Move me
by iewr
Summary: Edward’s new in town. Always being kind of a loner, into his music and hating teachers, he doesn’t expect to do much different when he moves to Forks. But then he meets Bella... AH, Canon
1. New Home

_Chapter 1: New Home_

**_Edward_**  
"Emmett, help us unpack the car, you prick!" Fuck, he was lazy as hell. We drove all the way from Miami, Florida to Forks, Washington. So we were all pretty fucking tired. "I'll help in a minute, calm down," I heard him reply. _Yeah, right. Asshole._ I thought to myself. I so wasn't feeling this whole moving thing. I know Carlisle and Esme, it was weird calling them my parents since I always just called them by their first names, wanted to move really bad so that Esme could start over here, without her psycho stalker. Man, that dude was crazy. Anyway, still wasn't feeling it.

"Ed, honey, could you get those three boxes upstairs, please?" _Ugh._ Being the perfect son I replied: "Sure, don't worry about it." With the thought of my bed tonight and heavily sleep, I carried those boxes upstairs. The whole place was empty. I ran down the stairs again. "Esme? Where is all the furniture?" "The furniture won't be arriving till tomorrow, baby." _What?_ "Where do we have to sleep?" I replied, a little worried now. "We packed our camping stuff too, so we'll be camping in our new home! Isn't that exciting for a first night in a new town, new house?"

Fuck. I wanted to get some good fucking sleep tonight. I was drained. Emmett was probably snoring already on the cold floor. I couldn't get any sleep unless I was in a real bed. Tomorrow's going to be hell. I walked into the house again, with two more boxes and placed them in the livingroom. Yes, there he was. Sleeping Beauty. I dropped the boxes next to his head and he shot up. "What? No, I didn't do anything! Please, don't hurt me!" I looked at him. "What the fuck, dude. I won't kill you. Just help me unpack or I will come close to killing you." Emmett looked at me like he didn't even know me, so I kicked him again. "Helloooo? It's Edward here, calling out for Emmett?" Finally, some recognition. "What's the matter with you? I'm really tired and finally fell asleep and then you wake me up!"  
"We're _all_ fucking tired, Emmett, and we _all_ need to help, now stop being such a douchebag and do something!" One final kick in his stomach and he got up.

Once we unpacked almost everything, Carlisle got all superpositive, like he always did. "Guys, I think this is going to be awesome. It will take some time getting used to the rain, but I know we're all going to love it here." How did he do that? Carlisle always talked like he was right. And we all believed him, because he was the one that said it. _Fucking mindfucker. _I carried the last four boxes into our new home. There we all stood, the whole Cullen family, soaked by the rain, tired as hell and fucking sore from move. "Who wants to get something to drink?" Esme called out. Well there wasn't much to do here anyway. So until the furniture arrived, and we could finally get some sleep, we could pass the time by doing stupid family stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I love my… parents. And yes, even that prick of a brother of mine. But I really hate the family obligations. Birthdays, holidays and family reunions were the worst. We had three of them in the last couple of years. Always the same questions. Edward, darling, you grew so much since the last time I saw you! Do you have a girlfriend yet? Ah, don't worry, honey, you'll get one. When I was your age… Bla bla fucking bla. Who cares? I don't know you, and I don't even want to know you. Well, at least moving here had its advantage. It was harder for our other family to find us here.  
"Where are we going?" Esme asked happily, clapping her hands. The whole town here looked dull as fuck. Esme was getting too excited over nothing. But that's her. Always being positive and seeing the good things. That's why her and Carlisle are a perfect match. I could learn from them. Yeah, even I get sentimental sometimes. That's a rare thing, capture it.

Emmett said he saw a restaurant just when we drove into town, so we decided to go there. It was called 'Kalaloch Lodge restaurant'. Wokay. I didn't like the whole atmosphere in this restaurant. I knew I was a dark person, but this was really dark. Wolfheads against the wall, only candles serving as light. Everything was darkbrown-ish... They better have good food. "Hello everyone, what can I get you?" the waiter asked. I looked him up and down, he looked like a wolf. "I'll have an icetea and the grilled chicken with patatoes on the side."

After everyone ordered their food, Esme wanted to get a picture of us. A picture. Here. In this hole. A picture taken by wolf-waiter. I couldn't be more embarassed. "Smile! You too, cranky one in the back!" _God, I hated that guy already. _I forced a smile. "That's right! Now smile like you're actually having fun." I couldn't smile anymore. That dick was really trying to be funny, wasn't he? I made my most grumpy face. Then Emmett poked my in my side and I yelled: "Stop doing that, asshole!" Flash. Well, that was certainly going to be a nice familypicture. Dinner was good though.

We were about to head back when Carlisle and Esme decided we should all go for icecream. I wasn't going to lie, I love icecream. Acting like I didn't want to, while I was secretly dying for icecream, we went to a salon.

I ate my vanilla, chocolate and hazelnut icecream mix with great joy. I felt like such a four year old, eating my icecream like the happiest person on Earth. Ofcourse Esme had to flash a picture just then. No one was going to be seeing this. No one. I started to get annoyed again, but the icecream made up for everything. The long trip, the house without furniture, wolf-waiter and the fucking pictures. Yes, really a four year old, maybe even three. Emmett ate his icecream really fast. Which wasn't weird considering his figure. He wasn't fat. He was just… Muscular and needed lots of calories. I guess. I don't know about that shit.

"Ah, brainfreeze!" I saw him clutch his head. I laughed out loud with icecream in my mouth. "You're such a dick," he said and he poked me in my side again. That was really Emmett's signature. Poking, pushing, kicking. Any fysical harmings and he was into it. Great way of showing love to one another. After they all waited at least 10 minutes for me to finish my icecream, we were ready to drive home to our camping spot.

In the car I really didn't feel like sleeping anymore. Icecream always put me on a high or something. I don't know, I was weird. I looked outside my window and saw clouds covering the sky again. It was about to pour. This weather really was nasty. I was going to miss the sun and the warmth. This all seemed so cold and chill. Just like me. Right at that moment the rain started to fall. Hard. I stared ahead of me and after a few minutes Emmett poked me again. "Dude, look, that girl is freakin' soaking wet. Oh my God, she's not even moving forward on her bike because of the wind! This is fucking hilarious!" He laughed his overwhelming Emmett laugh and I couldn't help but laugh along. Then I looked at the girl.

She was… Beautiful? I never referred to girls as beautiful. They were either hot or they were not. But she was beautiful. Even in the pouring rain, so that said a lot. The car passed her by and I watched her until I couldn't see her anymore. I felt bad for her. Really? What the fuck was happening to me, I'm in a new town for a few fucking hours and I start being all compassionate? Fuck that. She was just a girl, unlucky enough to be cycling in the pouring rain. That's her own fault, she was dumb enough to go outside in this kind of weather. Bitch.

When we came home, we unpacked our camping stuff. I even set up my tent. The airbed filled itself with air and I unzipped my sleeping bag. I started to get tired again. Maybe, if everyone was really quiet and I could keep myself warm, I could sleep. Even if it was just for a few hours, I would be grateful. Still dressed in my clothes from the past three days I crept into my sleeping bag. Ah yes, warmth. I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow. I really felt pathetic for doing this. Not just hugging my pillow, but the whole camping in our new home. I really needed a good fucking bed. At least I had the tent for myself. In a seperate room. I think this is going to be my room. Emmett was sleeping in the room next to mine. Carlisle and Esme were sleeping downstairs in the living room. I guess they don't care what room they're sleeping in, as long as they're together.

Overthinking all these things, I grew so tired that I eventually fell asleep. And I dreamed. About that girl. She was still riding her bike in the pouring rain and I drove by. Not with my whole family, just me. I saw her, and felt bad for her again. No surprise. But then I stopped the car. "Hey, are you okay? Do you need a ride or something?" She looked up and the raindrops were falling from her face. She stopped cycling and hopped off her bike. "That's really nice of you, but I don't really know if I'm heading the same way." Her voice. I felt a smile creeping up. "I'd rather drive around for fifteen more minutes than knowing you'll be coming home soaked and being sick the next day. Just let me drive you home." She smiled back at me. Her eyes smiled along with her. God, her eyes. "Well, alright. Should I leave my bike here?" "No no, we can put it in the car, don't worry." I got the bike without too much embarassment into the car and she took the passenger seat. "Thank you for driving me home, that's a really sweet thing to do." "You're welcome." I smiled. What was up with all the smiling? I never smile. "Where do you live?" "Cook road. Number 6." She really had amazing eyes. "Where's that exactly? I'm new here." "Oh, well, take a right turn after Forks airport, then two times left. It's a small street." Cutest voice. "Alright, let's see if I'll remember when we get to the airport." "You will, you seem like a smart person." She smiled at me again. God, how was I going to bear this?

I wasn't. "You know, you're very pretty." She looked at me, shocked. "Really? Me?" I nodded. "Thank you." Then it was silent for a moment. "You know, you're… handsome." She was telling me that. The most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Telling me I was handsome. I acted like her: "Really? Me? Thank you." She poked me, smiling. "Oh wait, take a left here." We were on Cook Road. "Number 6, right?" I asked, not wanting to say goodbye. I wanted to get to know her. "Yes, you can stop here though. The road is too small for you to turn your car." "Oh alright, I'll get the bike out of the car and walk you home." She smiled. Then we got out and once I got the bike out, I looked at her. "You're good company." "You too." Silence. Then she talked again. "What was your name? I don't know if I got it right." She was interested. "Edward, nice to meet you." I held out my hand. "Hi Edward, I'm Bella." She flashed that smile again. "Let's get you home, Bella," I replied. She lived fairly close to the main street, so it wasn't such a long walk.  
"So, this is my home." A pretty white house in between the green trees was looking at me. "Nice," I replied. "Okay, well, thanks again. I owe you one. It was very nice meeting you, Edward, maybe I'll see you around." And then she gave me a hug. I could feel her warmth against my chest. Unconsciously I snuffled her hair. Ah, vanilla. Just like icecream. "It was very nice meeting you too, Bella. Now get inside, it's really cold and you're still wet from the rain." She opened the door, smiled one last time and then closed it.

That's when I woke up. Still hugging my pillow, with my nose nuffled on top of it. And fucking smiling.

What the fuck. I never dream about these kind of things. Mostly it's just about banging girls or not even dreaming at all. Not these fluffy dreams. And about a girl that I've seen for maybe ten seconds? I was really going crazy. I still felt warm and happy though, and I didn't know what that shit was. Maybe it's because I wanted to keep myself warm because of the cold floors. Yes, that must be it. What did she say her name was? Where did she live? Here in Forks? I couldn't remember everything from the dream. It just gave me a nice feeling. Well, it wouldn't be her real name anyway, so who cares about all the facts she told me. I was still curious. Shaking all these weird thoughts off, I fell asleep again. Still smiling.

The next morning Emmett woke me up. "Dude, the furniture is here!" Furniture. Real bed. I got up, looked in the mirror, saw a real nasty looking guy staring back at me and went downstairs. I didn't care how I looked, it must've been like six in the morning. Esme, Carlisle and Emmett were all dressed in clean clothing, getting the furniture inside. "What time is it?" I asked Esme. "It's half past twelve, honey, you slept for a really long time." She smiled, happy that I got some sleep, because she knew I would be having a hard time sleeping on the floor. "I should change," I stated. "No, baby, it's okay, you could help us first and then you can shower and get some clean clothes on." I helped them carry the couch into the livingroom along with the chairs for the dining table. Then we got Carlisle and Esme's bed and finally my own bed. I threw a mattress in it and my bed was done. I would get the sheets before I went to bed that night.

After I showered and got into fresh clothing, we spent the rest of the day decorating our own rooms, the living room and the kitchen. In our previous home, my room was looking like it belonged to a seven year old kid or something. Dinosaurs everywhere. I was happy I could change that and start over with a cool room. I painted it black and red, my favorite colors. My bed sheets were also red, so it fit. My room had a really big window, allowing enough light in to brighten the dark colors. It didn't seem depressing because of the coloring. At the end of the day, my fresh clothing weren't so fresh anymore. I showered again and went to my room. The smell of paint still lingered, but it started to feel like my room. I hopped on my bed and put my iPod on. Yes, this was heaven.  
I started to fall asleep when Esme called for dinner. She went to the store today, getting all the things she needed to make us a healthy but tasty dinner. Esme was the best cook I knew. Cook. At the thought of that word I smiled. Weird. I'm weird.

We ate corn with bacon and mushrooms. De-fucking-licious. As a surprise, no doubt that it was meant for me, Esme bought vanilla icecream. I smiled when I saw her coming out of the kitchen with that. Not just a 'woohoo icecream!' smile, but the vanilla smell really did something weird to me. I thought about my dream last night, I knew something about that girl smelling similar to vanilla but I really didn't know much about the dream anymore. It did keep me smiling though. I ate the icecream like I always do, sweet and slow.

After dinner I decided I was going to listen to my iPod again. I missed having some time alone. I like to be around my family, because I know Esme really appreciates it, but I really need my alone time too. Music was my thing. Blue October, Placebo, Story of the Year, Muse, Linkin Park, Travis, Billy Idol. I loved them all. I felt relaxed while listening to them, like the whole world didn't exist. Just me and my music. I really wanted to learn how to play the guitar, but I was too lazy to do that. Besides, I would suck anyway.

Knock, knock. I heard someone knocking on my door. "Come in," I said, while pulling the earbuds out of my ears. "Oh hey, Carlisle." "Hi son, how are you doing? You did a really great job on your room. It looks really… Edward-ish." I laughed. "That's not correct English man, are you sure you're not sick?" He laughed along with me. "I know, I know. I'm really loosening up here, huh?" "Sure, you are," I said, suppressing my laughter. He was trying to be cool. Which was hilarious. "So…" he went on, "Tomorrow is a school day. Esme and I registered you for the fourth year. Emmett's also going tomorrow. You don't have to be fully dedicated to learn again, but maybe it's nice to get to know some people already and follow a few classes so you'll know what it's like?" I wasn't into school. Well, that was nicely put. I hated school. Teachers always hated me and I hated them. But I was going to have to graduate anyway, so I gave in. "Yeah, I'll go tomorrow. Thanks for telling me." His hands went through my hair and said, "I know it's not easy for you, Edward. But you'll find your place." I straightened my hair because he just messed it up. "Thanks." He smiled. "Good night, son." "Bye, Carlisle." I really couldn't stand it when my hair became the victim of Carlisle's goodness.

I got into my pajamas and crept into bed. Now, this was ten thousand times better than the night before, on the cold floor in a freaking tent. Inside a house. Damn, we're one crazy family. I was happy most of the big things that had to be done were finished: Decorating, making it look like a real home. I needed to set my alarm at half past eight. School was right around the corner and by car it would take ten seconds to get there. My first introduction class started at nine, so I would have enough time to get ready if I got up half an hour before that. I told Emmett he should get up fifteen minutes earlier than I did, because he always needed his time when he woke up. Wuss.

I was in my bed before eleven and I didn't even mind. Normally I was up until/'til at least one before I went to bed. But I needed my sleep. I know I got enough sleep last night, but it still felt rushed/like a rush? Because of that dream. I smiled again. _Damn, Edward, stop this shit. _This bed was really warm and it felt good to be surrounded by the warmth again, instead of the cold. I turned my iPod off and closed my eyes.

I looked at my bedside. The alarm said it was 8:27. I hated waking up before the alarm went off, and not being able to sleep for at least another two hours. I didn't dream tonight and I didn't feel warm. Annoyed, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Emmett was shaving. "How long are you going to be in the bathroom, you girl?" I asked. "Another five minutes. You could use some shaving too." I looked in the mirror. I touched my cheecks and chin. They felt rough. "I think this looks good. No need to be all shiny." "Whatever you say, bro," Emmett replied.

I decided to put some clothes on and make breakfast before I went to bathroom to fix my hair and brush my teeth. Esme was already awake too. "Hi honey, did you sleep well in your new bed?" I gave her a hug. "Yes, thank you." She looked at me with those eyes filled with love. She always looked at me and Emmett that way. We were still her babies. "I made you two sandwiches." "Great, thanks Esme." I ate my breakfast in front of the tv and watched the news. Some dude murdered his wife and children, someone got kidnapped and the economy is still going downhill. That's some positive news to wake up to. I went upstairs and Emmett was finally done doing his girly things. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair with some gel and was ready to go. Ofcourse I had to wait another five minutes before Emmett was ready. "Hurry up, you prick! We're going to be late!" "Who cares!" was his thoughtful reply. "I do! I don't want teachers to hate me right away, I want to let them wait for at least two months so my first results will be good!" "You're so evil," he said, while walking down the stairs and throwing me the keys to the Volvo. "Bye, Esme!" we both yelled. "Have fun at school, you two!" she yelled back happily.

It litterally took 30 seconds before we were in the school parking lot. We went inside, to the receptionist so we could see what we were going to have to endure today. While walking down the hallway with Emmett, I saw her. That girl. All dried up. Well duh, it was two days since I'd seen her. But she was still… Fucking beautiful. Big hazel eyes, long brown hair, a green shirt and jeans. Breathtaking. I kept on walking while I was looking at her. "Bro, it's here," Emmett called. I was already 20 feet away from him, and he waited in front of a door that said 'Reception'. I looked around to see if no one had caught me looking at her. "Oh I know, I was just making sure there weren't like… two doors?" Emmett shook his head. "You're weird." Granting her one last look, I went inside and I couldn't get that smile off of my face.


	2. Vanilla guitars

**A/N**

Thanks for reading this. Reviews and commets are loved.

***

Chapter 2: Vanilla guitars.

**Edward**

After three classes I remembered why I hated school. Why do you have to remain silent when you think something's wrong or when you want to put your opinion out there? I knew everyone would think I was crazy for being so straight forward on my first day here, but I knew what I stood for. I wasn't going to make that 'two months 'til teachers can hate me again' deadline. It would more likely be 'two classes until teachers can hate me again.' I was absolutely positive they would.

The bell rang and we had our first break. I was pretty annoyed already and I thought the day couldn't get any worse than this. Emmett was not sitting with me on our first break in a new town, with all these new people. He found 'his people.' Tall, muscular nobodies. I guess they call them jocks? Typical Emmett. I bet they're all sleeping with the sluts at the table next to the food tray. I observated every group. This was your typical high school scene. The jocks, including Emmett (I really hated him now by the way) in the corner of the cafeteria. The sluts, also known as girlfriends of the jocks, at the table next to them on the right side of the food tray. The nerds on the other side of the cafeteria, with their Nintendos. The loners, that weren't really lonely, because if you're a loner you're alone, you know? The word says it. They weren't alone. They were a group. I was a loner. Anyways. I scanned the room to judge people further, until my eyes caught her.

On the left side of the cafeteria were three girls. The beautiful girl that I'd seen in my dream and in the pouring rain. I smiled. There were two girls with her. A tiny girl, with a tiny figure and spiky black hair. I thought the third girl could belong to the sluts, judging by the way she looked. Long blond hair, she was chewing gum, high heels on, red lipstick and her boobs were falling out. Normally I'd like that, but there was something nasty about her. Like she was this evil bitch or something. I don't know what it was.

Since my eyes found the mystery girl, all I could do was look at her every minute. I noticed little things. When she ate, her mouth seemed to be pouting, how she covered her face when she was about to laugh while her mouth was stuffed with food, she had dimples, she had hair that was dark brown but still had tints of light brown in it, her eyes were really deep and her skin was pale. After I summed all this up for myself, I realized I could get an award for 'Creepiest things to find out about a girl you've never talked to.' And I also found out she wasn't the typical girl I liked. She didn't even have big boobs. She had nice, little ones. I smiled. And that's when she looked back at me. I felt like such a loser for smiling at her, before she'd even seen me. She looked a little confused at first and I was about to kick myself, but then she smiled back. The loveliest smile I'd ever seen. I was getting used to being so God damn cheesy when she was involved.

The bell rang. Fuck. What was my next class again? Biology? Math? Shit. I went through my bag and found the note where I wrote all my classes on. Math it is. When I put everything back in my bag, I smelled her. I just knew it was her. I looked behind me, and she walked by with blondie and the tiny person. She smiled again. I dropped my bag. What the fuck was wrong with me?! I knew my face was turning red so I dropped my head and put everything back in my bag that had fallen out. The blonde one giggled. Yes, now I was certainly sure I wasn't going to like that bitch. Buy a bra, you slut.

Almost everyone had left the cafeteria once I was ready to go. And then the bell rang again. I was late. Because it was my first day, I hoped the teacher wasn't giving me too much shit for it. So I just decided to walk in and apologize. Luckily the teacher was a woman. I could use my crooked smile for that. And it worked. I got to take a seat in the back, a desk all by myself. As long as I'm not late for this class again this semester, I should be good with this teacher. Maybe the 'two month thing' could work in this class. I opened my book and then the door flew wide open.

**Bella**

Why did I think I was having gym?! For God's sake, I always had math as my third class on Mondays! Running as hard as I could, without tripping, I reached the door of my math class. I didn't have a solid excuse why I was late. Mrs Lanette didn't like me anyway. Maybe I should just ditch. No. That wasn't like me. I didn't even have the nerve to ditch. I took a deep breath and walked into class. Without seeing who I was talking to, I rambled: "I'm so sorry I'm late, I don't know what I thought. Yeah, well, I thought I was having gym so that's why I'm late. But I'm so sorry and it won't happen again, I mean I _know_ I always have math on Monday, and gym on Thursday. Besides, math and gym aren't even similar, so if I could please just…" "Enough miss Swan, Edward was late too and I can't make one exception so you can take your seat." Thank God for this new guy that was late too. "Thank you, mrs Lanette."

I hurried to my usual seat in the back and noticed this new person sitting there. I whispered. "You're Edward?" He didn't speak to me. He smiled at me in the cafeteria, right? Why didn't he talk? "Hello? You're Edward?" He looked at me in a weird way. Finally he started talking. "Sorry, hi, yeah I'm Edward." "Thanks for being late, I owe you," I replied and gave him a smile. "You're welcome," he said. He seemed like a shy guy. This was going to be a relaxing class for the rest of the year. If I was good at math, that is.

A half hour into math and not having shared another word with my new neighbour, he asked me something. I thought it was going to be about math so I was scared I wouldn't be able to answer it, but it wasn't. "What's your name?" I felt relieved. "Bella. Well, actually Isabella but that's just blah. I prefer Bella." One corner of his mouth curled up into half a smile. "I'll remember that, Bella Swan." "Wait, how do you know my last name?" I asked confused. "Mrs Lanette called you miss Swan, so I assumed that was your last name. And you just told me your first name. So that makes Bella Swan," he replied. I suddenly felt like he knew so much about me. Not in a weird or creepy way though. Just like he _knew_. Something. "Do you know the answer to the last question of page 78?" I asked him. I might as well get to know him too. If he was good at math for instance. "A, B and C?" He replied. I felt like I was asking too much at once. "Yeah, but, nevermind. I'll figure it out myself." Suddenly his voice grew stronger. "No, no, that's okay. A is x=5, B is y=8 and x=3 and C is x=10." He was desperate to give me the answers, as though it seemed. "Do you wanna figure it out yourself, how I got those answers or do you want me to help you?" He asked afterwards. "Thanks," I replied, "I'll try to figure it out by myself." "Let me know if you need me." "I will."

At the end of the class, I came to the conclusion that I could like him. He was nice to me. While I was stuffing my books in my bag he asked: "So, did you figure it out?" I looked at him and noticed his eyes for the first time. They were… Blue, green and they even had a shade of brown in them. I blinked my eyes a couple of times, so I wouldn't blurt out crazy stuff. "Ehm, yeah, I think I did. I'm going to need your help though, next time." "Do you have every math class with me then?" He asked. He seemed… Hopeful. I don't know if I was mistaken or if that was even the right word. "Yeah this whole class has math with one another for a whole year, three times a week." I explained to him. "Right. I knew that, don't know why I forgot." He shook his head, laughing at himself. I laughed along with him. "That's okay. Math isn't such a great thing to remember." "It is now." I looked at him, my eyes saying 'what do you mean?' He looked uncomfortable. "It's just that… Ehm… I like to teach people stuff." Was that really the case? Well, he _was _really helpful. "Ah right. You can teach me a lot then," I said. "Lots of fun having math." I added sarcastically. "You'll get through the year, I'll help." He smiled again. He had nice teeth. Why was I noticing this? "Thanks. I have to go to Biology now, I don't want to be late again." "Oh yeah, I should get going too." He put his bag around his shoulder. "See you!" I yelled before I heard the bell ring and ran out the door.

**Edward**

The smell of vanilla lingered around me the rest of the school day. I fucking talked to her. Fuck that, I even _helped_ her. She seemed to like me. I don't know how I could fuck up though during our conversation. _"It is now."_ I repeated what I'd said to her in my head. I could've just stuck a post-it on my head with 'stalker' on it. Ugh. She seemed to buy my goodness about wanting to learn people stuff, though. I don't want to learn people stuff, I only want to learn her stuff. But that's just something I kept to myself. For some reason, I felt like I was drawn to her. Like she needed me or something. Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist.

The bell of freedom rang and I stepped into my Volvo. Fuck Emmett, I was not going to take him home. Not after today. I'm sure he could get a ride with the jocks though. I got out of the parking lot and was on my way home. That's when I saw Carlisle's car parked at a house I didn't recognize. Did he? I planned to ask him when he got home.

"Honey, how was school?" Esme asked when I walked in. She stretched her arms out to hug me, but I wasn't feeling it today. I walked past her and said: "It was okay." Esme remained silent. "Are you going tomorrow too, to you know… Hang out with the kids?" I rolled my eyes, but she couldn't see. "I don't know yet. Next week is our first official schoolweek, right?" "Yes baby, but it's good for you and Emmett to get to know people here. This is our new home." "I know, Emmett gets along with a lot of people. I think he's with them right now." She seemed happy about that. Maybe she'd get off my back now. She did.

Once I opened the door to my bedroom, I felt drained. I laid down on my bed with my iPod. It could've been one, two, maybe even three hours. That's when I heard Carlisle come home and that reminded me of his car I saw parked earlier today. Carlisle coming home was also a sign that we were having dinner. Perfect timing to ask.

When I sat down at the table, I saw Emmett. So, apparently he got home safely. All wide-grinned and muscular. I really couldn't stand the guy right now. He didn't even ask why I didn't wait for him when school was out. He just gushed about everything. "There are these really cool guys that I hung out with today. Jasper was a cool dude. He gave me a ride home. They also know the coolest chicks, I don't know their names yet but I will. I love it here!" Esme got all hyped up over everything Emmett said and Carlisle just nodded and smiled. "Edward, how was your day?" Esme tried again, after her attempt when I got out of school. "Fine." I mocked and shoved food in my mouth so I couldn't speak again. "Hey, Ed, can I borrow your Volvo tomorrow? I assume you're not going to school tomorrow?" Emmett. He knew how protective I was over my Volvo. "No."  
"Honey, Emmett wants to go to school, your dad is going to be at his new job so he needs the car. The only car left is yours," Esme said. "He's not getting into my car. He can save money for his own car. Besides the school is only like 30 fucking seconds away." "_No_ cursing in this house, Edward." That's Carlisle, always the wise and strict one. If he wanted me not to curse, Emmett should shut his motherfucking mouth. It was _my_ Volvo. "He can use your Volvo, we pay the gas so we have some saying over that car too," Carlisle added. _No fucking way._ "No." "Yes, Edward." "Fine! I'll go _with_ him." I got up and went up the stairs, off to my bedroom. I was not going to show my face today anymore.

I looked at my alarm. It was only half past six and I was bored as hell. And I also needed to clear my head. Stupid vanilla. I didn't have anything to do besides listening to my iPod, so that's what I did. I really wanted to learn how to play the guitar. And if I wasn't going to make any friends around here, I might as well put some effort in it, right? Suddenly, all hyped up about the idea, I went downstairs. Not looking anyone in the eye, so I kind of kept my promise of not to show myself anymore. I got the keys to the Volvo and drove downtown. Do they have a music store here? Forks was really fucking small so I guess not. Still, I wanted to look. Nope, no music store. I decided to drive to Port Angeles. Wait, what time was it? Seven o'clock. Shops would be open 'til eight. I'd have to hurry.

After some racing to Port Angeles I drove around looking for a music store. _The Violin Shop._ Guess there won't be any guitars there. I drove a little further and came across _Thumpers_. I decided I could give it a shot.

**Bella**

I didn't feel like working today. I knew I was going anyway and that time went by fast when I got there, but I just felt like I had to drag myself over there. I was grateful for Mike and his parents to give me the job, so I might as well do my best. Besides, I loved music. This was the perfect job for me. All this stuff I'd been telling myself on my way to work. Driving from Forks to Port Angeles seemed to go faster everyday. Even for such a slow driver like I was.

"Hey mr. Newton, how are you today?" I asked while grabbing a shirt that said _Thumpers._ "Hey Bells, doing good, doing good. You're working three hours today, right?" "Yes, one hour in the shop and two hours in the storage room, making sure everything's been delivered. Is Mike working today?" "I don't think so, just you today." "Alright, better get going then, see you!" I walked into the store and went to the guitar section. Ah yes, the purple Fender. My only love. No one knew I was into music this much, I was kind of embarassed? I know that's a stupid thing to say, because it's music. But I wasn't into the kind of music every girl my age was into. I didn't listen to rap, hiphop and other slutty tunes. I wanted real music.

The ringing noise made me realize there was a costumer in the store. What time was it? Fifteen minutes past seven. Only fortyfive minutes to go and I could go stock things. I walked to the counter and saw a familiar face. "Edward! Hi!" I yelled at him. I scared him, he even jumped a little. I giggled. "Eh, eh… Hi, Bella." He still looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "I'm sorry I scared you," I said apologetically. He became his cool self again. "No, yeah, uhm, I just didn't expect to see you here." I smiled. I didn't expect him here either. He didn't look like a musician. Well... Maybe a tortured one. "So, do you play something?" I asked. "No, actually I don't. I was thinking about buying a guitar though. I'm sure I suck at it, but always wanted to try. And I have some money left from work in Miami. Coming here was kind of… impulsive." He really loved learning, didn't he? Helping me out with math, learning to play the guitar, what was next? "I can show you some really cool guitars?" I decided. "Show me," was his simple answer.

We were looking at several guitars, acoustic and electric guitars. "I think you should start with an acoustic guitar. You can learn from there and maybe when you don't suck anymore, you can buy an electric guitar. Oh and the acoustic ones aren't nearly as expensive as the electric guitars." He just nodded. "Here," I walked to a Gibson, "I think this one suits you." It was a black guitar. He was dressed in black: shirt, pants, shoes and even its laces. And besides, the Gibson wasn't expensive and it had a beautiful sound. I handed the guitar to him. "You can sit on that stool over there." He didn't talk much anymore. He just sat down and his fingers slid over the strings. I couldn't help but smile, the sound of guitars did that to me. He smiled back. Not at me, but at the guitar. He tried to work his fingers on the neck of the guitar. "Do you know any chords?" I asked. He shook his head. Alright, I could teach him something, in return for helping me with math this afternoon. I started to explain an A and a D chord. He had slim and flexible fingers, so I was thinking he wasn't going to suck as bad as he thought he would.

After fifteen minutes he could play them perfectly. He had a little smirk on his face. Still didn't talk much, or maybe I just talked a lot. "You're good at it, actually. You don't suck. I think you have potential." "Thanks." I glanced at the clock. Five past eight. "Oh God, sorry, it's already five past eight and I need to close the store. I'm sorry. Have you decided yet or do you want to come back tomorrow to see more guitars?" He looked at me. "I'll take this one." I smiled. "I can't believe I actually sold something today. I'm not very good at tricking people into buying things. I'm too honest to do that. I always feel bad afterwards and want to hunt them down and tell them what's wrong with it." He looked at me a little worried. "Oh no, don't worry! Nothing's wrong with this one." "Good," he said.

"Alright, that will be $300." He paid with his card. He was about to leave the store when I remembered he would need a guitar case. "Edward! You're going to need a guitar case for protection. Because you bought the guitar here you'll get a fifty percent discount. Should I just get the simplest one, or do you not want it?" "Oh, eh, yeah, it would be smart to buy a case." "I'll be right back!" I went to the storage room and got a guitar case that was $30 and with the discount it would be $15. "I'm sorry, I just remembered when you walked out the door." "That's okay, I'm not in a hurry." I'm glad he was being nice about it. "Alright, this one here is $30, so that will be $15." He paid with his card again. "Thanks, Bella." "You're welcome. Practice on your guitar skills!" "Thanks for teaching me the chords too, and for the case. Well, just everything." He was nice. "Still welcome. I'll see you tomorrow." He turned around. "Tomorrow?" he asked, a little startled. "We have math tomorrow." "Oh. I didn't know. I just looked at my schedule for today. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then. Good luck with work." And the door shut.

I locked the door and went to the storage room. It was half past eight. I had fun teaching him those chords and he seemed to have fun too. Eventhough he was very quiet. But that's normal, he's new here and I'm the only one he ever really talked to, today. I thought he could be a good guitar player if he actually practiced. He was very into it when I taught him the chords.

After I piled up the boxes with plectrums I glanced at the clock, it was ten past ten, I went home. I had school tomorrow at half past nine, so I went straight to bed. I would shower in the morning. I decided I was going to be nice to Edward, he seemed like a nice guy, he was into music. He moved here with his brother and parents right? I thought so, but didn't know if I was right. I was going to ask him during math tomorrow.

I put my earbuds in and fell asleep to the relaxing tunes of Valentine's Day by Linkin Park.

***

_"Goodmorning America! Today is going to be a lovely day, the sun's out in most parts of the country." _I turned my clock radio off and thought to myself: Extacly. _Almost_ the entire country. Not in this cloudy village. It was half past seven and I was tired. I was about to get into my clothes, but then I remembered I needed to shower. I got a towel and went into the bathroom. I washed my hair and shaved my legs, just in case the weather would be nice for a change. I brushed my teeth when I got out of the shower and decided to put my red vest on, with a black shirt underneath.

When I walked downstairs it was eight o'clock and I still had to fix my breakfast. I wanted pancakes but there wasn't enough time for that. So I just went with the good old cereal. Never gets old. It was a little before half past eight, I yelled 'bye mom!' and jumped on my bike and cycled to school.

**Edward**

When I woke up, the first thing I did was look at the right corner of my room. Where this beautiful black guitar hung. So yesterday really did happen, huh. She'd touched my fingers when she taught me the chords. She impressed me with her knowledge about music and guitars. Which made me like her even more and that scared me. I didn't talk much last night. Gah, I didn't need this shit. I got out of bed and took a shower, trying not to think of her. I would see her today. Maybe it would just be strictly about math, no getting to know each other. Secretly, I was a little glad Emmett wanted to go to school with my Volvo today, so I needed to go too. Which reminded me, because of that shit I didn't get to ask Carlisle what the hell his car was doing at that unfamiliar house. I would ask him tonight.

After driving to school with Emmett, we parted ways again. He went to this guy I assumed was Jasper. A tall blond haired guy. I just went to the cafetaria and sat alone, thinking. After four classes I was grumpy as hell and didn't know why I'd agreed to go to school. Even math didn't cheer me up right now. The guy from science kept staring at me, like I was some kind of freak. The girls behind me during history class kept fucking giggling and made me feel like a freak too. Maybe I _am_ a freak.

I strolled to my math class and saw Bella already sitting at our table. "Hey Edward," she whispered. "Hi Bella," I told her. And that's where it stopped. Maybe it was me and my grumpy behaviour, but all the easiness from last night was gone. Or maybe it just was because we were in class. Mrs Lanette told us she had a meeting so she would leave ten minutes early. Which meant, we got to leave 10 minutes early. When mrs Lanette got her stuff, Bella and I still hadn't talked more than just our greetings. Mrs Lanette left the room and everybody started to pack their bags. Except for Bella. I decided to break the silence, since I was the one that talked the least I guess. "You're not going home?" I asked her. She looked at me. She just started asking questions, out of fucking nowhere.

"Are you here with your parents?" I wasn't prepared for that.  
"Yeah…"  
"Okay, and you have a brother right? He goes to school as well?"  
"Yeah…"  
"What's his name?"  
"Emmett. But he's a jerk."  
She smiled. "Most brothers and sisters are."  
"So you have a brother or a sister too?"  
"Oh no, I don't. I just hear a lot from Rosalie and Alice. They're sisters."  
"Who are they?"  
"The blonde one that I sit with at lunch is Rosalie and Alice is the person with the short black hair."  
_They _were sisters? I couldn't get my head around that.  
"Anyway," she continued, "do you like it here, did you talk to any of the guys? My nephew is one of the so called jocks. I could introduce you to him. "  
"No… I guess I'm more of a loner. I don't talk to people that easily."  
"You talk to me."  
"Because you ask me questions."  
"True. Do you mind me asking questions?" I shrugged. "I'll take that as a no. So you moved here from Miami, right?"  
"Yeah. Much more sunnier than it is here."  
"You don't like the rain?"  
"No, actually I do like the rain. But I like the warmth too. And rain doesn't come with warmth."  
She nodded, as if she needed to think about that again. The bell rang. I guess the ten minutes were up. We both got up, as if we both knew that was all for today. "Are you going to school tomorrow?" she asked. "I don't know yet, maybe." She looked at me. "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow then." Then she rushed off.

Okay. I liked her ever since I saw her in the pouring rain, I'd had a dream about her, I recognized her scent out of a million, I loved that she was into music and I'd answered her questions about me. She was interested in me. I was screwed.


	3. Crush

**A/N**

Thanks for reading this and wanting to keep up with this story. Reviews and comments are once again loved!

***

_Chapter 3: Crush_

**_Edward_**

I survived school and was now standing in my room. Staring at my brand new guitar. What was I thinking. I mean, I love that thing, but I can't play. Yeah well, thanks to Bella I can play two chords. Fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe I'm going to buy some book for five year olds and learn how to play Mary had a little lamb. That would be something right?

"Kids, dinner!" Esme snapped me out of my thoughts. Which reminded me, that I still had to ask Carlisle how he made friends that fast, since that's what I guess he was doing when I saw his car parked outside that white house.

I sat down and Esme put everything on the table. "Was your schoolday better than yesterday, honey?" She asked me, carefully. I realized I scared her a little yesterday. "Yeah, it was okay." Except for the first part of the day, I added mentally. She didn't need to know that though. She smiled and went through my hair. "I'm glad to hear that." _Not_ the fucking hair. Why do people always touch my hair? Ugh. And I was back into my grumpy mood.

"Darling, everything looks delicious! You're such a wonderful cook." Carlisle planted a kiss on Esme's forehead and she blushed. They were like fucking teenagers. I decided this would be the best time to ask. "So, Carlisle, you made friends already?" Carlisle looked up from his plate. "Excuse me?" He wasn't having an affair was he? If he was, I would kick that son of a bitch out of the fucking house. I grew angry. "Yes. Your car. Yesterday. Parked at some white house." He looked like he was trying to remember what he did yesterday. "Yesterday I was at work. Are you sure it's not just someone's car that looks just like mine?" He was trying to ditch the subject. So he _was_ having an affair? "Right."

After dinner I went straight to my bedroom, as usual. I couldn't imagine Carlisle having an affair with someone else. He loved Esme, any fool could see that. Maybe he didn't love her enough? No. He did, more than enough. Sometimes it was simply annoying how much they loved one another. But it was his car. I didn't check his licence plate, but I knew my father's car. I decided I was going to drive by once more tomorrow, to see if that car was still there.

Because I needed my mind off of fucking things, like a certain girl with gorgeous eyes and hair plus my dad who may or may not be cheating, I went to Emmett's room. "Hey dude, what's up?" He was playing his Playstation. "Hey Ed, do you want to play a game?" "Sure." I sat down next to him and got the remote. We didn't talk, we just played but still it felt nice. I know I hated him these past couple of days, but this made up for a lot.

When we played for an hour and a half, I started to talk. "So… You really like it here, huh?" He looked like I grew a second head. "Ofcourse I do. Have you _not_ seen the girls?" I sure as hell did. Well, one girl really, but that didn't matter. "Yeah. But I mean, you have friends already, right?" He looked at me weird again. "Is this about you not being able to make friends? You know, you can hang with me and Jasper during lunch?" I clenched my teeth. "No thanks." I was silent for a second, trying to control my anger. "It was just a fucking question." He didn't look at me. "Then yes, I made friends. You know, Jasper likes that Alice girl. She's the one with the short black hair. She's hot. I like that girl Rosalie, I don't know about the brunette though. She seems a little… _off_." He was talking about Bella. I felt anger building up inside of me, again. "What do you mean, _off_?" I spit the word. She belonged, she wasn't off. Yes, she was different than most of the girls in town, but she wasn't fucking off. "I don't know," he shrugged, "she looks different. But that does make her interesting. Anyway, I don't do difficult and complex girls." I didn't react, I just walked away with clenched fists, preventing myself from hurting that motherfucker. Bad.

I went outside, I needed some fresh air. You don't just _do_ Bella. She may be different from all the other girls, but in a good way. She's mature and knows what she wants. She has a passion for things, like music. She's not difficult. She's not. Emmett is a fucking asshole.

I walked around town for about thirty minutes and that's when it started to rain. Again. I didn't have a fucking umbrella with me. So I just walked home, fucking soaked. Which made me think of the first time I saw Bella. Cycling through the pouring rain. Beautiful as fuck. I shook my head. Why couldn't I stop thinking of her? I mean yes, she was really pretty, but why was she so special to me? I really needed to stop this shit. I promised myself I wouldn't help her in math again, wouldn't answer her questions, just so I could let her go. Not that I ever had her in the first place. But I needed to clear my head.

I got inside, left all these muddy footprints throughout the house and went straight to bed.

**_Bella_**

"Mom? It's time for your medication." I peeked my head around the door and saw my mom laying in bed. Exactly like the last couple of years. Her eyes widened and she moaned. "I know you don't like them, mom, but you need them. It'll just take a few minutes and you can go back to sleep again." I hated this. I hated the fact that my mom was sick, but I hated putting her through this even more.

I held her hand while she swallowed one pill after the other. "You're doing great, mom." She smiled a halfhearted smile and closed her eyes. "How many are there left?" she whispered. "Just two more pills," I cleared my throat. I always got emotional when she asked me that question. I knew she wasn't just asking me how much more medication she needed. She was asking me how many days, weeks, months or years she was going to have to endure this. She'd given up hope. I hadn't.

She took the last pill and after it was gone she fell asleep right away. She was still holding my hand. Before my mom got sick two years ago, I called her Renee. That's what I always did. She was Renee, I was Bella. We were like best friends. But now I called her mom. Because she _was_ my mom, not just my friend, and I don't think I ever realized that enough. I needed to take care of her, like she took care of me for the past seventeen years. I knew she liked me calling her mom. So I did.

I placed the empty glass in the sink and I heard a knock on the door. What time was it? Ten o'clock. Who could that be? I decided to check and saw a familiar face. "Hey doctor Cullen, what makes you come here at this hour?" "Hello Bella," he smiled, "I wanted to talk more about your mom's condition with you. I've only been here once, and read about her case. However, that's not enough. I want to get to know her, so I can treat her the right way." He was sincere. Concerned about his patients. The last doc wasn't like that. At all. Ofcourse I let him inside.

"Do you want some coffee? Tea maybe?" "Just a glass of water will be fine, Bella. Thank you." I brought him a glass of water and sat down. He really did have a familiar face. He looked like… _Edward_. "Are you Edward's dad?" I blurted out. I covered my mouth with my hand. Such an impolite thing to ask. He laughed. "That's okay. Yes, I'm Edward's dad. Emmett's too, by the way." I nodded. Edward Cullen. Emmett Cullen.

"I won't keep you up for long, I just wanted some last facts before I work on her case tomorrow in the hospital," he talked to me. I just nodded. Talking about my moms disease was never easy. I always felt like there was a big lump in my throat. But I never cried.  
"How long ago was she diagnosed with breastcancer?" "May 22nd it will be exactly two years ago." "Hmm…" He wrote something down. "When did the chemo stop?" "She had four cures in six months, but it didn't help." "Okay, so she just gets medication now to kill the pain?" I nodded. "Has your previous doctor ever talked about your mother's life?" I shook my head. Was this something I wanted to hear? "Nothing about her may be dying?" I shook my head. I couldn't do this. He saw that, I guess. He stopped talking about it. "That would be enough for tonight. I'll stop by tomorrow after work in the hospital again. Get some sleep, Bella. Good luck at school tomorrow." He patted my shoulder and I showed him the way out.

That's when the tears started to fall. I couldn't cry with anyone around. Only when it was just me. I knew this was going to be one of those nights. Crying, feeling alone, restless and powerless. All in all just feeling like shit. And I never cursed, so that meant something. I spent the rest of the night on the couch, curled up like a ball.

***

I looked at the clock. Ten in the morning. I wasn't having school 'til twelve so I got some time to check on my mom, shower and fix breakfast. I did all that in the exact same order. When I looked in the mirror after my shower I scared myself. My eyes were all red and thick, because of the crying the night before. I still felt alone. I did everything in a very slow pace that morning. It was almost eleven o'clock when I was all set to go. I decided to go to school, so I would have some distraction. Alice and Rosalie would be there already, their classes started at nine this morning.

When I came to school, I saw Alice first. She was my best friend. She only had to look at me for one second, and she knew how I felt. She also knew we weren't going to talk about it now. So she just hugged me, a little too tight, and we sat in the cafetaria. Alice gushed about Jasper, she liked him for over three months now and they'd kissed a few times. But she wanted something more serious. Serious wasn't a word in Jaspers vocabulary, so that was going to be difficult. After she talked about him, and I listened for half an hour, Rosalie came into the cafetaria. "Hey guys!" She looked at me. "Geez Bells, you look like hell." Rosalie was such a sweet and subtle person. "Thanks," I muttered. "You're welcome," she smiled. This is why Alice was my best friend. Rosalie was just… Rosalie. "The Spartans play a game after school, just for fun. You guys want to go watch?" I wasn't feeling it, but I still needed the distraction. "Sure!" Alice yelled with enthusiasm. "I'll go," was my answer. After we talked for a few more minutes, the bell rang and we all had to go to class. Alice walked me to my class, her arm around me the entire time.

I had math first, gym would follow and then I would be free at last. Well, not exactly free, since I promised to go the game. But that was a good thing. Alice gave me a hug before I entered my mathclass for the last time that week. I felt like everybody was watching me, as if they all knew what was happening back home. But they didn't. Only Alice knew. No one knowing really was a miracle, since this town was so small and everyone knew each other. Yeah, in the hospital they knew about her. Edward's dad. But he wouldn't tell his family, right? I mean, he's a doctor, a professional. Thinking all this while walking to my seat, I saw Edward. He frowned, but he didn't say a word. I was glad he didn't.

I tried to concentrate on my assignments, but I couldn't. Not just because of my mom, but I felt like Edward was checking on me every five minutes. I'm not even sure if he was checking to see if I was already crying or checking to see if I got the answers right. I decided it had to be the final option. After thirty minutes I knew he wasn't going to quit, so I just asked. "Can you help me with this?" I pointed at my book. He looked at me, still not saying a thing. Then he looked at where my finger was pointing and his face showed a sign of relief. "Sure…" he answered doubtful. "I told you, the only thing I know about math is 1 + 1 = 2," I said playfully, "Really, I suck at this." He smiled. "Get your calculator. If you press 2nd Y, you can see the answers all listed." He stole my calculator and pressed the little buttons. "See? X = 17 and Y = 4. The modus is 5." I looked at him apologetically. "You don't get it, do you?" "I'm sorry." He laughed, saying: "No don't apologize, I'll show you again." And he did. Three more times. That's when I finally got what he was saying. Maybe he should become a teacher. We both got back to our own work after that.

When the bell rang, as a cue the class had finally come to an end, I decided I could ask Edward if he wanted to come to the game this afternoon. I mean, he had no friends, as far as I knew he only talked to me. Sometimes. He could get to know people there. "Edward?" He was about to leave his seat. "The Spartans are playing a game this afternoon, do you want to go watch?" He looked down. Not saying anything for a few seconds, he answered my question. "I don't think I can." Nothing more, nothing less. He just walked away.

**_Edward  
_  
**I already slipped once today, I can't afford another mistake. In one fucking day. I promised myself I wouldn't help her with math again. Yet I did. And I loved it. I loved how she would bite her lower lip, if she had no idea what I was saying. I loved the sparkle in her eyes when she finally did understand. I loved how she asked me to the game this afternoon. But I knew if I was going to keep this shit up, I wouldn't get over her. I would become this really pathetic loser, that waits for shit to happen, when it never does. I wasn't going to be that kind of stinker, so I said no.

Walking through the hallways, I bumped into Emmett. "Hey, what's up man!" he poked my shoulder. I nodded. "Jasper and his friends are playing a game this afternoon, I told them you were coming too, so you could meet them, you know. I knew what you said yesterday evening was about you not having friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know." I looked at him, my eyes nearly poppin' out of their sockets. I had to count to ten. Five times. Then I was calm enough to answer him properly. "It was _not_ about that. I'm _not_ going to that game." I wanted to walk passed him, but he grabbed my arm. "There will be girls, if you know what I mean!" He winked. "No thanks." "Come on, Ed! You haven't gotten any since what? 2008?" I rolled my eyes and passed through. "See you at the game!" I heard him yell again.

I had to drag myself to my last class of the day. American History. Great. I looked at the clock. What time would the game start? Would Bella be there by now? _Stop it._ I started reading again. _"__Over the 1850s slaves left the __border states__ through sale, manumission and escape, and border states also had more free blacks and European immigrants than the lower South, which increased Southern fears that slavery was threatened with rapid extinction in this..." _That's when I heard all the cheering. So the game had begun.

After covering my ears for another forty minutes to shut out the cheering, I was free. Apparently the game was over, my class was over, the schoolday was over and I could go home in peace. At least, that's what I thought.

The whole parking lot was filled with people. Especially the jocks and sluts were everywhere right now. Everywhere together. I tried to get to my Volvo. I was sure Emmett could get a ride with that Jasper guy.

"Edward!" _Don't turn around, don't turn around_, I thought to myself. I felt someone grab my shoulder. I was about to shake it off until I realized it wasn't a hand I knew. "You're Edward, right?" I looked into the eyes of a blond, tall guy. No doubt this would be Jasper. "Yes. And Edward is going home now." I walked around him and that's when I saw Emmett. With a girl. I didn't know if there were more, but I could see one from here. The curious fucker I am, laid my eye on them a little too long for no one to notice. Jasper stood next to me again. "That's Rosalie. You know her?" "No." I started walking again, he kept his pace. "You know, for someone leaving, you're lingering. Just stay for five minutes so you can meet some of us? Emmett's a friend now and his family is automatically a friend too. Come on, it will be fun." He grabbed my arm. "Come on," he said, nodding his head towards the crowd. "I really don't want to." He didn't let go. Was that how it was going to be? "Listen, Jasper, I'm not into this. I'm going home."

"Edward!" I knew that voice. Too fucking well. I couldn't help but turn around. "You came! Well, you missed the game but you're here anyway. Did you survive your last class?" I looked into Bella's eyes. They were so deep. And had circles around them. I was still worried about her. When she'd walked into class a few hours ago she looked so fucking sad. Like someone died or something. Of course I couldn't ask, because that's just not my fucking place. So I just checked a couple of times, to see if she was okay. She started talking towards the end of class so I assumed she was feeling better. She looked a lot better now. Even a little intoxicated? Did they all drink here? I looked around. Yes, there was certainly beer involved. Bella didn't look like... a drinking person?

That was when I realized she'd actually asked me a question. "Oh, eh, yeah." "Good! This is Alice, and that's Rosalie. Oh you met my cousin, Jasper already?" "Hi," I said to Alice and Rosalie with a face that said 'die' instead of 'hi.' Alice was really nice to me though. "Hey, you're Edward right? Are you surviving the rain?" "A little." She smiled. I could understand why Bella was her friend. Rosalie not so much though. She just looked at me like I was filth. Jasper was trying to be nice to me too, even though I didn't need that shit. "Emmett!" Jasper called, "you're brother came anyway!" I saw everyone's heads turning to look at me and I let a little 'shit' slip out of my mouth. Rosalie smiled evil at me. I really didn't like her. Big tits yes, personality no.

Emmett put his arm around me. "You prick! You said you wouldn't come!" I shook his arm off. "I wasn't, I'm just walking to my car." He smelled like beer. He turned to Bella. "So, I know Rosalie and Alice, but never formally introduced myself to you. I'm Emmett, this my brother Edward." Bella smiled, saying: "I know Edward." He looked at me sheepishly. That's right asshole, I know the prettiest and sweetest girl in school. And probably the girl with the highest amount of alcohol in her blood right now. I could see Alice was keeping an eye on her, once things would escalate, she would take care of Bella. I could also see that Rosalie had a thing for Emmett. Jasper walked towards Alice now and they started talking, which quickly changed to kissing. Ew, I didn't want to see that. After seeing and thinking all this, I turned around and saw Emmett having his arm around Bella's shoulder.

I knew exactly what he was going to do next. I'd seen him do this a thousand times already. I looked at Alice desperately, but she was too busy shoving her tongue down Jaspers throat. I then turned to Rosalie, but she just glared. She liked Emmett right? Then why didn't she do a fucking thing about this shit that was about to happen? Because she hated me already and saw I had a thing for Bella? Did I really have to break up this shit on my own?

Bella looked up at Emmett and Emmett leaned in. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to shove my foot up his ass. Emmett closed his eyes, Bella just stared at him, eyes wide open. Was she that naive to not know what was coming? I couldn't help but stare. I didn't care who looked at me like I was a freak now. I was still hoping an elephant would come rushing through the square, but nothing came. Emmett pressed his lips against hers.

I started to run to my car. I bumped into everyone but I didn't care. People yelled at me. _Look where you're going! Hey, get the fuck out! Watch out, asshole! _I didn't care. I knew Bella wasn't mine, I knew she was fucking drunk and probably wouldn't remember a thing about this tomorrow, I thought she was different. Not a fucking slut that just kisses everyone. Fuck, people can be fooled. Not even to mention Emmett. He didn't know how I felt about Bella, but he should have. Somehow, his instinct should've told him. He could have _all_ the girls in the world, why for fucks sake Bella?! I shut the door to my Volvo and raced home.

I rushed upstairs and put my earbuds in. I needed to calm the fuck down. I closed my eyes, hoping the music would do its job. I looked at my right and saw the guitar hanging on my wall. I wanted to crush it. But somehow I couldn't.


	4. The day after

**A/N**

You know the drill, comment if you like. Thank you!

***

_Chapter 4: The day after_

**_Edward_**

It was 4:30 am on my alarmclock. I was still wide awake, far from sleeping. I had done some serious thinking. Again. Bella wasn't meant for me, not if she was really this person I'd seen yesterday. She was not the sweet, caring person that I'd known for the past couple of days. I didn't even know how I could be worried about her when she'd walk in class yesterday with those swollen eyes. Probably just fucking hangover. Like she would be today. I still had the choice of not going to school today, but I knew I would. I wanted to see for myself, if Bella and Emmett had shit going on, or if it was just for one day. Bella did look like she didn't know what was coming… _No._ She was just like everybody else her age. Just a little bit more beautiful. Yeah, okay, a lot more fucking beautiful.

Eventually I fell asleep, but the alarm rang way too early. I felt like I'd only slept for two hours, which was probably the case. I wasn't going to wake Emmett so he could catch a ride with me to school today. I just got ready and took off. I had no math for the rest of this week, so I would only see Bella during the breaks. I wouldn't smell her vanilla scent and look into her deep brown eyes. This should make it easier for me to let her go, maybe my crush would disappear as fast as it had appeared. I was sure that was going to happen.

When I walked through the hallways, going to my first class, I saw Jasper. "Hey Edward!" I had no fucking interest in talking to him. I tried to avoid him. "You didn't stay very long yesterday, did you?" Why did he want to talk to me so bad? So he could talk about Emmett and Bella again? I didn't respond. "I'm really starting to like Alice, you know. You know Alice, right? I know she likes me, I just don't know if I like her enough." I kept silent. "We could hang out sometime. Just you and me." Was he fucking kidding me? Couldn't the man take a hint? I wasn't responding to anything he said, I almost ran down the hallway to get to my next class, I had a face that didn't look very fucking nice. "You're a good listener, Edward. Do you happen to know where Emmett is?" By hearing his name something snapped. "No, I fucking don't. Now leave me the fuck alone." Finally Jasper stopped walking, a little startled to say the least.

The first hours of the day were without a doubt the hardest. I was still so tired and wanted to get some sleep. So I decided during my English class I could take a nap. That didn't work out quite well. I think I slept for a few minutes, when someone thought it would be hilarious to write something on my face. I'm a light sleeper so I woke up, with only half a penis drawn on my cheek. Motherfuckers. I went to the bathroom and washed it off. You could only see a few dark lines along my cheeck now. Why did everyone have to mind my business? This was my fucking life right? I was the one who was going to live it, not them.

During our first break, I decided I wasn't going to eat in the cafeteria. I'd sit outside or something. I didn't want to see Bella, Emmett or that whole gang. I just wanted to be alone. The weather was cold, but it wasn't raining so I sat at the picknick table. I decided that for the next few days when I sat alone, I'd bring a book or my iPod so I could kill time. Now I was staring at my food, which wasn't that much fun. The bell rang and everyone went to their classes again. On my way into school, I saw Alice. She was talking to someone. Bella. Right, I didn't need this shit. I passed them both, without even granting them a look. They were both bitches. I actually liked Alice because she seemed to look out for Bella, but yesterday she showed me 'boys' were listed higher than 'best friends' on her list. The same goes for Bella. They were on my hate-list, where Rosalie was already shining.

**_Bella_**

During the first break I'd talked to Alice about yesterday. I wasn't like this. I wasn't a person that just hooked up with someone, because they were drunk. Drunk? Bella Swan and drunk. That just didn't go together. It was just that I felt alone and like crap, so I thought I could have one drink. But I started to feel better and forget about my mom for a moment. That's when I had my second drink… And third, fourth and fifth. I never drank alcohol, so it really kicked in. My head felt like a rollercoaster. Well, that's my own fault. And I kissed a random guy? I knew it wasn't like… how Alice and Rosalie kissed guys. A kiss on the lips and that was it. But still, that's not me. I'd never even kissed someone besides just a simple kiss on the lips. And the last time I did that was in fourth grade, with Matthew McCoy. My puppy love. I was glad I hadn't gone further than that yesterday, because I'd want to remember my first real kiss.

I told Alice all this, when Rosalie was at home because she was sick. She was just as hungover as I was, at least I went to school. Alice wasn't hungover, she didn't drink. She did kiss Jasper though, she was happy about that. I was happy for her, maybe something _could_ happen between them. Anyway, Alice told me that if I was feeling alone I should come to her and not just seek for love elsewhere, because "that's just not how I work" according to her. She was right, though. But she was having fun with Jasper and I didn't want to come between that. She knew that, but she wanted me to know I would always be her number one. I loved Alice. She'd also asked me if I liked Emmett. I told her I didn't know him at all, just that he was Edward's brother. Since I kissed him, I decided I wanted to get to know him. Maybe I would like him and the kiss wouldn't be a stupid mistake. We didn't talk about my mom. I wanted to, so I decided to ask her to come over tonight. Ofcourse she agreed. Then the bell rang and we both went to our class. We agreed to meet each other during the next break, at Emmett and Jaspers table.

Luckily time went by fast and before I knew it, I was walking towards the cafeteria for the last break of the day. "Hey girl," Alice said while putting her arm around my shoulder. "Hey," I replied, a small smile on my face. "Are you sure you want to go sit with them? I mean, we can just sit in our usual spot." She said kindly. "No, it's okay," I said determined, "I don't want to avoid what happened yesterday and since I kissed the guy I might as well get to know him." Alice looked at me. "Just promise you'll tell me when you want to get out." "I will, don't worry," I said, while putting my arm around her too.

"…And then my parents came in, so I jumped up, all freaking naked!" I heard them talk. Really? I kissed this guy? This was going to take some effort. "Hi guys," Alice said while sitting down. I sat down beside her. "Hey you," Jasper went through her hair and she turned red. I smiled at her encouraging. "Yesterday was fun..." she said to him. He nodded and planted a kiss on her forehead. Alice was a tomato by now. I couldn't help but smile. She'd wanted this for so long. Not just kissing him, but the 'picture perfect'. She seemed pretty close now.

"So did you recover from yesterday?" Emmett said while taking a seat next to me. I swallowed. "A little, I don't really drink, so yesterday was tough. Well, not yesterday, today I feel like there's a giant elephant sitting on top of my head." He laughed. "I know what you mean. You seemed pretty hammered. Any regrets?" Did he really have to ask this? I couldn't say that I regret kissing him. Not in front of everyone here. I decided to lie. "Nope." I turned my head away from him, so he couldn't see I was lying. My face always told people I was. "Where is Rosalie?" he then asked. "She's at home. She's not as tough as we are." He laughed. "Right." I was a little insulted. "What? You don't think I'm tough?" "You don't seem… tough," he teased. "Well, I am," I answered him shortly. If he only knew. "Show me." I looked at him, my eyes saying 'how?' "Tell everyone in this room you kissed me yesterday." My face turned a little angry. "I didn't even_ really_ kiss you. We just pressed our lips together." "You want to kiss me for real then?" He said, and laid his hand on my knee. I didn't want this. I looked at Alice, pleading with my eyes. She understood. "Bella, you want to help me with something? I really don't get that part of American History and I have a test in a few hours." I nodded. She walked towards me and grabbed my hand, guiding us to another table.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing, I just… He put his hand on my knee and we had a conversation about being tough and he wanted me to prove myself. I didn't want to." We were silent for a few seconds. "So, Jasper and you are going the right way?" Perfect subject for Alice. "Yeah, he's so amazing. Did you see that he kissed my forehead? He wouldn't do that if he just felt lust for me right? He must really like me. Do you think he likes me?" "Who doesn't," was my reply and continued, "Do you really need help by the way?" "No silly, I was just trying to get you out of here," she responded while poking my side. "Thanks, hon." We walked to our last class of the day and I was happy about that, when I'd come home I'd go straight to bed for a few hours.

***

Someone was knocking on my frontdoor. I was finally sleeping, so I turned around. But not for long, because that's when I realized it. Oh that's right! I invited Alice over! I hurried downstairs, not caring how I looked because Alice wouldn't care. I opened the door. "Sexy hair," she said, while taking the first step into the house. "I got everything for a girls night. Icecream, that needs to go into the freezer now, chocolate and tissues," she said with the biggest smile on her face. "Oh, I also got a blanket in case we get cold cause of the icecream." "You think of everything," I said, while shaking my head.

She sat down on the couch and I turned the DVD player on. I knew we were mostly just going to talk about things, so I went for a movie we'd already seen a thousand times. Romeo and Juliet. I put the icecream in the freezer for later and got us something to drink. "Why did you invite me over, honey?" Alice asked. "I want to talk about my mom…" I said, a little hesitant. She just nodded, a cue for me to continue. "You know, eh, Edward and Emmetts dad is a doctor? He's her new doc and he checks on her every now and then. He comes to our home to check if her condition has changed since the last time he saw her. He'd come today too, but I was asleep. I think he'll stop by tomorrow again. The last time he was here he asked me if the previous doctor ever had a conversation about how long… eh, she had left." Ofcourse I wasn't going to cry, because I couldn't with people around, not even Alice. But I had that lump in my troath again. "What did you say?" Alice asked, pulling the blanket on top of us. "I told him the previous doc never said anything about that. I always thought my mom was going to live, even with all this medication, she was going to stay alive. And I don't know how I could've fooled myself like this, Alice. I mean look at her, she's practically dead already. I take care of her every single day, for nothing. Because she's going to die. Sooner or later, she is. She's not going to live 'til she's eighty and I realize that now. But it's just so… hard." I looked down.

Alice pulled me in, laying my head on her shoulder. I could tell she was crying. She began to talk, with a trembling voice. "You're one of the most caring and loving person I know, Bella Swan. I feel blessed to have you as my best friend. You're doing such a great job on your mom and handling the situation. I'm so proud of you." We didn't speak for a few minutes. "How long do _you_ think she has left?" Alice asked me. "I honestly don't know. I can see her body's shutting off, every day a little more. I see that she gets more tired every day while taking her medication. I think she'd rather be dead by now, but she sticks around for me." "Do you think you can let her go? So she knows she can go and you're okay with it?" She then asked. "But I'm not, Alice. How can I be okay with this? She's my mother, I love her so much." "I know baby, I know. I'm just telling you, you should think about it. You don't want her to suffer and you want and need her here. But what if she is suffering and sometime soon her body's going to break?" She asked, while going through my hair, my head still on her shoulder. "I know it's for the best if she… dies… But I'm not ready. Not yet." Alice nodded. "Do you think _she_ is ready?" "For more than six months now," I answered.

We were watching the movie for about a half an hour when Alice started talking again. "You want some icecream?" "Sure." Alice got up and disappeared in the kitchen. She came back with vanilla icecream. "Your favorite," she smiled. I thanked her and got two spoons. "You know, if you ever need me to talk to you, you can always call me or ask me to come over. You know that right? You're not alone." Alice said, grabbing a spoon from my hand. "I know. You're the best," I said, looking at her while taking my first mouth full of icecream.

When the bucket, that was once filled with icecream, was practically empty, I looked at the clock. It was half past eleven already. Alice noticed too. "I can stay over, if you want?" I nodded. "Tomorrow's a schoolday though, you need your books." Alice laughed at me. "Pff, who needs books in school?" I laughed too, patting her head. "Weirdo."

We fell asleep not much later.

**_Edward_**

She really liked Emmett, didn't she? Maybe that's why she asked me all those questions during math the other day. _"You have a brother right? He's in this school too?"_ I repeated the questions in my head. I should've known all along. I mean, she even sat with him during the second break today. He had his hand on her knee. She was so fucking easy. At that point I walked out of the cafeteria and went to sit at the picknick table again. Who cared it was this fucking cold outside. Anything but to see Emmett and Bella together. I must admit, I liked Jasper and Alice as a couple. They looked cute together. Emmett was too huge for Bella, Bella was so fragile. He should've gone with Blondie Bigtit.

I decided, when I was home from school, I was going to make use of my guitar. I was determined not to let it make me think of Bella. I went to some bookstores, looking for a guitarbook for dummies. And I found one. Bella was just the person who sold it to me and learned me two chords. This book was going to help me further. I needed the distraction. When I got home, straight to my bedroom, I started reading. I was at 'chapter 4: The Easiest Way to Play: Basic Major and Minor Chords,' when Esme called us all for dinner. This shit was pretty interesting. I was dying to get some cool tunes out of my guitar, even though it was an acoustic and wouldn't sound as rock-ish as I'd like it to.

I went downstairs and to my surprise, there were only four plates on our table. "Is Carlisle working late today?" "No honey, Emmett's having dinner with a few friends," was Esme's reply. I bet he was at Bella's, with Alice and Jasper or something. Fuck that. "What are we eating tonight?" I was all about the distraction I could fucking get. "I made pizzas myself, I did your favorite too. With extra cheese, mushrooms, salad and garlick," Esme said while she smiled at me, placing the pizza in front of me. At least that was a good ending of a crappy day. I devoured the pizza within seconds and Esme asked if she needed to make another one. I was still fucking hungry but I told her no. Then she asked if I wanted a piece of her pizza because she wouldn't finish it anyway. I told her yes. She had a regular pizza, just cheese and tomatoes but fuck, her pizzas were good. The best I ever had. Carlisle was talking about his work again. And that reminded me of the car parked at that white house. He could _not_ be having a fucking affair, so I dared to ask again. I acted like I saw his car again today, eventhough I hadn't. I could see from his reaction if I was right or wrong.

"So, Carlisle, I saw your car parked at that white house again today," I said, looking at my slice of pizza. Carlisle looked uncomfortable. Motherfucker. Esme looked at Carlisle, no suspection at all. Was she okay with him having an affair? What the fuck. "You don't care, Esme? He's fucking another woman and you're okay with that?" "Edward! That's enough!" Carlisle yelled. "What?! I see your car there, you told me it must've been someone elses car, I see you again and you're not even trying to make an excuse for it! Who is it?!" I was trembling with anger. The night hadn't turned out so good, as I'd expected. Esme looked a little frightened at Carlisle and Carlisle looked back concerned. They had one of their mental conversations again. Fuck that shit, what the hell was going on here?! Apparently they came to a conclusion.

"Edward, son, it has something to do with work and I can lose my job by telling you this. I have to be a professional and not talk about my clients with my family or any other people…" I didn't even let him finish. "What kind of lame excuse is that?!" "You have to calm down, otherwise there's no point in telling you this," Carlisle said sincerely. So he was trying to tell me something. About that shit. Well fuck, let's hear it then. I spoke no more. "That house belongs to a mother and a daughter. The mother is very ill and will die soon. She has breastcancer. Chemo didn't help her, she's been living on medication for over six months now. Every day she shuts down cell by cell. Her daughter is taking care of her, making sure she gets her medication. When I talked to her the other day about her mothers condition, she had no idea her mother was going to die soon. She always held hope and her previous doctor never said anything about dying. She's having a really hard time now and I check on her and her mother every other day, to make sure nothing gets out of hand. I want to get to know them both, so I can treat them the right way. No one knows about this case in Forks, and the daughter would like to keep it that way. So I respect her decision and treat them both at their home, after workhours. Esme knew about this, because I didn't want her to get upset, thinking I would be having an affair, like you do. That's why I'm telling you now. But Edward, you can't share this information with anyone. I'm not giving you names, because I already told you things I shouldn't have said in the first place. Mind you, I could lose my job because of this."

I didn't speak. Esme held my hand. "It's true, Edward, you're father is not having an affair, he is only helping people in need." I nodded. I felt like such an asshole now. "I'm… sorry." I never apologized, so they both knew I meant it. "How could you know honey?" Esme said, while rubbing my back. "So there's… really no chance for the mom?" Carlisle shook his head. "They did all they could." "That's a really sad fucking story." Esme glared me. I sighed. "That's a really sad story."

After that conversation I went upstairs, trying to read my book again. Carlisle's story was fucking sad. I couldn't shake it off. It stuck in my head for some reason. Like I knew the family personally, which of course I didn't. It's weird this moved me, because nothing ever really did. To get my mind off of that, I got my guitar and tried some things, that were said in the book. I could skip playing the A and D chords, I could do that now. I started to practice G and C. G was a little difficult cause my fingers weren't working with me. But I managed to pull if off after half an hour. Then I heard a knock on my door. I hung my guitar against the wall and opened the door.

"Hi darling," it was Esme. "Hey," I replied. "I heard you playing your guitar downstairs. I didn't know you got one. Did you get it here?" "Yeah…" It felt a little too personal to talk about this with her. I don't know, it's not like I poured my soul into the chords I just played, but it was mine. And Bella's. _No_, not Bella's. "I didn't know there was a music store here in Forks." "There isn't." She looked a little confused. "But you said you got it here." "I drove to Port Angeles." She seemed to get it now. "Can you play something for me? What I heard was beautiful." I rolled my eyes. "They were four chords Esme, it's nothing special. I'll play for you when I can actually play something real." I wouldn't, but she didn't have to know. Esme smiled and went through my hair. Argh! "You'll be great, I know you will," and she walked out of my room. Why always the hair?! Before I could get too irritated I started reading again. I promised myself I would take this book to school tomorrow, so I wouldn't be so bored during breaks. I'd bring my iPod too, to see if I could recognize some notes, with the help of 'chapter 5: Playing Melodies without Reading Music!'

After I played the chords another tenthousand times so I could dream them, I went to bed. With my book and my iPod already in my bag, I was ready to face school and its evilness tomorrow.


	5. Hello and goodbye

**A/N  
**  
Thank you for following this story everyone. Comments would be very loved!

---

_Chapter 5: Hello and goodbye_

**_Edward_**"You know, I don't get that Bella girl. First she kisses me after that game and the next day she comes to sit with me at lunch. Then she continues to do so for the rest of the week and the week after that, but we always just talk, we never do shit." Emmett was frustrated, I could see that. "I want some shit to happen Edward, I'm not a priest." I just nodded. The last two weeks I managed to get Bella somewhat out of my head. Not all of her, just… pieces. "She talks to me and when I lean in she always calls Alice. Or she seems to think about it and stares at me for a moment and then she decides she doesn't want to kiss me and just pats my nose. I'm desperate, dude, I'm telling you, if she doesn't kiss me in the next two days, I'm going for that blond girl. She's hot, don't you think?" "Sure." I couldn't care less.

"Why don't you come sit with us?" I looked at him. "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't belong there and you know it." He looked back at me. "Jasper likes you. I think Alice could be nice to you. And maybe you can give me some advice on that Bella thing." Right, like that shit was going to happen. She was just out of my thoughts, I wasn't going to let her in again, just like that. "No, I'll stick to the picknick table." "Oh yeah man, what's the deal with that? You're even sitting there when it's freezing and raining." I shrugged. "That's my place." Emmett looked at me like he didn't understand a word I was saying, shook his head and asked me: "You want to play a game on the Playstation?" "Sure."

We played GTA San Andreas. I loved racing and mugging people. Emmett seemed pretty into it too_. "Yes, baby, yes!" "So long motherfucker!"_ and_ "Fuckface!" _were high on his list. After two hours of this shit I had enough and wanted to play my guitar. Esme ------ whined a few times ------- for me to play stuff for her. But I just really wasn't going to do that. I finally found a way out, my own thing. I wasn't going to let anyone in with that. I could play the basic seventh chords now too, thanks to chapter 6: Adding some spice. You could make fun of me for that, but that book fucking worked. I was now 'starting to sound cool.' Trying to shift positions, trying to understand double stops, learning to play a song called 'Simple Gifts.' Not my fucking thing. But hey, if it helped me rock out with it later, I would be happy to do so. Maybe I could even start writing my own music, if I got this thing down.

While I was playing 'Simple Gifts' my mind started wandering again. The last two weeks went… okay. When I'd talked to Bella during math, we strictly talked about math. That was my rule. Sometimes I slipped, when she would ask how I was doing and what class I had next. She never asked about my guitar though. I never asked anything about her. From now on she was just my classmate, that was kind of dating my brother. I still wasn't over her. I mean, she still was fucking beautiful, she still had the same smile and I could simply drown in those eyes. But, I was getting there. Big fucking hooray for my guitar and iPod for the distraction.

***

It was Monday again. First day to one hell of a school week again. I had my first results in from little tests that meant shit, but the teachers didn't seem to hate me as much as I thought. I got a C for science and an A for math. Pretty fucking good right? Bella got a D for math, but still she'd thanked me for a helping hand. Maybe she could ask Emmett now, he was good at math too. She still sat with him today, at lunch. I could see that through the windows. It was freezing out here, but I was doing okay with Travis singing in my ears and my book to keep me company. I think I knew what college I was trying to get into. The academy of music. I was going to need to be a lot fucking better than this, but I still had two years of practice ahead of me. I would get there. At least I hoped so.

"Hey Edward!" Bella smiled at me. She still seemed excited to see me, even though I really wasn't being nice to her anymore. Strictly math, like I said. "Hi," was my short response. "Guess what? I'm going to resit the math test, so hopefully I can get a D+ or something." "Awesome." I looked at my books. I actually hoped she would get a higher grade than that, but whatever. I wasn't giving in to my feelings or offering her help. "So, since you're amazing at math I wanted to ask if you could explain a few things again? Just as a reminder for the resit?" Was she fucking kidding me? I knew I couldn't explain those things to her in this class, so we'd have to meet up after school. At someone's home. I knew I would fucking fall for her again if I would be near her for more ten minutes, just the two of us. "When is your resit?" "It's this Thursday. You would be my absolute hero if you could help me. I'll do whatever you want." Oh okay. Break up with my brother, kiss me instead of him and stop being so gorgeous. "I'm really busy this week, sorry." "Oh…" she seemed disappointed, "that's okay. I'll ask Alice or Emmett or something." I nodded, growling inside.

We didn't talk for the rest of the class. What I just did was a pretty fucking big achievement for me. Turning down a chance to be alone with Bella Swan. Where's the golden medal? I was fucking curious to see if she would ask Alice or if she would ask Emmett. I was hoping she'd ask Alice, but I shouldn't fucking be sad if she'd ask Emmett. They were… dating. Or something, I don't know what they had. They obviously hadn't kissed anymore. But they were still sitting together and the hand on the knee was fine by now, apparently. I went to sit inside the cafeteria for once, to see who she'd ask for help. I'd been doing so good today, I could give myself a reward. This was mine. Seeing Bella. I know, it's in fucking contradiction, but I'm just twisted like that.

I went to sit where I sat the first day of school. I could see every group perfectly from here. I saw Bella walking by, with Alice and Bigtit by her side. She saw me. "Oh hey, Edward. Tired of the cold?" She'd noticed me sitting there. Fuck. "Yeah, I guess." I turned around, pretending to be searching through my bag for some food. I was inside the cafeteria for five fucking minutes and she started talking to me again? I guess I really have to be outside to get over her completely. Bitch. Yeah, okay, I didn't mean that. This shit was complicated.

Once the coast was clear, I checked to see if she sat at her usual spot now, which was with Emmett and Jasper. Obviously, she was sitting there. I guess Alice and Jasper were a real thing now. They even held hands. I heard some stories from Emmett and he said Jasper wasn't usually into that kind of shit. I guess they'd make it official now. Or not, I don't care.

Bella sat next to Alice and Emmett, things could go both ways. I knew Emmett was desperate to get in to Bella's pants, but his main goal was her mouth for now. If she'd ask him to help her, they would kiss again. Maybe even in my fucking house. _Ugh._ Please, Bella, ask Alice. I saw Emmett laid his hand on Bella's knee again and she smiled at him. I saw her asking him something. I couldn't tell if this was _the_ math question, or just a random conversation. One of the many they had. I heard him say 'of course' and I decided it had to be the math question. Fuck. Let them meet at her house, not at ours please. I didn't want Bella in my house, not when I wasn't completely over her. I couldn't tell what they were saying so I just hoped for the best.

After a while I looked at their table again, Rosalie was glaring at Bella. I laughed, she was so falling for Emmett and his muscles. Too bad he had his eyes on Bella. If they kiss this week, that is. But that wouldn't be a problem, I guessed. The next break I would go sit outside again, away from these teenagers going crazy with hormones. I knew I was one myself, but that didn't count. Just before the bell rang, the cue for us to drag ourselves to the next class, I saw Emmett leaning in again. Bella looked at him, like she did when he tried to kiss her the first time. But she didn't look like that for long, she actually closed her fucking eyes. Fuck fuck fuck. Okay, so she's going to kiss him. Was it really that fucking bad? I mean, I was getting over her, I shouldn't be upset about this. I thought all this, in about the one second they needed to get their lips to press together.

And that was all that happened. Thank God.

**_Bella_**

Emmett would help me with my resit for math. That was really nice of him and as a thank you I decided one little kiss on the lips wouldn't hurt anyone. It felt kind of nice actually. Anyway, I knew he wanted more but I still wasn't sure if I was into him enough to do… 'more.' I looked at Alice and Jasper. They were so in love. I know Jasper hated to admit it, but he was in head over heels. He even called her sweety. Sometimes it made me even nauseous to look at them. But I was happy for Alice, she'd wanted this for so many months now. They hung out after school in the parking lot, kissing mostly. But last week, on Friday, he'd asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend. You wouldn't expect that from such a tough guy like Jasper, right? I thought it was sweet of him. He probably wouldn't want the rest of the school to know that he was such a softie, so I kept my mouth shut.

I was still weirded out by the fact that Edward didn't want to help me with my resit. He was acting strange the last few weeks. Even more strange than he already was. I'm sure he had his reasons, but still, it was weird to me. He talked to me during class, he answered shortly, as always. _How are you, Edward? Fine. What's your answer here? 89. What's the matter? Nothing._ I repeated our conversations in my head. If you could call them conversations that is. I added the last one: _Will you help me? No._ You know, I actually thought I could like him. He was nice to me the first week, but that abruptly changed. Well, I was going to be nice to him anyway, I had to get along with him if I was seeing Emmett this Wednesday. We were going to meet at his house, at five. He was Edward's brother so he had to be good at math. Maybe I would know if I liked him enough to have my first real kiss by then. I doubted it though. He seemed really sure to know what he wanted, on the other hand.

***

I was at home, watching tv. It was almost seven o'clock, which meant that Dr. Cullen would stop by again. He'd been here a lot these past two weeks. I could see that my mom was so tired of this life, that she was ready to go, but waiting for my approval. I couldn't grant her permission just now. Dr. Cullen knew that, so he was kind of helping me too, by giving my mom new medication. We'd talked about her death. Kind of. He asked me how long I thought she had left, like Alice had asked me. I told him I didn't know. He said that he thought she could have two months to six months. Pretty big gap in between, but at least I could prepare myself now. Even if it was just a little.

I decided I'd go check on her one last time tonight, before she would go to sleep. She was watching television now. She could only take five minutes every half hour, because her head couldn't stand the light. It gave her headaches. She was watching the news when I walked in. "Hey mom, how are you holding up today?" "Baby," was her only response to what I said and she smiled at me. "Do you need anything? Water?" "I'm fine, thanks, honey." She paused between each word. We were silent for a moment and she tried to take my hand. I helped her and laid my hand in hers. She started to talk. Slowly but surely. "You are the best daughter anyone could wish for, Isabella Swan. I love you with all my heart." That lump in my throat stopped by again. "Mom…" I hesitated, "this is not goodbye, is it?" She looked at me. "No, I just wanted you to know, no matter what happens." I nodded. "I love you too, mom. You're the most important thing in the world to me." I wanted to hug her, but I knew I couldn't. She would be in too much pain. She closed her eyes, so I thought she wanted to go to sleep. Every word she said took a lot of effort. I shut the tv off and went downstairs. I cleaned my face, so I could wash the worries away before Dr. Cullen showed up.

Not much later someone knocked on my front door. Dr. Cullen. He told me I could call him Carlisle, but he deserved being called a doctor. "Hello Bella, how are you today?" He said while walking towards the couch. "Hi Dr. Cullen, I'm okay, how are you?" "Fine, fine," he said with a smile on his face, that relaxed my tense body. "Did you talk with your mom about her death, like I asked?" he asked then. I was silent. "It's so hard." He nodded. "I had a feeling she was saying her goodbyes to me just now. She said how much she loved me and that kind of stuff. What do you think?" Dr. Cullen looked serious. "Could be. Did you ask her what she meant by that?" "I did." "What did she say?" I tried to remember her exact words. "She said, _'I just wanted you to know, no matter what happens.'_ Is that an open answer?" "I don't think she's saying goodbye yet. Just preparing you for what's going to happen." I didn't look at him while saying the next thing. "Do you think she'll say goodbye soon?" He looked at me, even though I was looking away. "Bella, I think you know she is waiting for you to let her go. She's ready, you know that." I nodded. It was really time to let her go, slowly. God, this was going to be so hard. "Do you mind if I go check on your mother now?" "No, sure, go ahead," I said, smiling wryly at him. While he passed me, he patted my head. He was a really nice man.

I turned the tv on and watched a lot of stuff about nothing, while laying under my favorite blanket. Suddenly my mind drifted off to Edward. Maybe I could ask him tomorrow what was wrong. I mean, clearly something was wrong. But was I honest when someone asked me what was wrong? Only to Alice, my mom and since a few weeks Dr. Cullen. That was ironically Edward's dad. Maybe he would know? At that point Dr. Cullen made his way downstairs again.

"Dr. Cullen?" He walked into the living room, I stood up from the couch. "You are Edward's dad right?" "Yes, I am Emmett's father too," he said, still smiling. "Yes, of course. Is something… wrong? With Edward, I mean." Dr. Cullen looked at me with wide eyes. "Why would you think that?" Oh God, I shouldn't have asked this. What was I thinking?! "It's nothing, really. He's just… He's kind of alone a lot and when I ask him things, he doesn't respond that much. Something seems to be bothering him." I looked down. I was an idiot. "Edward has always been kind of keeping things to himself. Especially since he has his guitar, he is really into it. He doesn't have any friends at school?" I felt a bit weird talking about this now. I was glad to hear about him loving the guitar, though. "He talks to me, sometimes. He sits next to me in math, but that's it." Dr. Cullen nodded. "I'm sure Edward does what's best for him. He knows what he wants." "Of course," I said, while turning red because I shouldn't have asked anything about his son. "Good night, Bella, I'll see you soon." "Bye Dr. Cullen, thanks for stopping by."

I still found it a bit weird, the whole Edward story. A man's got to have friends, right? I decided to call Alice. I dialed her number and she picked up right away. "Bells!" I smiled. "Hey Alice, what's up?" "I was getting ready to go to bed before I got your call. But, come on, talk to me." "You may find this really weird but I've been kind of thinking about Edward tonight." "You mean, Edward the new guy that doesn't talk or look at any human being?" I rolled my eyes. "Yes." She was silent. A really genuine '_why?_' came out of her mouth. "He's such a loner, I wonder if that's normal. He only talks to me when it's about math. Two weeks ago we talked about other stuff too. Maybe he needs help, or something." I know I looked like an idiot, talking about him this way, but I was just… worried. "I'm sure Edward is fine, Bella. You can't worry about every individual in the world. He'll talk when he wants to. Besides, you're seeing Emmett now, right?" "Yeah… I guess." "He is Edward's brother, maybe you could tell him you're worried. Ask him if Edward wants to sit with us during lunch or something." I thought about that. He'd probably say no but it was worth the try. "I could do that." It was silent. "So, how are you and Jasper?" "Oh my God, he just left and we had _the_ most amazing sex!" "Alice! I don't want to know that! Ew!" Alice giggled. I rolled my eyes once again. "You're such a slut," I said, joking. "I know!" she said, laughing along with me. I noticed my eyes were really getting tired so I wanted to postpone the conversation 'til tomorrow. "Alright, I'll talk to you tomorrow Alice. Sweet dreams." "See you tomorrow, hon."

***

It was Tuesday today. I decided I was going to study for my resit today already, so that Emmett could test me tomorrow. During the first break, I would ask Emmett if it was okay if I asked Edward to sit with us at lunch. While I was pondering about this, Alice and Rosalie caught up with me. "Hey Bella!" Rosalie shouted from across the hall. "Hey guys," I said, walking towards them. "Are you really into Emmett?" Rosalie suddenly asked. It startled me a little. "I don't know yet… Why?" She shrugged. "He seems pretty into you, wouldn't be fair if you're just using him." I looked at her, eyes wide open. "I'm not _using_ him, Rose. You _know_ that's not me." "Cut it out, Rosalie," Alice said, while giving her the look. "Whatever you say," Rosalie answered, walking away from us towards our new lunch spot.

The guys were already there. "Hey Bells," Emmett said, while helping me sit on the bench. "That's a heavy bag you got there." I nodded. "I decided to study for tomorrow already, so I brought all the math books with me." "Ah, okay," he said. We were both eating our meal and once we were done, I planned to ask him about Edward. "Hey Emmett? Edward is your brother right?" I said, acting nonchalant. "Yeah… Why? What's up with him?" "I don't know, he just seems kind of lonely sometimes. Is it okay if I ask him to come sit with us?" Emmett began to laugh. Loud. "I'm sure he'll say no, but you can ask." That's when Jasper broke into our conversation. "Oh yeah, your brother seems like a cool dude. Too bad he's so… cold." Emmett shrugged. "Can't help it." I blurted the words out: "Is something wrong with him?" Emmett looked at me weird. "What? No. He just likes to be alone, that's it. Nothing's _wrong_ with him, are you kidding me?" He laughed a little. I just laughed along, not really knowing what was funny about it. "Well, I'm going to ask if he's going to sit with us during the next break, okay?" "You can always try," was all Emmett had to say.

Once the bell rang, I saw Edward walking towards our math class. First I would ask him how he was doing and then I would ask if he wanted to sit with us. I walked straight to our seat in the back of the class. Mrs Lanette wasn't here yet. "Hey Edward," I said, smiling at him. "Hi," he said, as always. "How are you?" He looked at me. "Fine. You?" "Okay," I said, while opening my books already. He just nodded. "Did you do your homework for today? That assignment on page 105 is killing me." He looked at me again, he knew I was trying to talk to him. "Eh… Yeah, the answer is 587." I looked at my answer. 390. Not even close. "Could you explain it to me?" "Yeah… When you take the 89 points…" He got cut off. "Silence everyone!" Mrs Lanette yelled to the class. Dang, why did she have to come in _now_? I was getting somewhere! After forty minutes, Mrs Lanette was quiet and I could talk to Edward again. "I get it now, thanks for trying to help me though," I said, smiling friendly at him. He just nodded. Back to where it had started today. I sighed. He looked at me. "What's wrong?" Then he quickly looked at his books again. He talked to me, okay, ask him now. "I was just wondering if you'd want to sit with our group during lunch today? You know, you met Alice and Jasper. They think you're cool. Emmett's your brother so you should get along with him. No one really likes Rosalie so you can ignore her," I said, telling the truth. He stared at me. "Why?" I didn't really know what to say. "Because, I think you can be a nice person if you talk to people. You don't talk much so no one gets to see the nice Edward. Maybe you could change that? The first two weeks you helped me a lot and I just want to do something back." Okay, the last line was a lie, but I had to say something, right? "I'll… think about it," was his answer.

Time flew by again and the bell rang for the last time before the second break. I was curious to see if Edward would be sitting with us. I sat down at our table, Jasper and Alice already there. I saw Rosalie walking towards us, Emmett by her side. No sign of Edward though. I decided to buy a snack and see if he would be there when I came back.

When I had my chocolate chip cookies I returned to our spot. Still no Edward. I looked outside, at the picknick table. There he was, earbuds in and reading a book. I felt a little disappointed. At least I tried.


	6. Clinging to hope

Chapter 6: Clinging to hope

**_Edward_**

What the fuck was going on in Bella's head? Why did she ask me to go sit with her. No not her, _them_. I turned her down. Second time this week. I didn't know how I was going to survive a third time. I probably wasn't going to. I made a little slip by asking her what was up when she sighed during math. I'm getting over her, but I don't know. I'll always have a certain fucking weakness for her. And I don't even fucking know why.

She'd asked Emmett to help her with math and tomorrow was the big day. That's what Emmett told me after school today. "Bella's coming over tomorrow dude, high five!" He said while raising his hand in the air. "Score," was the only thing I said, not giving him a high five. What was he, 12? "She has this _problem_ with math, so I'm helping her _study_ for her resit," he said, smiling his big smile, knowing that I would get his emphasizes. "She has a _real_ problem with math, Emmett, she's not faking it," I said while taking a look at him. "No man, she wants me, I know it!" He poked my side. "I'm her neighbor in her math class, she really finds math difficult. You should really help her, not just trying to get in her fucking pants," I said, not looking at him anymore. "Seems like you know a lot about her. Do you guys like get along or something? Is that why she wanted to ask you to come sit with us during lunch?" I shrugged. "She didn't ask you, did she?" He said, forming a small grin. "She did, asshole. I said no." He was stunned. "Why the hell would you say no?! We can all hang out together, me and Bella, Jasper and Alice, you and Rosalie!" I glared at him. "Rosalie is not… my thing." "What are you talking about?! She's blonde, has big tits and a vagina!" "Emmett, for fuck sake, can you please shut the hell up?!" I got up from his bed, where we were playing the Playstation again, slammed the door shut and went to my own bedroom.

Since I'd seen Bella I knew I was past that phase of only wanting to fuck. I wanted something real. I felt like such a fucking baby thinking this, but I couldn't help myself. If I'd been in Miami, I would probably sit with the people of Emmetts table and I bet I was fucking Rosalie already. But I didn't want to anymore. I just simply… didn't want to.

I grabbed my guitar and focused on my book. Besides 'Simple Gifts' I could also play 'The Streets of Laredo.' All of it was crap, but I learned a lot while playing these songs. I promised myself I would buy an electric guitar in a couple of months. I'd buy the guitar myself and ask for all the equipment as birthday presents. I knew Esme would be happy to finally get me something I really liked. It was March now, my birthday was June 20th. I'd learn how to play the acoustic songs well in that period of time. Maybe I could play Terrified by Story of The Year acoustic by the time it was June. I'd fucking love that. The guitar really did take up all of my spare time, but that didn't bother me. I loved it and didn't know why I hadn't started sooner. It didn't even made me think that much of Bella anymore. It was _my_ guitar and _I_ was going to make it with it.

I played 'The Streets of Laredo' and was learning to play 'Turkey in the Straw' 'til twelve that night. After that I decided it was time for some good sleep to face the day tomorrow. Bella and Emmett a few meters away from me.

***

Emmett drove with me to school today. It'd been a while since he did so. Jasper usually picked him up, but apparently Alice was more important now. I understood though, in the world of men sex was listed higher than friendship. I wasn't any different, but still I got irritated by it. Jasper didn't need Emmett as much anymore, so Emmett started to need me again. Bastards.

This was the last day I'd have math this week. No more direct talking to Bella. I was sure that after this week was done, I'd be over her as much as I could. It felt fucking good saying this.

I shut the door from Mrs Lanette's class and walked to my seat, waiting to be stunned by beauty for the third time that week. But Bella never showed. Maybe she wanted to study the whole day for her resit tomorrow. That must be it. I looked around me one last time before turning to my assignments, to see if she took another seat. But every face was not hers.

After half an hour I got bored. Normally I'd check to see if Bella got her answers right, which was really rare. Or I'd look to see if she seemed okay that day. But I couldn't do any of that. Just me and my math books. The class dragged on and finally the bell rang. I started to get up, pack my bag and walked out of class, directly to my picknick table. The sun was out today, a rare thing in Forks, so everyone was outside. Even Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Alice. Still no Bella. No one sat at my picknick table thank God, so I could sit in my usual spot. I didn't like all these people around me. During breaks I was alone and it felt good. Book, iPod and food. That was all Edward Cullen needed at school.

I felt a little hand on my shoulder. "Edward?" I looked around to see who's hand it was. Alice. "Hi." "Was Bella in your class today?" She didn't know where Bella was either? Shit. "No. Aren't you supposed to know where your best friend is?" She looked at me, a little angry. "She called me last night and we had a long talk, but she never said she wouldn't come to school today. And now she won't pick up her phone." I shrugged, while all I was feeling was fucking worry. "Don't know where she is. You're talking to the wrong person. Emmett might know." She shook her head. "I asked him already. But I thought maybe you'd know since you and Bella have a weird… connection." I looked at her confused. She made a gesture with her hand that said 'nevermind.' She turned around and walked back to Jasper. She was getting her phone out of her pocket and seemed to be calling Bella. After a few seconds she put it back in her pocket again. Still not picking up the phone, I guessed.

Maybe she was just late. Why did Alice seem so worried? That girl got _me_ worried. I looked at their table again. Emmett was making his moves on Bigtit. What an asshole. Making sure he gets some loving every day, even when Bella's not here. _Ugh_. I looked back at Alice again and she looked me right in the eyes. I pretended to be looking at something else, while I knew Alice had seen me watching her. The end of the break was near and the bell rang. I pulled my earbuds out, book in my bag and walked the hallway to my next class. "Edward!" I turned around. Alice again. "What?" I hissed. "If you see Bella or if she contacts you or something, please tell me." She looked really fucking worried. "What the hell is wrong with her, Alice?" I asked, I didn't care she may have found it weird. "I… don't… Sorry. Just let me know." And she was gone. _Now_ I was really fucking worried. I'd see if she'd come to her appointment with Emmett his afternoon and otherwise I'd call Alice. I'd get her number from Emmett or something. I didn't care how pathetic I looked or that I was almost over her. I needed to know how she was doing.

The rest of the day seemed to go too fucking slow. Every time I switched classes I'd search the hallway to see if Bella's face showed up. It didn't. After the last bell rang for that day, I raced home with Emmett. It was half past three and if Emmett and Bella were still on for their study meeting she would be here in ninety minutes.  
I stared at the clock every five minutes and I couldn't concentrate on 'The Streets of Laredo' or anything that the book said. I decided to quit playing the guitar at half past four. I heard the door slam shut a few times, but never heard a girls voice. I put my iPod in the dock and browsed through my music. I wanted to calm myself so I listened to Sure As Hell by This Providence, on repeat. I looked at the clock again. Only seven minutes left. I was getting nervous. Fuck. I don't get nervous, ever.

Someone knocked on our front door at two minutes past five. I looked out my window and saw a familiar bike. Bella's bike. I felt fucking relief wash over me and I laid down on my bed. So at least she wasn't dead or something. She probably just ditched class to study for her resit. Shit, Alice really needed to fuck the calm down already. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I knew it had to be Bella. I heard a door open, for a moment there were no sounds and then she walked down again. Huh? Did she come here to say 'I'm not coming' to Emmett? That didn't make any sense. I listened very carefully. "He isn't there? He got home, I saw him coming home. Maybe he's in Edward's room?" Esme. No sound coming from Bella's mouth. I heard footsteps again. Fuck, she was coming to my room. Fuck fuck fuck.

The door opened and I saw the most beautiful face. Beautiful but so tired and… hurt. I looked at her, saying nothing. She looked at me and said nothing. My instinct told me to get up, so I did. She stood still in the doorway, none of us were speaking. She took one step into my room. Without even thinking about it, I blurted the words out: "It's okay…" She looked to the ground while walking towards me. She was standing right in front of me and my heart was beating out of my chest. She still hadn't spoken to me, but she didn't need to. If she didn't want to talk, that was okay. Who was I kidding? I wasn't over her. I was far from over her. I was in fucking _love_ with her. She took another step towards me and we were so close now that I could feel her breath against my shirt. I didn't know what to do.

She got my hand and put it around her waist. Then she took my other hand and put it there too. She sighed, still looking down. I didn't say anything, but I knew she could hear my heart beating. She let go of my hands, but I still had them around her waist. She looked up at me, right into my eyes. I couldn't look away, even if I'd wanted to. She swallowed and I could see her eyes started to water. She looked down and one tear fell from her eyes. While one hand was still around her waist, I used the other to wipe the tear away. Then I put it right back where she laid it at first. She looked at me again, more tears started to fall. She put her hands on my arms, working them up. When had her hands on both my shoulders, she looked at me one last time and threw her arms around my neck and cried. Cried like I'd never seen anyone cry before. I didn't say anything. She could cry all she wanted, I didn't care how long. I would be there for her. Carefully I laid my cheek on her head and I used one hand to stroke her hair. She hugged me tighter.

We stood that way for ten minutes. Her crying, me caressing her and making sure she would get it all out. I felt my shirt getting wet because of the tears but I didn't fucking care. She was here and I was there for her. After those ten minutes I asked her if she wanted to sit on the bed. She just nodded but didn't let go. I decided to lift her and walk to my bed. She still held on to me. Still crying, still so fucking broken. I sat down on my bed with my back against the wall and put her down on my lap. She threw her arms around me and sobbed. I held her, not caring if anyone would see or how many hours would go by.

I'm sure we sat like that for two and a half hours. After an hour and a half she'd stopped crying but didn't let go. I didn't either. I would be there for as long as she'd needed me. Not long after that she said thank you. I told her it was okay. We didn't speak again.

She loosened her grip on me but still sat on my lap. She looked at me, her eyes red and her hair messy. I put one curl behind her ear. She fumbled with her hands. "I'm… sorry." I stroke her hair. "You don't have to be sorry." She nodded. "I can't… tell you…" Why did she think she'd have to tell me? "You don't have to, Bella." She nodded again. We were silent for another half hour, she was still clinging to me. "Your shirt is ruined," she said, while looking up at me again. "Who cares," I said, smiling at her. "I can buy you a new one?" "What? No, of course not. It's okay, don't worry." She gave me a little smile. I was glad she could smile again, even if it was just a tiny one like this. "What time is it?" "It's almost eight o'clock." She looked at me apologetically: "I should go home soon." I knew this was going to come, so I shouldn't be so fucking disappointed. "Should I drive you home? Your bike fits in the trunk." She shook her head. "That's okay, I need some fresh air anyway." I nodded and she got off of my lap. "Thank you, really." "Anytime, Bella," I said, rubbing her back one last time. "How do I look?" I looked at her. Red eyes, a fake smile and messy hair. "Beautiful," is what I said. She smiled a little less fake now, saying: "Liar." She went downstairs and got her bike. "See you," she said before she cycled away. "Bye, Bella."

I walked back into the house and saw Esme coming out of the basement. "Are you hungry, honey? I decided to wait for dinner 'til that sweet girl was gone. Emmett's been busy tutoring her since five o'clock. Or did she leave already?" "She left," I said, walking upstairs again. I felt exhausted but still fucking good.

**_Bella_**

I felt the wind rush against my skin. The sun had settled down and the sky began to darken. I was cycling home, back from the Cullen house. I had no idea how could have happened what just happened. But it felt good. Good to finally cry and not care about what sounds you make, what you look like or if you're making a total fool of yourself. Edward didn't care. Somehow I was really glad Edward was there and not Emmett. I don't know where the heck Emmett was, so I was going to flunk my resit tomorrow but it didn't matter. I cried. I finally cried. And he didn't even know why and he didn't care why. I felt like another person. I felt like I wasn't locked inside my own head anymore. I could show people, well, I could show _him_, what I was feeling.

There was no use denying it. Edward and I had a connection. I don't know if it was because he didn't seem so full of life and I wasn't either right now… but we had something. It was twisted and complicated but it was there. I could've closed the door and said 'sorry' when I saw him instead of Emmett, but I didn't. He could see right through me. I thought about that day at school when he'd check on me every five minutes, the day after Dr. Cullen first asked me about my mom and her death. He could see right through me then too.

I parked my bike in the garage and went inside the house. It was cold even though the sun had been warming it up the whole day. I went upstairs to check on my mom. I opened the door to her room and took a few steps. She was asleep. Dr. Cullen had been here yesterday so she had some good medication to take her out. I closed the door and tried to go downstairs without making any noise. Of course I failed because the stairs squeaked. But luckily, it didn't wake her up.

I hadn't talked to Alice all day and I felt a little guilty. I was upset last night when I called her, I didn't come to school today and I hadn't returned her calls. I dialed her number and she picked up right away. "Bella?" "Hi," I said, still feeling guilty. "Thank God you're alive! What the hell have you been doing today?!" She wasn't mad, she was just glad I was alive, like she said. "Studying a little and trying to work past things that happened last night." "You know you could have called me, Bella, even if we already talked for two hours that night." "I know, Alice, I know. But I just… I couldn't even talk. I was just so…" "It's okay, I understand honey. But still, you need to know I'm always here. The next time please give me a sign of life when I try to reach you, okay? I was worried sick about you." The guilt kept coming. "I will, I'm sorry." "Did you go to Emmett's to study for you resit tomorrow, though?" Why did I feel ashamed to tell her this? She just told me that she's always there for me. "I… went to his house." Silence. "Aaaand?" Alice asked. "He wasn't there." "Huh. That's weird. He was pretty occupied with Rose today, though. She isn't home either." I didn't even care if that was the case, if Rosalie and Emmett were hooking up right now. I kissed him twice, nothing more than a kiss on the lips and that was it. He seemed to want more and I didn't know. If I didn't know then maybe I just didn't want to be with him in that way. "That's okay. I mean, I don't want him the way he wants to be with me, I think." She was silent for a moment. "Really?" "Yeah." "He wasn't your type of guy anyway, too muscular," she said. I laughed. "So, you went home after you found out he wasn't there?" "I… eh… talked to… Edward." "Wow. You guys are weird. You asked him to sit with us, he said no. You asked him for help, he said no. You go to his house and he says yes." "It's… complicated." "You feel something for him instead of Emmett?" I didn't know. I didn't think so. "No just friendship. He's sweet." "If you say so," she said, she sounded indifferent. "Anyway, are you coming to school tomorrow?" "I'll be there," I said, "sorry again for not letting you know anything today." "You're forgiven, Bella Swan, I'll see you tomorrow!" "Bye Alice."

Not much later I went to bed and dreamt about what happened yesterday when I was done with school. Only my dream had a better ending.

I opened the door and Dr. Cullen was standing right in front of me. "Hey Bella, how are you today?" he said, patting my shoulder. "Hello Dr. Cullen, doing okay, how are you?" "Fine, fine." The usual answer. "I wanted to have a talk with you and your mom together today, is that okay with you?" "Sure, can I get you something to drink first?" "No, thank you. Should I go upstairs?" "Go ahead." He led the way upstairs and went straight to my mom's bedroom. I went to sit next to her on her bed, and grabbed her hand. "Dr. Cullen wanted to talk to us both today, mom. If it gets too exhausting just let us know." She nodded and said, very slow: "I know what this is about, honey." I looked at her, then at Dr. Cullen. They both looked at me. "What's… going on?" I asked, feeling a little scared now. "Your mother and I have been talking about her condition, Bella. She came with the option of euthanasia. She feels like she's living in pain for too long and she just wants it to stop. She sticks around for you, like you know. But now she's asking you permission to go. If you say yes, she won't do it until you are fully ready for it. Take your time to think about it." I was shocked. The lump started showing again but no tears. My mom took my other hand too, so both my hands were firmly placed in between hers. She cried. "Of course you may mom… You're… in too much pain, I know. I just… don't know how I could ever say goodbye to you," I said, my voice trembling. "Thank you, honey. Let me know when you're ready and I will be too," she said to me, barely audible. Dr. Cullen didn't speak. We were all silent.

I was the one who started to speak again. "So it's certain now. You're going to… die… in a short period of time." She nodded. "Once again, Bella, not until you are ready. We can have sessions here or at my house where we can talk about it and prepare you for what is going to happen. We can talk about where you are going to live and how everything will be arranged." I just nodded. "I'm going to get you something to drink, mom." I went downstairs to the kitchen and saw this purple bottle I hadn't seen before. I decided I wanted to try it so I took a sip from it. It was delicious and I felt really, really good after swallowing it. Not just good as in happy, but healthy and well. My mom should try this, I thought. Maybe she'd get better! I took the whole bottle upstairs and helped her drink it. She finished the whole bottle and her face gained color. Her face looked less old and sick and she started to talk. Loud, clear and fast, like she'd done before she got sick. "Thanks honey, that was delicious." I looked at her, stunned. "Mom, you… look amazing! Talk to me again!" "I'm Renee and I'm as healthy as a horse," she said while stepping out of bed. She started to jump and I started to jump too. We were both so happy.

***

_"I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head." _I shut my alarm radio off. I didn't need Blue October today. That dream I just had was all kinds of wrong. I couldn't let myself feel happiness, even in my sleep, while my mom was going to die soon. When I was ready for her to do so. On top of that, I'd have to face Edward today after my huge humiliation yesterday. He didn't seem to care but I felt embarrassed now. At least I didn't have math today.

---

**Comments are better than Bella crying in Edwards arms.**


	7. Worries

**A/N**

Thanks for the comments! That you all are reading this is really special to me. Thank you!

* * *

Chapter 7: Worries

**_Edward _**

"Didn't you have an appointment yesterday with someone?" I asked Emmett this morning. He looked at me, asking _'what?'_ with his eyes. "Bella?" I said, he fucking knew what I was talking about. "Shit! She came down here? I thought she was ill or something so I just went to… another appointment." I rolled my eyes, I could see he'd got some last night. His eyes tinkled that way. "Yes, she was here at five, you asshole. You can't tell her you're into her and then fuck someone else, Emmett. That's really fucking low." "Jesus bro, since when do you care? Besides, I still like Bella. I thought she would be easy but she's difficult anyway." I felt anger building up. Yes, Bella obviously had some issues but didn't we all? You can't just dump a girl because of that. Fuck I was getting mad. "Was she good?" "Who?" "Bigtit." He was silent. "Man, that was amazing! Jasper came to pick me up yesterday, he drove me to Rosalie and Alice's house. Nice place, by the way." "You are _such_ an ass." I slammed the door. "You're being a girl, Edward!" I heard him scream after me. No ride for Emmett to school today.

I'd slept well. I actually woke up smiling, because I'd had Bella close to me. Bella showed her, all of her. Not literally, but you get what I mean. She was vulnerable and she let me in. It made me feel fucking good. Like she trusted me. I was a little confused about what was going to happen at school today. Would she ignore me like nothing ever really happened or were we going to build something up? I knew I couldn't ignore her anymore. I was in love with her and had been since the second I saw her. This was the first time I really loved someone. Besides Carlisle and Esme, that is. I wasn't used to these feelings. The thought that she might want me the same way I wanted her, made me uncomfortable. She wouldn't want me anyway, I mean… She just wouldn't. But I couldn't help but fantasize about it. I needed to stop this shit. It was already a big fucking deal I admitted I was in love with Bella, no need to get all smushy.

I got into my car and drove to school. I saw Jasper and Alice driving into the parking lot too. "Hey Edward," Alice said to me, with a smile on her face. That startled me a little, the last time she talked to me it was because of Bella. "Hi," I said, face down. Jasper gave me a nod and got out of the car. "Have you seen Bella already?" Alice asked me. Fuck, did she know about yesterday? Did Bella tell her? I didn't want to be seen as the softie of the school. "No," was all I said. Alice nodded and walked hand in hand with Jasper to school. At that moment I also saw Rosalie in her BMW M3 Convertible with Emmett in the passenger seat. After the car stood still she shoved her tongue into his mouth and he seemed pretty happy about it. They were perfect together. Assholes. I was going to convince him to tell Bella though. No reason for her to find out like this.

I walked towards Emmett when he was done with Bigtit. "Hey, are you going to tell Bella?" "What do you care?" I looked down. "Nothing, I just think it's not fair to her. You probably let her fail on her resit already because of yesterday. The least you can do is tell her it's not going to work out." "You are a different man here, Edward, I swear. In Miami you couldn't care less about what I did and didn't do with girls." "Shut up. Just do it, okay?" I turned around and walked away. Not caring for his answer, because he _was_ going to do it, no matter what.

I knew that I didn't have math for today and tomorrow. So I would be kind of Bella-free, I was a little disappointed about that. Who wouldn't be. I decided to go sit in the cafeteria today, instead of my usual picknick table. I wanted to see Bella. I was really giving in to every fucking craving I had for her. Emmett was right, I _am_ another man. Fuck that.

The first break began and I walked towards the cafeteria. I saw Alice again. She saw me, too. "Hey Edward," she smiled again. Bella must've told her what happened last night, why else would she say hi to me every fucking time I saw her? "Hi Alice," I said, not knowing if I should start a conversation. She just smiled again and walked passed me. Probably picking up Bella from her class or something. I took a seat next to the food tray and saw Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie already sitting at their table. "I agree with Edward, you have to tell her, Emmett. It's not fair." "You guys are a pain in my ass," I heard Emmett say. He looked over his shoulder and apparently saw Bella. He got up from his seat and walked towards her. "Can I talk to you for a second?" Bella seemed a little startled and caught me staring at her. She didn't smile, she just looked down. Shit. She didn't want me. "Sure, Emmett," she said. I felt like shit the rest of the break.

**_Bella_**

"I think you're a really cute girl but it's not going to work, Bella, I'm sorry." Emmett was really uncomfortable, his feet moved the whole time he was talking. "I kind of guessed that after I was at your house yesterday." He looked apologetically. "Yeah, about that, I'm really sorry. If I knew you were coming I would've waited for you, I just thought you were ill because you weren't at school." I swallowed. "Yeah, I was, I still needed help though." He nodded and said: "I'm sorry." I shrugged. "I don't think I would've done better on the resit anyway." He didn't know what to say. So I just said what I was thinking. "So you like Rosalie?" He looked at me right away, and looking back to the ground as fast as he could. I laughed. "That's okay, everybody can see she's into you. It's a good thing you're into her too. Don't let me stop you." He looked at me, again. "Really?" "Yeah, who were we kidding anyway? I'm not your type." He nodded, while reaching out his hand to me. "Friends?" I shook it. "Friends."

I already knew Rose and Emmett had sex last night, she was all over him and Alice told me about it too during biology. I didn't really care. I mean, sure, it was a crappy thing to do when you were kind of seeing someone, but I had more physical contact with his brother last night than I had with Emmett these past weeks. Not sex obviously, but it still felt intimate and close.

I saw Edward looking at me in the cafeteria just now, but I didn't know how to react. Would he think I was this depressed girl he couldn't shake off? First I ask him for help, then I ask him to come sit with us and then I come to his room and break down. After listing all these things I felt pathetic. I asked way too much of him. He had been really nice yesterday, even though he first told me he didn't want to help me and he obviously didn't want to sit with us. Edward _did_ sit in the cafeteria today, normally he was outside. It was freezing so maybe that's why, but that didn't stop him before.

I walked back to our spot in the cafeteria, with Emmett next to me. It didn't feel weird at all. Like I said, we hadn't been that close anyway. I looked at Alice, she mouthed: "Are you okay?" I nodded and smiled. She winked at me. The rest of the break I could feel Edward watching me but it didn't feel… creepy. Like he was checking up on me, just like he did a few weeks ago when I'd come to school with those swollen eyes. I felt… _safe_. I really needed to tell Alice what happened yesterday, because I still hadn't. I was afraid she might feel betrayed because I couldn't cry with her around but I could with Edward. Apparently. I had the next hour off so I would get Alice to ditch science, so I could talk to her about it.

The bell rang and Alice already started to walk towards her class. "Alice?" She turned around, walking back to me. "Can I talk to you? Now? Unless you have an important class or anything like that." She looked at me, not knowing where I wanted to talk about. "Yeah, sure," she began to talk to Jasper, "Can you tell Mr Darwin I'm not feeling too well, honey?" "Will do," Jasper said, and kissed her lips before he walked to his class. I looked into the cafeteria for a good spot to talk, but there were students everywhere. "Get your coat, we're going to sit at the picknick table, I want to talk in private." Alice did what I told her to do and came to sit next to me at the picknick table. I couldn't help but think this is where Edward had spent so many breaks.

"What's up?" She asked me. "I didn't tell you the whole story about yesterday," I said, looking into her eyes. "You wanted to tell me now?" "Yeah, it's kind of… huge." She nodded, saying: "I'm all ears." "I said I only talked to Edward last night, but something more happened." "Oh my God, you kissed him, didn't you?! Tell me _everything_!" "Alice, shut up, that's _not_ what happened." Her wide, excited eyes turned to normal again. "When I came into his room, he sat on his bed. I didn't say a word and neither did he. He just got up and I walked towards him. I felt the need to be held and just break down. So I did." I looked to see what her reaction was. "You _cried_?" "A _lot_." "Wow…" She didn't say much for a few minutes, but then she asked me something again. "Did you tell him about your mom?" "No… I said I couldn't tell him and he said it was okay." "That's sweet…" She seemed to be swallowed by her thoughts. "He's a sweet guy, I just don't know how to act now. I mean, I know it's a one time thing and it's weird but I have to sit next to him three times a week." "You said you could be friends with him, right? Just try." Alice said simply. Yesterday it seemed simple as that. Not anymore. I felt embarrassed. "Don't tell anyone, please?" I asked her. "You know me, Bells, I wouldn't." "I know, just making sure." We were silent again and my feet began to feel really cold. I was convinced a toe would freeze off if we sat here for another minute. "Let's go inside," I said, while taking Alice's hand and leading her into school.

***

"Hello Dr. Cullen," I said, inviting him inside. "Hello Bella, you look good," he said, "relieved or something. Did something happen?" "No… no. Just a good day today, I guess," I said, trying not to look at him, he would know that I was lying. _Yes, Dr. Cullen I cried my eyes out yesterday, your son was with me and he made me feel safe. His arms were around me the whole time. But other than that nothing happened. Tell me, how are you? _That wasn't going to happen. "I wanted to talk to you about letting go, I want to help you in the process of doing that. Is that okay with you?" He said while taking his usual spot on the couch. I nodded. "First of all, you don't have to let go right now. You can take your time and just let me know how you are holding up. Okay?" I nodded again, "Yes."

"Letting go isn't easy. We don't want to let go. We want to continue the attachment which has given us such fulfillment. Which is in this case the relationship with your mother. We often want to continue the attachment even when it is no longer rational to want it. Even while we talk about this, it won't guarantee you to feel less hurt when your mother dies. Grief is also part of letting go. But I won't keep you occupied with that now, we'll deal with that when it's time. I want to ask you a question. Have you accepted that your mother is going to die soon?" I swallowed, stupid lump. "Half, I guess. Whenever I think about it I try to shake it off because I don't want to think about it. It hurts. But I gave her permission to go for euthanasia so it's pretty definite for me that she's going to die." Dr. Cullen nodded, while writing something down. "Type A and Type D personalities both involve an inability to let go. The type A person is pressured and driven, while the type D person is worried and anxious." "I am type D," I said, no doubt at all. "Yes," Dr. Cullen said, "It's good you can recognize yourself, Bella." "This week I want you to write it down, when you worry about things. I don't want to hear everything, you can keep boys and school stuff to yourself. Only when you worry about your mom. Can you do that for me?" I nodded. "When you've done that, I want you to spend the last day of the week writing solutions and tips for each worry. I know that's difficult, but let's see what you can come up with, okay?" "Yes, I'll try, Dr. Cullen." "Alright, that's it for tonight, Bella. I'm going to check up on your mother."

I was going to do this. I wanted to be able to let her go. I would still be crushed when her time came but if this made it even a tiny bit easier I would go for it. I got an old notebook out of one of my drawers and wrote '_Worries_' on the front page. I wrote my first worry down. '_Can't imagine a day without seeing my mother._' I was glad I had to think about solutions the last day of the week, so I wouldn't have to think about it now. '_Not knowing how to deal with Edward_,' was my second worry. '_Missing a mother around me._' This was hard.

Dr. Cullen came downstairs and saw me writing. He smiled. "You want to go for it, that's good Bella. I'll let myself out, see you soon." I smiled back at him, but I wasn't feeling it. I was confronting myself with too many worries now. As soon as I heard the door shut I began to cry again. At least I knew crying wasn't a Cullen thing, it was really an Edward thing. I could only cry around him and when I was alone. I wrote down another one. '_Not being able to cry at my mom's funeral._' I threw my pen against the wall. Why was it so freaking hard for me to cry? I mean, what was it that I could with Edward around? Why couldn't I when I was with Dr. Cullen or Alice? I couldn't even cry around my own mother, who was going to die soon! I felt hopeless and curled up like a ball on the couch again. Trying to block everything out.

I fell asleep after lying awake for over two hours.

***

I decided I had to go to school today. People would get suspicious if Bella Swan didn't go to school two days in one week. I mean I felt sick, like two days before, but I went to school anyway. It was Friday, last day of the week, I would survive. I had a few classes that were going to be dreadful, but two classes I liked. American History for instance. After that class we had our first break.

I walked to my usual seat, meeting Alice there. There wasn't anyone else yet. "Are you okay, Bells?" "Rough night," I answered. "Do you want to talk?" Alice asked me, I knew she was worried. "No, no, thanks, it's okay." "Hang in there, honey." I smiled at her while Rosalie and Emmett were coming our way. I said 'don't let me stop you' to Emmett and he certainly wasn't stopping anything. He had his hand on her butt and she was touching him constantly. Maybe I should've said 'let me stop you' because this kind of grossed me out. Jasper and Alice were classy, even though they had their moments too, but Rosalie and Emmett were just downright slutty. I got irritated by it after five minutes and decided to get some food. Another five minutes had passed when I came back with my chocolate chip cookies. Comfort food, everybody knew that. I looked around the cafeteria and saw Edward sitting next to the food tray again. He wasn't outside anymore. Maybe it was because of the cold. I sat there yesterday and it was really cold. I couldn't blame him. The bell rang. Back to class.

The next two classes went by slowly. My first teacher couldn't stop talking about her pet, she always did that. I knew all about little Bruno, the terrier that didn't like water, but did like cats. The next teacher smelled bad. She was a chain smoker and everybody throughout the entire class could smell that. I hated smoking, I hated the smell, I hated what it did to people. My mom used to smoke, that's one of the reasons why she got sick. That made me think about my worry-book again. I thought about the worries I'd written down. '_Missing a mother around me_', '_Can't imagine a day without seeing my mother._' I stopped thinking about it because that lump started showing and I had two more classes today, after lunch. The bell finally rang and I felt awful.

I dragged myself through the hallways and saw Edward coming out of his class. I didn't even think, I just ran to him. "Could you come with me, please," I pleaded. He looked at me concerned. He gazed into my eyes and he saw I needed him. I needed to cry. He then nodded, got his bag and I led him outside. The bell just rang, plus it was freezing so nobody was outside yet. I kept walking, not talking to him until we were behind the gym building. I dropped my bag and looked at him. I felt the tears coming up. He dropped his bag and stood there. I took two steps forward, looked down. Then I wrapped my arms around his waist and the first tear started to fall. He wrapped one arm around my shoulder, his cheek on my hair and he rubbed my back with his other hand. He didn't ask anything, I just cried. It was cold but the warmth of our bodies made it bearable. Not having any clue what time it was, the bell suddenly rang. He kept holding me. "We… need to go," I said, wiping the tears from my face. "Are you sure?" he said, still rubbing my back. I nodded. "Thank you, Edward." He looked at me and wiped the final tear from my cheek. We both got our bags and walked to school together. We didn't talk anymore, but I'd never felt so safe in my life.

**_Edward_**

She needed me. I didn't care in which freaky way, but she did. The way she looked at me while asking me to come with her was excruciating. It wasn't as bad as two days before, but it was still bad. We didn't have enough time, I could see she'd held a lot inside of her today. I was already fucking nervous for Monday. Would she be better? Would she not need me anymore? Would we talk about it? Would we avoid it? So many fucking things.

When I saw her during the first break today I recognized those eyes. Red and swollen. She'd been crying, hard. Probably alone. I wanted to fucking be there for her when she cried. Apparently she wanted me there too, otherwise she wouldn't have asked me today, right? I didn't even know what was going on, why she had to cry but it was okay. As long as she let me in, I was okay with that. When I was about to go home today, I walked to my Volvo and Alice got out of the car next to me. "I was about to drive away but saw you coming. Thank you, Edward. Just… thank you. For taking care of her. You're a good guy." So Alice knew. I just nodded. As long as Alice didn't fucking tell everyone I was okay with that.

I thought about lunch again. It was freezing, but the way we held each other made it warm. It made me think of Miami. Made me feel like… home. I felt at home with her. On the other hand, if I told myself this when I was in Miami I wondered who that sentimental bastard was. I didn't even fucking care anymore. She made me feel at home, she made me feel safe and I did the same for her. At least, that's what I hoped.

When I came home from school I went upstairs again. I got my guitar off of the wall and started playing 'The Streets of Laredo' and it went well. I thought I was ready for the next chapter: Stretching out: Barre chords. I didn't have a clue what so called barre chords were but I would figure them out. I started reading with playing major barre chords based on E. Man, this could get difficult. I tried to do what the book said but somehow it didn't work quite fucking right. Maybe today wasn't my day, I'd try again tomorrow. For now I just got my iPod and listened to Snow Patrol. I sang along in my head. _I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms._ It made me think of Bella so I put the song on repeat. I wanted to play this song on my guitar. Someday I fucking would.

***

I looked at my alarm clock. Half past six in the morning. Fuck. I'd fallen asleep yesterday right after school? Man, I must've been really fucking tired. I stopped the song my iPod had been playing all night. Two days of not seeing Bella, not knowing if she was okay or if she needed me to get it all out. This could be hell.

**

* * *

  
Comments are better than Edward relating to lyrics from Snow Patrol. **


	8. Sunday

**A/N  
**  
Thank you all for wanting to keep up with this! It's special to me.

* * *

Chapter 8: Sunday

**Edward**I was desperate to get some distraction. I had spent my Saturday playing the guitar. The barre chords were a piece of cake now. I could play 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' perfectly. It didn't matter that it was March. I was really sure now, I wanted to go to the academy of music when I was done with high school. Chapter 9 was all about making the guitar 'talk'. It sounded funny, even though it was not my cup of tea. I wanted to make some real noise. Anyway, that was what my Saturday had been all about. Until now, my Sunday was boring as fuck. Emmett was at Rosalie's of course, so I couldn't play the Playstation with him. Esme offered to play a game with me, but I didn't fucking want to with her. She would be sweet to the people of GTA instead of just shoving them out of the way with your car. No thank you.

I'd woken up at seven this morning and I'd been wide awake. Sunday was usually my bed-day but that didn't work in Forks. I didn't know what it was, but I couldn't seem to sleep long here. The stores were closed so I couldn't get groceries with Esme like I did when I was bored in Miami. I was even trying to listen to Carlisle fucking boring stories about his medical school. My mind couldn't help but drift off to Bella. How was she doing today? Did she cry? Was someone there for her? I wanted to be there for her. And at the same time, I knew I couldn't. Not today, at least.

Because I was so fucking desperate I decided to call Jasper. Emmett had left his phone at home so I got Jaspers number. "Hey Jasper, it's Edward," I said, feeling like a total fucking idiot. "Hey Edward, what's up man? Why are you calling?" "I'm bored as hell and I thought maybe…" God, I was such a fool, "you'd wanna hang out?" He was silent for a moment. "I thought you didn't like me, man. Glad to hear that you do. I'm with Alice right now and she's going to Bella this afternoon. So you can stop by in about an hour?" I felt something tingling in my stomach when he said her name. Fucking douche bag, I said to myself. "Yeah that's cool. Where do you live?" He gave me his address and I knew where that was, since there were only 3120 people in Forks.

I got out of my pajamas and went to the bathroom to fix my hair. Then it all sunk in what I'd just done. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was Edward Cullen, I knew how to get by when I was alone. Why did I need all the fucking distraction right now? I didn't even know Jasper, just that he was Bella's cousin, Emmett's best friend and Alice's boyfriend. Oh God, what did I get myself into? I was such an idiot. Being in love didn't really help my brain.

I got the keys to my Volvo and told Carlisle I was going to see a friend today. When he heard that he turned around. "You're going to see a _friend_?" "Yeah… Is that weird?" "No, no. It's just that I thought you didn't make any friends here yet. But I'm glad to hear you did, son," he said while going through my hair, which I didn't fucking like, "just be in time for dinner tonight." I smoothed my hair and said: "What time do we eat?" "Around six o'clock. Who were you going to see again?" "Jasper. He lives not too far from here." Of course he didn't, Forks was too fucking small for someone to live far away. "Okay, son. Have fun." And he got back to his work.

Of course it was fucking pouring outside. I rushed to the car and got inside as fast as I could. I drove to Jasper's house and saw that Alice's car was still parked there. Guess she didn't go to Bella just yet. Whatever, Alice was a nice person. I knocked on the front door and saw Jasper coming to greet me. "Hey man, glad you're finally willing to meet some people." I just nodded, feeling embarrassed. "Come inside, dude," he said, while getting wet from the rain. I stepped inside. "Alice is still here, Bella came too." What? No. _Fuck!_ "Bella…?" "Yeah, Bella, you know her right? She's Alice's best friend and Alice didn't want to leave me so she just got Bella to my house." I was not fucking prepared for this. I imagined a weekend free of Bella. Suddenly I got all fucking nervous. We were always alone, just the two of us, when we talked or when she… cried. I felt this was going to be weird. I should've never asked Jasper to hang out. I'm such a motherfucker.

"Guys, Edward's here!" Jasper said, while I took my first step into the living room. I saw Bella stiffen. Guess she wasn't prepared either. I wanted to avoid her look and she seemed to do the same. Alice looked at Bella, while whispering something in her ear. She shook her head. At that point she lifted her head and looked in my direction. I quickly looked away. "You want something to drink, man?" "No, thanks. I'm fine," I said, I wanted to get out of here as soon as I could. I could come up with an excuse, right? That wasn't so hard. "Why not?" Jasper asked. "I'm not staying very long… I think," I said while looking to the floor. It was shiny. Jasper didn't respond.

All four of us were left in an uncomfortable silence. Then Bella spoke. To me. "I got a C for my resit," she said, smiling a little while looking at me. All the tenseness in my body disappeared. "Really? That's awesome! How did you do that?" "I studied at home and Alice helped me a little. I guess it's just luck, I still stink at math." "At least you're making progress. Do you get the subject we're studying now?" I asked, eager to make conversation with her. "A little… A tiny little bit." I smiled. "Let me know when you need help." She smiled back at me, "I'll let you know." Then I looked around me and saw Jasper and Alice looking at us. Fuck, why were they looking like that? I bet Bella saw it too. Alice snapped out of it and asked Bella if she'd want to help to get something to drink. Bella looked a little startled but said yes. I was sure Alice was going to ask her what the deal was with that freaky Cullen guy drooling all over her best friend. And she was fucking right.

While they went to the kitchen, Jasper started talking. "You know Bella well?" "Not… really. She's my neighbor during my math classes. That's all." "You two seem to get along." "Yeah, she's cool." And she's also beautiful, sweet, loving, caring and a train wreck but I fucking love her anyway. I didn't need to say that out loud. Too much information. "According to Alice she's been dealing with some issues lately, you know anything about that?" Jasper asked me. I was _not_ going to discuss this with him. "Never heard of that," was my simple answer. And actually I was telling the truth. I didn't know anything about her issues, I was only her shoulder to cry on.

Alice and Bella walked into the kitchen with three ice tea's. "Are you sure you don't want anything, Edward?" Alice asked. I hesitated. "An ice tea would be nice." She smiled, "I'll get it for you." "Where's Emmett?" Bella asked, while taking a seat on the couch. "With Rosalie, I guess." She nodded. She was still hung up on Emmett. She would never see anything in me. "They make a good couple, they are both very…" she didn't finish her sentence. "Sexual? Vain? Slutty?" I decided to finish the sentence for her. She laughed. "Exactly." Alice came back with my ice tea. "No bad talking about my sister, guys! It's just the hormones taking control of her." She was clearly joking. "Emmett's hormones are off the roof. Together they're like sex on a stick." Everyone laughed. I wasn't in such a hurry to get the fuck out of here anymore.

"What kind of music are you into, Edward?" Bella asked me. She loved music, just like me. "Story of the Year, Linkin Park, Travis, This Providence, that kind of stuff," I answered while taking a sip from my drink. "That's cool. I love those bands too. Do you know Blue October?" I snorted. "Of course I do, one of my favorite bands." "I saw them live once, in New York. They're _really_ good." I got jealous. "What? You saw them live?! I've always wanted to see them live sometime!" She laughed. "Next time I'll take you with me," she said, joking, but still it made me feel fucking good.

"Oh!" she then said, as if she remembered something, "how's the guitar doing?" She smiled. Big. I smiled back, pretty fucking big too. "It's going great actually. I got this book, and I know it sounds really corny but it helps me learn to play the guitar." She interrupted me with her question. "What's the book called?" I felt embarrassed, again. "Guitar for dummies." She smiled. "Those books _do_ work, so I won't hold it against you." "Very kind of you," I answered playfully. "You're very welcome," she said, laughing. I felt so at ease around her, it was fucking crazy. "Can you play chords already?" "Yeah, I can even play barre chords. 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas" is my latest achievement." "That's actually a pretty difficult song for beginners. Can you show me sometime?" she asked, with those deep eyes looking into mine. "Sure," I said, not really knowing if I was sure but I would find out. "You can stop by at work sometime. I only work on Mondays so you can show me then. You could also look at electric guitars for when you're getting sick of your acoustic one." "That sounds great," it really fucking did, "maybe I'll stop by tomorrow or next week." "Deal," she said.

Then I noticed how an hour had passed by and Alice and Jasper hadn't said a word. They were stunned. Or any other expression that looked like that. Only Bella and I had been rambling on and on. Bella seemed to notice too. "Jasper, how's that assignment going for American History?" Bella asked, to break the tension I guess. "It's… going pretty well," Jasper answered, still a little startled. "I'm almost finished with it, just three more pages to go." "Nice," Bella answered, nodding.

Everyone chatted with each other for another hour and time had passed so fast I didn't even notice it was six o'clock already. "Shit, I need to get home!" I said, whipping up from my chair. "Esme's going apeshit when I'm not in time for dinner." They all laughed, even though it was the truth. "It was nice getting to know you a little better, man," Jasper said, while getting off the couch to guide me to my car, "we should do this more often." I was eager to do this more often, when Bella was involved. "Definitely," I answered. "I'll see you guys at school tomorrow," I said, while waving at Bella and Alice. "Bye, Edward!" they both said. I gave Bella an extra smile and left the house just then. "See you tomorrow, dude." I raced away.

**Bella**

As soon as Edward was out of the door, Alice spoke to me. "I'm having dinner at your place tonight. We need to talk." I didn't know what we were supposed to talk about but I agreed: "Okay…" She looked at me suspicious. Then Jasper came in and she acted normal again. She was probably being her silly self. "Jazz, Bella and I are going to take off too." "I thought you guys were going to stay for dinner?" Jasper said, a little disappointed. "Yeah that was the plan but I really need to kick Emmett out of my bed," Alice said, while walking towards Jasper. He smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow then, sweetie," he said, leaning in to kiss her. She was happy to answer his kiss. It lasted a little longer than necessary so I cleared my throat. They stopped. "Sorry," Alice said, looking a little red. "Let's go!" Almost stumbling out the door I yelled at Jasper: "Thanks for everything, see you tomorrow!" I guess he didn't hear me because Alice pushed me into her car so fast.

I was waiting for her to drive away, but she looked at me suspicious again. "Are you going to look at me like that for the rest of the night?" I said, a little irritated. What has gotten into her? "You like Edward Cullen." I looked at her, stunned. My eyes were asking her to explain. "You, Bella Swan, like Edward Cullen." "I do _not_ like him that way! He's just nice to me, we get along, we have the same interests, he helps me and he comforts me." Alice looked at me and was silent. Only for a moment. "You _so_ like Edward Cullen." Then she drove away.

"If you're going to want to eat something you should be nicer to me," I said, annoyed with Alice. "I _don't_ like him that way, Alice." "Whatever you say, Bells." She kept saying that, with a smirk on her face. Ugh! I shoved a plate full of macaroni and cheese in front of her. "Thanks." I didn't respond. We ate in silence but Alice kept that smirk on her face that irritated me to death. When my stomach was full and my plate empty, I said: "I'm going to give mom her meds, can you put everything in the dishwasher?" "Sure."

I got a glass of water and went upstairs. "Hey mom," I said, smiling at her. She could only take up to three minutes watching tv. I shut the tv off. "How are you feeling?" "I've been better," she said slowly. I nodded. "It's time for your medication. I got you a glass of water already." I opened the top drawer and got out all the little bottles and strips with pills. I helped her to sit up straight, so she could swallow them more easily. She held my hand the whole time while taking the pills. I think it took half an hour before they were all gone. But that didn't matter, I had the time. I looked at the clock. It was a little over seven. "Dr. Cullen will be here in an hour, okay? You can go get some sleep now. You did great." I kissed her forehead and tried to get her in the same position that she was before.

When I came downstairs Alice still looked at me with those suspicious eyes and I really couldn't stand it right now. "Dr. Cullen is coming over in a hour and I want to clean the place up a little before he shows. So unless you want to help, you better go now." I knew Alice hated to clean. "I'm already gone! See you tomorrow and thanks for dinner, hon." She hugged me and left. I heard the roar of the engine and I knew she was gone.

I started to vacuum the whole place and took a shower after that. I was all fresh and the house was clean when I saw Dr. Cullen. "Hello, Bella," the usual greeting from him. "Hey, Dr. Cullen." "I'll say it one last time, you can call me Carlisle." I shook my head. "I still prefer Dr. Cullen. I mean… You're a doctor." He laughed. "You've got a point." He took a seat on the couch and said: "Let's talk about you first. How are your worries going?" I took a seat next to him. "It's okay. I wrote a few down and those are the ones that keep coming back to me. I only have a few worries, but they're really big." "Do you want to show them to me already or do you want to wait until you found solutions?" "I don't think I can find solutions for these myself, Dr. Cullen," I said, being really honest. "Let's see it then."  
I went to my room and got the notebook. I sighed, got downstairs and handed it to Dr. Cullen. He opened it and looked confused, but then put on his professional mask again. I wondered why he'd looked so confused. "Okay, Bella," he began to read the worry out loud, "_Can't imagine a day without my mother._" I nodded. "Do you have any solutions for that?" "I'm blank," I said. "You can't imagine a day without your mother. Are you afraid you're going to forget her?" I shook my head. "Not… forget, I guess. I'm scared I won't be able to remember her right and I won't be able to ask her things about herself anymore." He nodded. "What I have seen a lot of clients do, is make a scrapbook with pictures and quotes from their beloved ones, when they could die soon. Do you think that's a good idea for you?" I thought about it for a second. "I'm clumsy, so it probably won't be very pretty but I do like the idea." "While you make it, you can ask your mother if you're doing it right and maybe she could give you some suggestions too." I really liked this idea. "You can see her everyday then, too. I know it's very, _very_ different from seeing her in person, but it's something, Bella." I nodded. "I know, thank you, Dr. Cullen." "Do you want to look at more worries or is one enough for tonight?" "I can handle one more," I said.

He looked into my notebook again, got that certain look on his face and then read the next worry. "_Missing a mother around me_," he said, while looking at me. "Yes," was my simple answer. "Just to make it clear one more time, Bella, I asked you to write worries down so you can try to deal with them, I'm not making guarantees for anything to happen or not happen. For example, this worry can't really be solved," he said, smiling halfheartedly. I nodded, I knew that. "But we can try to make it easier for you. Just like the last 'solution' we got for your worry. You know that, right Bella?" "Yes, Dr. Cullen, don't worry," I said, smiling back at him. "Alright, I just wanted to check. Let's try to make this one easier too. When you miss her, you can look at your scrapbook that will be beautiful. Do you have anyone else in your life that you feel absolutely safe with?" Edward. "Yes, my best friend and my cousin." "I know they are not anything like a mother, but at least you got that safe feeling with them too." I nodded. "Make sure you don't try to compare them with your mother, because that will hurt you and that will hurt them. Look at what you have, not at what you don't have. Even though that will be very hard for you." All I did was nod at his story. "It's okay to miss her when she's gone. That's part of the grieve and it's normal. Don't be ashamed of it." The lump started showing again. "I think that's enough for today, Bella. I'm going to check on your mother." He got up, walked towards the stairs and then turned around again. "You're doing a great job, Bella. I'm very proud of you." The lump was huge right now. "Thanks, Dr. Cullen." He gave me a nod and went upstairs.

I needed to cry but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to see Edward, I wanted him to hold me so I wouldn't feel so alone. I decided to call Alice. "Hey Bells, is Dr. Cullen gone already?" "No, he's upstairs checking up on mom. Can you get Edward's number through Jasper or something?" She was silent. "You really like him, don't you?" I grew a little angry, she was getting on my nerves today. "No, Alice, I'm about to break down and I don't want to be alone. You know I can't cry with anyone else around." She was silent, again. "I'm sorry, Bella… I'll call you right back when I have his number." I snapped the phone shut and waited for her to call again. Not much later the phone rang. "It's 360 893 2689. I'm really sorry, Bella, I was acting stupid. I hope you feel better soon." Now _I_ felt sorry, for _her_. "That's okay, Alice, you couldn't know. I'll talk to you soon." I pressed the red phone button.

I decided that when Dr. Cullen was gone I would call him. I waited five more minutes and heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "I'll see you soon, Bella. Work on that scrapbook," he said friendly. "Thanks Dr. Cullen, see you." As soon as I heard the door shut, I dialed Edward's number. "Hello?" I heard his voice. "Hey Edward… It's Bella." He was silent. "I got your number from Jasper." "Okay." We were both silent. "Why are you calling, are you okay?" I started crying already. "No… I wanted to ask you to come over. If you don't want to that's okay but I just…" "I'll come right away, don't cry until I'm there. What's your address?" I tried to speak coherently through the tears. "Cook road, number 6." "I'll be there soon, hold on."

I crawled onto the couch and laid there, waiting for him to save me. About three minutes later I heard a car door shut and someone knocking on my door. I opened it and looked right into his eyes. "Oh, Bella…" he said, while taking a step inside and he already had one arm around me. I clung to him, while he guided me to the couch even though he'd never been here before. He sat down and I sat next to him, my head on his shoulder, my arms around his waist. He laid his head on my head like he always did and rubbed my back. I cried, but it wasn't as bad as the first time when he was there to comfort me. After a while my tears stopped streaming down my face and he asked if I was okay. I nodded. "I'm sorry I'm so… weird." He laughed. "You're not fucking weird, Bella." I tightened my arms around his waist. "You can go home, if you want to." "Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go home?" he asked me then. I looked up, to see his eyes. "Stay…" I turned red, I could feel it. "Then I'll stay," he said determined. "But tomorrow's a school day, Edward, you have to get some sleep." He hesitated. "I can sleep here." Wow. "Really?" "If you want me to, otherwise I can go home." "No, yeah, you can sleep here." I was glad I could have his arms around me for a while. It just felt so safe. It also felt like I was using him. I mean, this image would bring a lot of thoughts to people's minds. We were all tangled up, he was rubbing my back and twirling my hair around his fingers. But we weren't in love. We were just friends. He was there for me, that was it. I knew people from outside wouldn't get this. But we did, that was all that mattered.

After an hour or so, I got us something to drink. When I came back from the kitchen he laid on the couch. I wanted to be near him, to feel warm and safe. So I just spread his legs and laid down between them, my head resting on his chest. The rhythm of his heart made me feel tired. The soothing fingers he traced down my back, were making me exhausted.

Before I knew it, I fell asleep in his warm hold.

* * *

**Comments are better than falling asleep listening to Edward's heartbeat. **


	9. Songs at night

**A/N**

Prepare for some guitar time, Bella sticking up for her man... You can read the rest.

Thanks for reading this you all! I love it.

* * *

Chapter 9: Songs at night

**Edward**

I hadn't even noticed it when she said her address. There didn't ring a fucking bell in my messed up head. I didn't even fucking think. I just drove 'til I got there. That's when I recognized the house. The pretty white house in between the green trees. The mother and daughter that lived there, according to Carlisle, the mother slowly dying. I'd frozen in place while the pieces fell together in my fucking head, meanwhile Bella opened the door. That made me snap out of it. I knew what was going on, I would soothe her and maybe make things a little fucking easier for her.

"Oh, Bella…" I had blurted out. I was fucking drawn to her. I automatically stepped inside the house and put my arm around her. She hugged me back and we didn't separate from then on. Except for when she got us something to drink, which we actually never drank because she fell asleep on top of me and I was afraid to fucking move because it would wake her up. She wanted me to be here and she wanted my arms around her. That was all that mattered to me.

I couldn't sleep as fast as Bella could. First, my phone fucking vibrated in my pocket. Bella was everywhere so she was vibrating too. I struggled to get the fucking thing out of my pocket and not wake her up. It was Esme calling me where I was. I should've known. I told her I was at Jasper's and that I would sleep there. She was glad I was making friends. I was glad too. Then, my mind started spinning. I took it all in. Bella's mother was dying, which was probably the reason why she needed me. Would I tell her that I knew about it or was I going to keep my fucking mouth shut? Bella hadn't told me, I found out myself. Which probably meant she didn't _want_ to tell me about it. Would I tell Bella that I was insanely in love with her? Would she still call for me and lay like this if I told her that? Did I have to be strong enough to fucking leave before getting hurt? I sounded like a total douche bag right now, but since I moved here Bella was the only one who had moved me. She moves me. I wasn't fucking used to that. I wasn't used to being vulnerable. Especially not around a _girl_. I wasn't used to wanting to spend the entire day with a human being besides myself. I wasn't used to this shit and it was fucking scaring me. I knew I had to tell Bella someday, but how long can I wait? If I wait long enough, she'll find out herself. Just like I knew about her secret now. Somewhere around that point, my eyelids grew heavy and I fell asleep.

***

I woke up. Cold. No Bella on top of me. Where had she gone? I looked to my right and saw her at the table, eating a sandwich and drinking milk. She probably felt I was watching her because she turned her head to me. "Oh hey, did you sleep well? I'm sorry I fell asleep so fast, if I'd known I was on top of you I would've moved." I shook my head. "That's okay." She nodded. "Can I make you something? A sandwich?" I wanted to get up and answer her, but then I felt the morning growing in my pants. Bella reminding me she slept on top of me yesterday didn't help either. I just answered her, still laying on the couch. "Eh…I think I'll eat at school." "Your call," she said, walking to the kitchen and putting her dishes in the dishwasher.

I looked at the clock. It was eight o'clock. My classes would start in half an hour. I wanted to pick up my books on the way to school and fix my hair. "You want a ride to school?" I asked her, closing my eyes because that worrying hadn't been good for my sleep. "Jazz and Alice are already picking me up, sorry," she said a little shy. It stung a little, I wanted to drive her to fucking school, so people would see that we…_ liked _each other. Or that _I_ liked _her_, whatever. My little friend in my pants had finally disappeared and I got my car keys. At that same moment someone honked outside. "That must be Alice. I'll… see you, thanks again Edward." She smiled a little and got out off the house, yelling: "You can just close the door, it locks itself!" I didn't even have time to respond.

I wanted to use the bathroom to wash my face, but I was fucking scared to go upstairs. Afraid to see her mother, barely alive. It felt creepy to be in this house without Bella. I got my coat and rushed out the door. The lights of the Volvo winked one time when I pressed the 'unlock' button. I got in and drove home. Emmett was still asleep, his classes didn't start until later today. Esme was cleaning the kitchen and Carlisle was probably at work. "Did you have a good time, sweetheart?" Esme asked me, while I already got my books. "Yes, it was fun. I'll see you tonight mom!" I pressed a kiss on her cheek and drove my Volvo to school.

It was Monday today. That meant math. That meant a little Bella time. During the first break I decided I was going to sit outside again. The sun was out just a little bit and I wanted to take all the warmth I could get. I forgot to pack my guitar for dummies book in the rush this morning. Fuck. I only had my iPod to keep me company now. I was getting a little bored after five minutes. I loved music, but I couldn't concentrate with these fucking people outside. I wanted to do something. I looked into my bag, finding an unwritten notebook. I started to draw, something I never really fucking did. I didn't really have an image in mind, of what I wanted to draw, but the music led the pencil. I was listening to She's My Ride Home, by Blue October. One line kept creeping back into my head… _Sleep, my lap will be a pillow_. When the bell rang I saw what I had drawn. Two people without faces, one of them sleeping on top of the other. Man, Bella was fucking with my mental health. I crushed the paper into a ball, threw it in my bag.

I had math now, so I prepared myself for some Bella time. I sat in my usual seat, in the back of the class. Bella came in not much later. "Hey," she said, smiling again. I couldn't help but smile back at her. "Hey," I said sheepishly. Then I remembered her mother again and I felt sorry. But she didn't know that I knew about it, so I couldn't say anything. Fuck, this was going to kill me. We didn't talk much more. She asked me one or two questions about the stuff we had to make, but that was it. Nothing about last night, nothing about breaking down, nothing about her mother. Everything we had was one big secret. Well, Alice probably knew too. But that was it. It was hard for me not to fucking shout at her that I would be there through it all and that she didn't need to worry. It was also very hard for me not to whisper that I loved her. So I went for the easy road and just shut it.

The class ended way too soon and she said bye to me. "Bye, Bella," I said back to her, ready to punch myself because I was almost drooling over her. _Get it together, dickhead._ The rest of the day wasn't that interesting. I was glad when the final bell rang and I got to go home and read my book so I could show Bella 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' tonight.

I got my guitar and wanted to see if I could play the song without having to look at the book. And I fucking could. Man, I loved this feeling of actually playing a real song all by myself. It didn't matter that it was a stupid fucking Christmas song. I played the song another five times before I was sure I wouldn't screw up in front of Bella. I wondered if she thought I would stop by at her work tonight. She was the one that suggested it yesterday, but so many things fucking happened since then. I was about to find out.

**Bella**

"So, let me get this straight. You slept on _top_ of him the whole night and he didn't try to kiss you?" Alice asked, stunned, while she drove me home. "I'm telling you, we're just friends. He's the sweetest guy, he's like a brother to me." "Are you sure _he_ feels the same?" "Come on, Alice, if he had a thing for me he would've made his moves. Especially last night." "You've got a point." I nodded, looking straight at the road disappearing underneath the car. Then she spoke again. "Did you tell him about Renee?" My mind snapped into focus when I heard her name. "No, I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I know he'll be understanding but I don't know if I want to go through with… this." We arrived at my house, I was about to unfasten my seatbelt but Alice grabbed my arm. "What _'this'_?"

I let my weight fall back into the passenger seat. "I feel like I'm using him. I only reach out to him when I'm about to have a breakdown." "Bella, are you blind?!" Alice threw her hands in the air. "Were you not there yesterday at Jasper's place? You two were talking to each other _all_ the time. You two have a lot in common. Your stupid bands, the guitar thing. You're not _using _him, Bella. It's just weird for you because you can cry when he's around, but other than that you two get along just fine. So get that idea out of your head and be friends with him." I was flabbergasted. "That sounded… _wise_." She shrugged. "I have my moments." "You sure do," I said, while getting out of the car for real now. "Are you going to pick me up tomorrow again?" I asked after that. "Yeah, we'll drive with Jasper's car tomorrow. See you, Bells!" And she took off.

I only had an hour to do all the things I needed to do. Check up on my mom, give her the medication, shower, have dinner and drive to Port Angeles to work. Gosh, this was going to be stressful. I ate the leftovers from yesterday as fast as I could, took a really quick shower so I had a little more time to spend with mom. With my wet hair sticking to my face, I walked into her room. "Hey mom, it's time for you medication again." She nodded weakly and the daily routine began. Pill in her mouth, a gulp of water, swallow. That countless times. I was sick of only talking to my mom when it was about her disease or her meds. I decided I should tell her about Edward. "There's this new guy, he's actually Dr. Cullen his son, and he's really nice to me." She opened her eyes. She spoke, slowly: "Do you like him, Bella Swan?" I smiled, she thought I was into him. "No, mom. Well, not in that way, he's a sweet guy. He helps me with my math homework and he makes me feel better when I don't feel too good." She nodded, her eyes closed again. "Seems like he is a keeper then." I smiled. "He is." I knew she was exhausted now, so I got off her bed and went to fish my _Thumpers_ shirt out of the laundry.

My hair was still wet but I didn't have time to dry it anymore, so I just pulled it back into a ponytail. With my _Thumpers_ shirt on, I drove to Port Angeles. I was singing along to Muse's Time Is Running Out, with all I had in me. Sometimes a girl just needs one of those moments. I felt pretty good while I got out of the car when I parked it next to the store. "Hey mr. Newton! Is Mike in the storeroom?" "I think he is," he said. Mr. Newton wasn't a man of much words. "I'll go see him then, thanks mr. Newton!" "Yeah," he replied.

I caught Mike playing the piano in the storeroom, a Schimmel piano that had just been delivered. He didn't notice me coming in, so I waited and I applauded when he was done. I startled him and it looked funny. "That was beautiful, no need to get all scared there." He smiled, "Thanks Bells. I'll work here tonight and you can go work in the store?" "Sounds good." "Do you want to go drink something afterwards?" I knew he was with Jessica, so it would be cool. "Sure." "Okay, good luck!" "You too, Mike." I said, closing the door of the storage room behind me.

I had one customer that needed new strings for his violin and another one that bought a trumpet. It was a fairly good night for us. It was a quarter to eight when someone came into the store. "Edward! Hey!" I said, happy to see him for some reason. I didn't give him a chance to talk. "You brought your guitar! Oh yeah, that's right, you would come play 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' for me." He smiled. "That was the plan." "Hold on, I'll get you a stool." I got the stool from behind the counter and placed it right before him. "I'm all ears." I hopped on to the counter, hoping Mr. Newton wouldn't come in anytime soon because I would get yelled at. He was a man of many words then.

Edward got the guitar out of his guitar case and sat on the stool. "Alright, here we go." He played the song without making any mistake. When he was done, I applauded for the second time that night. "You're good, Edward, seriously! I told you, you have potential. Can you play something else?" I saw he wasn't prepared for that. "I don't know…" "Did your dummies book teach you anything else?" I said, joking. He flashed a smile. "There's this song called 'The Streets of Laredo.' I think I remember that one quite well." "Let's see," I said, placing another stool in front of him so I wouldn't look down upon him. I sat down. He began to play again. I could tell he had been practicing 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' and that this song was out of the blue, but still he was really good. "That went well, right?" I asked. "I can do better," he sat back, a little frustrated. "You didn't practice this one, so it went well." "Yeah…" "Edward, come on! You're doing great, I'm telling you. Just believe me, okay?" He smiled. "I believe you." He looked at the clock and sighed, "It's eight o'clock, I guess you have to close the store?" "Kind of, yeah," I said glancing at the clock too. "Can I give you a ride home or something?" He asked then. I giggled. "No, this is Port Angeles remember? I didn't come here cycling." "Right," he said, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts, "that was dumb." "That's okay, rough night huh?" He smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow then, bye Bella." "Thanks for showing me your skills, Edward. See you!" He waved one last time and left the store.

I locked the door and went to the storage room. "Did you just play 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'?" Mike asked me. "No, that was Edward Cullen, I asked him to show me what he could play on his guitar. So, he did." Mike laughed loudly. "_That's_ all he can do? That's so pathetic!" I grew angry with him. "He just started, Mike. It's not like he's been playing the guitar his entire life. You began playing the piano a few years ago, you were proud too when you could play that kind of songs. Cut him some slack!" He looked surprised to see me like this. That's right, Mike, Bella can be mad too. "Oh and I'm not thirsty anymore so I'm going to drive home now. Goodnight, Mike." I turned around, headed for the door, when he grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry, Bella, that was stupid." I sighed. "Think before you talk. I'll see you at school." He let me go and I got out of the store, into my car.

I had no idea why I'd grown so mad with him, but I felt like standing up for Edward. He just began playing the guitar and he's been doing a really great job. No need for Mike to tear him down like that. And I was actually a little proud of myself, for standing up. I didn't do that often, I was kind of shy. Well, not kind of. I was really shy unless I was with people that I trusted. I knew Mike for a while now, he was my colleague and he had a crush on me for over a year. He was with Jessica now and they fit perfectly.

I drove home, didn't sing along to the radio and grew tired. Even though Edward's body had been very comfortable, I felt like I could use some sleep. While I parked the car in front of the house, I saw Dr. Cullen's car driving towards our house too. I waited 'til he parked his car. "Hey Dr. Cullen," I said, waving at him. "Hello, Bella. I thought I'd come a little bit later today because you had to work." "Very clever," I said, we both got inside the house. "Should I get my Worries?" I asked him, when he sat down on the couch. "Whatever you want, Bella." I nodded and got upstairs to get the notebook. I looked inside, to check which worries we treated. Then it all made sense. Dr. Cullen's weird look while looking at my worries. Twice. _'Not knowing how to deal with Edward.' _The worry was solved, we were friends, he soothed me and we both loved music. But that didn't mean Dr. Cullen must think I'm a freak. I already asked why Edward didn't have any friends, now I was supposedly 'not knowing how to deal with him.' As if he was a freak show or something. I rushed downstairs, to explain.

"Dr. Cullen, what you read about Edward… It's fine. You know, we're friends, he helps me with math, we both love music and everything…" Dr. Cullen stopped me. "Bella, that's okay. I know you're having more issues than just your mother. My son just happens to be one of them. I'm not offended." "No, no, you don't get it. Edward isn't an issue. He's great to me, really. I just had to get to know him a little better before I knew him." Dr. Cullen smiled. "I heard that before. I'm glad you two get along. Even if you didn't, that would be fine too of course." I nodded. "We do, though, I'm not lying." "I believe you, Bella." I felt a little relieved. How could I have been so stupid to show him this?

"Did you work on your scrapbook?" "Not really," I answered honestly, "I didn't really have the time to do so, but as soon as I have some spare time I will." "Do you have any more worries, that you want to talk to me about?" Dr. Cullen asked. "Yeah, eh, there's this one," I pointed to my handwriting in the notebook. Dr. Cullen read aloud: "_'Not being able to cry at my mom's funeral.'_" He looked at me, compassionately. "You can't cry at all, Bella?" "No, I can, when I'm alone or with… one person." He looked right through me. "One certain person, or when one person is around?" I sighed, I started to fumble with my sleeves. "One certain person." I was glad he didn't ask who it was. "You must feel very safe with that person," he said. "I do, but he's not my best friend and I don't get why I can cry in front of him but I can't in front of Alice, who _is_ my best friend. I don't get why I can't cry when you're talking to me, or when I'm talking to my mother." He nodded. "Maybe it's because you've been raised to be a strong woman. You have known Alice and your mother for a long time, haven't you? Didn't they tell you to be strong?" I let my sleeves go and looked at him. "Yeah." "Maybe it is because you don't know any better than not to cry with them around." I thought about that. "I can't cry with you around either, I haven't known you that long and you never told me to be strong." "You don't feel as safe with me as you are with your mother and your best friend. You talk to me, because you need to get it out, other than that you and I are not close." I nodded. "I'd like to cry around anyone else for a change though." "Not many people would say that," Dr. Cullen said, a smile on his face. "Is this person that you _can _cry with, new in your life?" "Yes." "You said it's a him. Do you know him well?" "I feel like I do, but I don't know for sure," was my answer. "He's kind of mysterious." Dr. Cullen frowned. "Maybe that is why you want to get to know him and why you want to show yourself, Bella." I looked at him, frowning too. "Maybe."

We were silent, a cue for him that I was done with my rambling for today and he could check up on my mother. "Let me see the scrapbook once you start working on it. I'll go check on your mother now." "I will." I would buy a photo album tomorrow and go search through all the drawers for pictures when I was little. I would ask mom too, if she was strong enough to remember clearly. Maybe I could ask Alice to help me make it, so I would be letting her in during my 'acceptance' phase, as Dr. Cullen liked to call it.

I looked at the clock. It was half past nine, and I was tired, but now I had this idea of the scrapbook in my head. I knew I wasn't going to sleep until I at least had _one_ picture I wanted to be in it. I didn't want to ruin the photo books we already had, so I sought loose pictures floating around in drawers and closets. I found a few pictures that were good enough for the scrapbook, but I wanted to start with a picture of me and my mom when I was still a little girl. I hadn't found that one yet.

I was about to give up, when I noticed I overlooked one drawer. I searched through it and found a tiny picture. My mom was young woman in this picture, holding a baby in her arms. I smiled at the picture. I was cute. It was so weird how my life began and now my mom's life is ending. I was proud of myself for thinking that. Especially the last part. I placed the picture in a frame for now, I would take it out again when I bought the photo album.

Now that my mission was succeeded, I was ready to go to bed. I got in my pajamas and hopped in bed. One single tear left my eye, but the thought of Edward comforting me was enough for now.

* * *

**Comments are better than Edward serenading Bella.**


	10. Memory swing

**A/N**

Thanks for all your support everyone! I love the feedback you give me.

I'd also like to know if you prefer reading this story in the paragraphes like I've been doing, or if I should seperate the dialogues instead of putting them one paragraph? Let me know! Also let me know what you thought of this chapter!

* * *

Chapter 10: Memory swing  
**  
Edward**

It had been three fucking weeks since Bella called me to comfort her. She hadn't needed me since. We talked in our math class, we talked when I was at Jasper's and she was too (happened only twice, but hey it was fucking something), I came by at the store now every Monday night, so I could show her my progress. I was now discovering chapter 10: Rock. I read every word with accuracy. Three times. This was my favorite chapter and I was going to learn how to play rock. Hell yes. I loved 'Slash' chords.

I noticed I forgot my book to read during breaks at school a lot more than usual. Which meant a lot more drawings than usual. Sometimes I would only draw her face, sometimes her face and my face. Sometimes two people holding hands without faces. Sometimes two people kissing. Every time I finished one I crushed them into a ball and they all lingered on the bottom of my bag. Where they were staying.

It was near the end of April, we lived here for almost two months. I felt like I'd lived here all my fucking life. The rain, the cold, the people. I was so used to it now.

I didn't get used to Bella though. That was a whole other thing.

It fucking bothered me that she didn't call me anymore. I would give the world for another night sleeping with her. And I mean literally sleeping. The other 'sleeping' wouldn't be too bad either, but that was way out of reach. Plus, I would be happy with just a fucking kiss too. I wanted to know how her lips felt on mine, how soft her tongue was and how she would pull my hair during it. That image alone, made me hard. I felt fucking guilty for thinking that way about her. Of course I thought about her in other ways too. How her pretty smile could brighten my mood, how she kept asking the same questions over and over again during math, how she explained her love for music, how she watched me playing my guitar. I fucking loved _all_ of it.

I still hadn't told her how I felt, I knew she didn't feel the same. I still hadn't told her I knew about her mom. It fucking hurt me to see her coming to school some days with red eyes, knowing she cried and didn't call me. I didn't do anything wrong right? I mean, the last time she slept on top of me and I didn't even try shit. I should get a medal for that. I wasn't even thinking of doing something while being with her, but afterwards I thought that would've been the perfect moment to tell her. Or not. Whatever. I hadn't told her anyway.

It was Friday afternoon, school was already over. That meant weekend. Normally I would be happy with that, but I wouldn't be seeing Bella for two fucking long days. I hoped maybe Jasper would call to hang out and Bella would be there. Just to talk to her, just to see her. I was too much of a fucking coward to ask her to hang out myself.

The door of my bedroom slammed against the wall. "Edward! Esme and Carlisle are out of town tonight, I'm going to throw a party!" Emmett said fucking hyped up. I sighed. "Emmett, they'll find out. You know they will." "Dude, whatever. I'm going to call Jasper and ask him to bring some people. We won't need more beer than we already have, we're just going to keep it small. Alright, bro?" Maybe Bella would come. "Alright. Where are Esme and Carlisle going anyway?" "Apparently it's been 27 years ago since they started dating, Carlisle is taking Esme to some kind of show in Seattle and they're pulling into an hotel afterwards." That was sweet of Carlisle. "Ugh, so _romantic_." "You know how they roll, Ed. What time can I invite Jasper?" "Whatever you like." "You will come downstairs, right? Who else will get the beer from the garage?" "You're such a dick. I'll think about it." Emmett laughed and shut the door.

I wasn't in the mood for a party. I didn't want to get wasted and feel like shit afterwards. But still I hoped Bella would be there and we could… hang out. So I decided to take a shower and put some clean clothes on. At least I smelled good if she came. I played the guitar a little again and before I knew it, it was nine o'clock and someone knocked on our door. I didn't even bother to get downstairs, because I knew Emmett would be running to the door.  
"Jasper, dude, hey!" I heard him yell. A few footsteps walked into our house. Someone knocked again. Again. Again. And again. If Emmett said there weren't a lot of people coming, then the knocking should stop now. It did.

An hour later Emmett walked into my room. "Dude, you have to get downstairs. Rose is _so_ wasted already!" "I'll pass," is what I said and I turned up the volume of my iPod. He pulled one ear bud out. "Come on, Edward. You'll have fun." I growled. I hadn't heard any sign of Bella so I didn't think she would be there. Without Bella the party would suck. "Fine. I'll take a look in a couple of minutes." I looked at my iPod again and Emmett rushed downstairs. I wanted to finish the song before I went to the party. The last words of 'Sidewalks' played and I shut my iPod off.

Not feeling this at all, I went downstairs. The noise started to build and I could recognize a few voices. Jasper, Alice, Mike... Still no Bella. "Hey Edward!" Jasper said, while patting my shoulder. "Hi," I said. I checked the room, I was right about the voices. I could add Jessica, Lauren, Rosalie, Angela and Ben. Still no Bella. Jessica sat on Mike's lap, Rosalie was discovering Emmett's mouth with her tongue again, Jasper and Alice were kissing too, but gently. I didn't like Lauren, she didn't seem nice. She did have a nice rack. Angela and Ben liked each other, and they both knew, but you could see they were too chicken to make work of it. Maybe a couple of beers would help Ben make the first move. I walked towards the fridge and got two beers. One for him, one for me. We talked a little, I thought Ben was a pretty nice guy. Suddenly Alice asked me something. "Edward, could you call Bella for me, please? You have her number right? She didn't pick up when I asked her to come, she was working an extra shift tonight." I had to call Bella. It would be fucking weird to just answer 'no.' Especially since Bella and I got along and she knew that. "Yeah…"

I walked outside to get away from all the talking, to call her in silence. I searched for her name in my phone and found her number, I pressed the green phone. "Hello?" I swallowed hard. I was fucking nervous. "Hey, Bella?" "Oh hey Edward, what's up?" She didn't seem to mind me calling her, that was a relief already. "Alice asked me to call you. Emmett and I are having a party since our parents aren't home 'til tomorrow." Now I had to ask her to come. To my house. Nervous again. "Would you like… want to come over… or something?" "Yeah sure, Alice is there too? Jasper? Who else?" she asked me. "Rosalie, Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Angela and Ben. It's not a huge party, we're just hanging out." "I'll be right there!" She hung up. I felt a weird feeling in my legs. The second time Bella would come to my house. We all knew how the last time had worked out. I didn't want her to cry of course, but snuggling would be nice. Now I felt like a fucking douche bag again for thinking that.

I went to join the party again and I saw Ben sitting closer to Angela. Huh, maybe one beer would be enough for the guy. I wouldn't bother them tonight again, so that maybe something could happen. I heard a knock on our door and knew Bella would be the one standing there when I opened it. I took a deep breath and walked to the door. "Hey Edward, thanks for calling me," she said while walking past me, patting my shoulder. "No problem," I answered, closing the door, "everyone is in the living room." Bella nodded and walked in front of me. "Bella!" Alice yelled and she got up from her chair. Alice hugged Bella really tight. Bella looked at me while she was being choked, mouthing: "She's so drunk." I laughed, she did too. I loved her like this. "Can I get you something?" I offered, after Alice was done with her. "Just an ice tea please, no alcohol." "Are you sure?" I asked, even though I knew what happened the last time I saw her drink alcohol. "Yeah, I'm not going to drink again. I'm too weak," she said, joking. I got her an ice tea and sat on the couch next to Emmett and Rosalie.

The hours dragged on and everybody was having a good time. Lots of beer, lots of kissing, lots of hormones. Bella seemed to be having a good time too. After my third beer I decided I would go over to something non-alcoholic because I started to feel dizzy and I didn't want that shit. Around two in the morning, while Bella was caught up in a conversation with Angela, Alice and Jasper decided to take off. Around three in the morning, Bella decided she should go home too. She noticed her bike was gone, just when she was about to leave. "Ah no," she moaned, "my bike is gone!" I walked to the front yard to see if it was really gone. It was. "Maybe you could call Alice?" "Yeah…" she said, while dialing her number already. "Alice, did you take my bike?" Some ruffled noise came through the phone. "That's not funny! Now I have to _walk_!" Again the noise. "No you can't drive because you're _drunk_ and Jasper is too." She snapped her phone shut while turning to me. "Apparently Jasper thought he was funny and he cycled home to Alice's place. Alice left her car here, because she was too wasted to drive." "Maybe I can take you home, I have a car and I'm quite sober," I really was, I wasn't making this shit up so that I could take Bella home.

I went to search Emmett, to tell him I was taking Bella home with the Volvo. I couldn't fucking find him. I decided to call, even though we were probably in the same house. "Edward, hey man, what's up?" "Where the hell are you?" "I'm taking Rose home." No… He wouldn't… "With _my_ Volvo?" "Yeah man, I thought that would be fine." "You are _so_ dead tomorrow," I yelled at him through the phone, not giving him a chance to reply. I walked back to Bella. "I'm sorry, Emmett has the Volvo and Esme and Carlisle are gone with their own car." She sighed, saying: "That's okay, I'll just walk." "No, are you kidding me? I won't let you walk alone at three in the morning." "Edward, it's _Forks_. Nothing _ever_ happens here," she said, smiling a little. "I still don't want to risk it, let me walk you home, okay? It's the least I can do." I was being a fucking gentleman. "Alright, if you really want to," she said, already out the door.

It was freezing but that didn't matter, I had Bella with me. Alone. Okay, now I sounded like a fucking creeper but I was happy to be alone with her again. Three weeks were a long time. "Are you stopping by Monday night again? Show me your improvements of this week?" She said, poking me in my side. "Sure," I said, smiling, my head down. Suddenly she stood still. "Woah, it's been _so_ long since I've been here." I watched her looking at a playground. She started to walk towards it. I just walked along. "Here?" I asked, a little startled. She nodded. "Well, it is a place for five year olds, so it would be weird if you came her just yesterday," I tried to joke. She didn't laugh. "I used to come here all the time with my mom and dad." Shit, her mom. I didn't want to push her, so I decided to ask about her dad. "You live with your mom right? Where's your dad?" I hoped I wasn't going too far with this. Luckily, she answered my question. "They divorced when I was ten years old. His name's Charlie. He's a good guy, I just don't see him a lot. He lives in Phoenix." I nodded. "Sorry to hear they're not together anymore." She shrugged: "They were both so different. She was loose, he was tight. They were like winter and summer, meant to say goodbye to each other. I'm fine with it." We had this little conversation while walking towards the swings.

"This was my favorite thing in the whole playground. I loved to swing. My mom used to push me and I always felt the tingling in my stomach when I swung forward. I still love that feeling." Without even thinking about it, I said: "Go sit." She did what I told her. Then I walked to the other side of the swings and started pushing her. She smiled. "Aren't we a little too old to do this?" she asked, you could hear the smile in her voice. I snorted. "You're never too old to go play in the playground." She laughed out loud. I started to push harder and sometimes she giggled. I assumed it was because of the tingling in her stomach she told me about. I could've pushed her all night long and listened to her joy. But I'm not superhuman, so after a while I grew tired and went to sit beside her on another swing. "That was fun," she said, still a smile on her face. "It was," I said genuinely.

Suddenly she got up and walked towards the little wooden house with a slide in front of it. She climbed in, I followed. "I don't feel like walking anymore," she said, sitting down on the floor of the little playhouse. "We kind of have to, Bella, it's only a few blocks away now," I sat down beside her. She nodded, "I know." We sat for another ten minutes not saying a single word, until she started talking. "Edward, I feel like I have to tell you." I didn't answer, I just looked at her. "I've felt guilty for the last three weeks. I feel like I've been using you." I still didn't talk. She looked me in the eye and looked down again, carving something in the wooden floor. "I only called out for you when I was having a… hard time, only then we were alone, being friends." The friend-word stung a little in my chest. I wanted to be some much more than that. "Every other time that I saw you, there were always people around, you always smiled, I always smiled. It's like we're distant friends." Finally, I got something out: "It doesn't have to be that way… I mean, this is nice right?" She nodded. "Do you feel like I was using you?" "No of course not, you can call me anytime, Bella. If you're happy or if you're down, that doesn't matter shit." She looked at me, not approving. "Sorry. That doesn't matter," I repeated in normal language. "But I only called you when I was feeling down." I sighed, saying: "Then start calling me when you're happy too." She looked up, right into my eyes. I felt butterflies flying through my stomach, seeing the look on her face with the moonlight gracing her features. "I think that's a good idea," she said smiling. I offered her a hand to get up: "Let's get you home." She took it so she had some support to get up. I let go of her hand when she was about to slide down. I followed her.

We were almost at her house now, I could see it peeking through the green trees. We hadn't talked much after the playground. "Sleep tight," I said, standing still and watching her walk towards the front door of the house. She seemed hesitant. "You want to get inside for a while to warm up before you go home?" Wow, I wasn't prepared for that. "Yeah… Sure." I followed her way into the house. She turned the lights on. "Do you want some hot chocolate?" "That would be nice," I said, sitting down on the couch.

After a while she came back from the kitchen with two glasses full of hot chocolate. "This will get you warm." I nodded. "Thanks." She turned on the tv and of course there were only sex adverts so she just shut it off again, a little embarrassed. We talked about music, about her work and about how she began to be annoyed by Mike Newton. She was a little angry, but it made her cute. "I'm curious to see if Angela and Ben finally hit it off," I said. "I didn't see them leave," Bella noted. "I'll see when I come home." "Text me if they're still there," she said, a little smug. "I will," I smiled. I drank my hot chocolate way too fast, so after ten minutes it was time for me to go. "Have a nice weekend," I said, while walking to the front door. "You too, Edward," she said, opening the door for me. I was about to leave when I felt two arms around my waist. She hugged me goodbye. She'd never done that before. I took my chance and hugged her back. My cheek resting on her head and taking in the lovely vanilla scent. Of course it lasted way too short, but hugging her longer than I already had would get suspicious. I waved one last time when I was on the sidewalk again, she waved back and closed the door.

**Bella**

I walked back to the couch where Edward and I had sat just a minute ago. His spot was still warm. I put the two glasses in the dishwasher and laid down on the couch. I didn't have the strength to drag myself up to my room tonight. I looked at the clock. Half past four. I was going to be so drained tomorrow, but that was worth it, I had fun tonight. Swinging had been the highlight of the evening, if not the whole week. Edward was a really nice guy and I would be friends with him. Not just distant friends, as I told him. I would ask him to hang out more often.

I was about to fall asleep but then something vibrated in my pocket. A text. From Edward.

_Ben certainly made his move. Caught them kissing and more. Have to wash the blanket that was on top of the couch. Sleep tight._

I smiled. I texted back.

_Happy to know they hit it off. I'm sorry about your blanket. Sweet dreams._

I was happy for Angela and Ben. I didn't really know them, tonight was the first time I'd talked to Angela so much. She told me about her passion for photography and how she was crazy about Ben but was afraid to tell him. It was cute. Apparently Ben was feeling the same about Angela. I wondered if I would ever get that feeling for anyone. Something tingled in my stomach, it reminded me of the swings.

Now I was fully awake again. I tried to sleep for another fifteen minutes but then I gave up. I wasn't going to sleep tonight. It gave me extra time to work on my scrapbook. I got the scrapbook, that was already half full, and laid it open on the table. The first page held the picture I found a few weeks ago. My happy mother with a tiny me in her arms. This was my favorite picture of us. Along with the picture that had just been made before we heard that she was sick. But I didn't put that one in, yet. I was now at age nine, age fifteen would have to wait a little longer. I'd showed mom my scrapbook a week ago. I was at age six then. She cried when she saw all our pictures and relived the happy memories. Of course I didn't cry with her. It felt a little bit like goodbye. Putting all the memories I had with her in one book. But that was the point. Saying goodbye and accepting she would be gone soon. I felt I was getting ready to do it. Three weeks ago and now felt like a whole other phase. Dr. Cullen was right, this helped me accepting.

I turned the page and watched myself blowing towards a birthday cake with two candles. I had a ugly crown on my head. My mom looked so happy, she was encouraging me to blow a little harder. Of course I spit over the whole cake. Mom had told me that last week. It had been an exhausting thing, showing her the pictures, because she wanted to talk about every single picture. We did. The whole process took four hours. But I was happy she got to see what I made, she seemed happy to remember happiness through the pain. I wrote every word she said down next to the pictures, so I wouldn't forget anything.

I turned the page again. Me, sitting on a horse, my mom supporting my back. The cap I had on, covered my eyes. I smiled. To this day I was still scared to death of horses, but my mom loved them so apparently when I was three years old I dared to ride on of those animals. Mom told me she didn't notice my cap covering my eyes 'til Charlie showed her the picture. I was fine being blind, so I wouldn't have to see the horse.

Another page turned. The first day of kindergarten. I didn't remember it, but seeing it on video and seeing this picture, made me think I didn't like it. Charlie had taken pictures while my mom tried to sooth me, which obviously didn't work considering this picture. I had a red sweater on, with jeans and green shoes. It looked funny. Tears were streaming down my face and my hands were both stretched towards mom, while my teacher was trying to shush me also. Mom said it was killing her to leave me like that on the first day, but that she had to because otherwise I would be clinging to her forever. I'm guessing it had a double meaning.

I skipped three pages and saw the picture of me, mom and Charlie in the swimming pool. I was the one in a bathing suit all wet, mom and Charlie stood next to me, proud as can be. Around my neck hung a golden medal. I had been into swimming 'til I was twelve years old and I was good at it. I'd won the 100 meter free style here at age six. I still felt a little smug thinking about it, even though I didn't remember it that well. I looked at what I wrote next to the picture, last week. _I took the medal everywhere. Mom and Charlie had to take the medal of my neck while I was asleep because I would put up a fight when they forced me to do it consciously. _I smiled. I was a weirdo.

I closed the book. I was actually planning on working on it a little bit more, but my eyelids grew heavy again and I decided I could sleep for a few hours. I shoved the scrapbook under the couch, laid my head on a pillow and drifted off to dreamland within seconds.

* * *

**Comments are better than Edward walking you home.**


	11. Friends

**A/N**

**This is an important chapter for Edward and Bella, two important things happen. The next chapter will have a lot of explanation too.**

I tried to listen to your likings about the dialogues in the paragraphes or separated, I hope this works for y'all. 

**Read for yourselves and let me know what you think! Thanks again!**

* * *

Chapter 11: Friends

**Edward**

The washing-machine beeped and that was my cue to get the blanket out of it. Stupid Ben and Angela. I was happy for them and all, but really, on top of my couch? _Ugh._ It was three o'clock so Carlisle and Esme would be home in a few hours. I was doubting if I should call Bella, just to hang out. I mean, she did say we could be real friends now. And even though friends wasn't at all what I wanted, if it meant being closer to her, I was fucking down with it.

My phone buzzed. A text. Bella. My heart beat way too fast for my liking. Edward, slow the fuck down.

_Can you come over today? I want to show you something. Xo._Xo. Xo. Oh God. She said xo. I felt like a cheerleader for reacting like this but I couldn't fucking help myself. After I calmed down I texted back:

_What time do you need me? Xo._

That was cool right? It didn't take too long for her to respond.

_You can come now if you want to._No xo. But she already said it once, so that must be why she didn't say it again, right? God, what I wouldn't do for just a kiss and a hug from her. I'm fucking insane. Pull yourself together, Edward.

_I'll be right there._

I wrote a note for Carlisle and Esme, saying I was going to study at Jasper's place. They must be happy I'm socializing. Not really socializing, more like isolating myself to Bella, but whatever. Emmett didn't come home last night so I assumed he was at Bigtit's place, fucking his butt off. I didn't need to worry about him.

I got the keys from my Volvo and drove to Bella's house. The door was already open so I could walk in right away.  
"In here!" I heard her yell from the living room. She was in her pajamas, but still fucking beautiful.  
"Nice outfit," I said, teasing.  
"Shut up, it was really late for me last night. Besides, friends see each other like this, right?" She replied, while giving me a glass and opening the fridge for me. "Make yourself at home."

I made myself an ice tea, like always and got comfortable on her couch. "What did you want to show me?" I asked, seeing her walk toward me. She got on her knees in front of the table, opening a drawer. She pulled out a big book.

"I… made this." She stumbled. "Over the past couple of weeks…" She looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes.  
I sat down beside her, on my knees too. "What is it?" I asked, while tucking her hair behind her ear, so I could see her face.  
She looked at me, her big brown eyes full of water.  
"Okay…" she sighed, "I'm going to tell you. Please don't run away or be scared of me afterwards. I want to tell you because you're my friend."  
I felt so fucking guilty for already knowing what she was going to say, but I wasn't going to let her know. I nodded.  
"Do you promise?" She asked me, her face serious.  
"I promise, Bella."  
I let my hand make circles on her back. She seemed to relax a little while I did that, so I just kept going.

She opened the book. The first picture I saw was a young woman with a baby in her arms. Bella wrote underneath the picture: _Me and mom, I was just born and crying like crazy. _I smiled.  
"You're a pretty baby, even crying."  
She smiled a little. "This is my mom, Renee… She's upstairs right now…"  
She began to cry. I grabbed her hand without even thinking about it and squeezed it a little. "She's sick, Edward…"  
She let go of my hand and covered her face.

I wanted to fucking see her and she shouldn't be ashamed of this for fuck's sake. I grabbed both her hands of her face and held them in mine. We sat like that for fifteen minutes, then she was ready again to start talking.

"She's… been sick for two years now…"  
I nodded, looking her in the eye the entire time.  
"Breast cancer…"  
I felt a cold air coming over me, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  
"She's not… getting better anymore."  
She started sobbing again. I pulled her against my chest, letting her cry it all out. Nothing else fucking mattered right now.

I stroke her hair and kept making patterns with my fingers on her back. She had her arms around my neck and her face nuzzled in the crook of my neck. I felt her breathing on my collarbones. God, I loved her. I wish I could tell her that right in this fucking moment. _It will be okay, Bella, I'm here. I'm here and I love you. _

Her crying eased a little and she started talking again, her face still that way in my neck. "She'll die soon… She's going to do euthanasia."  
The tears came again. I had to swallow hard to not cry like a baby myself. I still didn't say a word and I guess she was comfortable that way. I didn't push her to do anything, she could let it all out now. After half an hour my knees started to hurt and I decided the couch was a better place. I lifted her without any effort and she didn't seem to mind, she clung to me like I was the most important thing in the world. I wished I was.

I placed myself on the couch, and let her lay on top of me, just like the other night. She moved a little before she was comfortable and was still then, keeping her eyes closed. I kept on trailing my fingertips up and down her back. I wanted to give her a kiss. Not even a _real_ kiss, but a kiss that said 'don't worry.' I didn't know if that would cross the friends-line, but I decided to give it a try. My heart beating out of my chest, I placed a kiss on her hair. She squeezed me tighter. Fuck, thank God she didn't mind that. My heart slowed down again. My fingertips kept doing their work and after an hour or so she got up a little, just enough to look me in the eye.

"You're such a sweet person, Edward."  
Fuck, I have to find a way to keep me from having all these butterflies in my stomach. It really wasn't fucking funny anymore. I nodded as a thank you and she smiled a little, her head down on my chest again.  
"Do you want to stay over tonight?" she said, her voice muffled because of my shirt. "I know it's only five o'clock or something but I would… like it if you stayed."  
She didn't look at me. "Of course." She squeezed my arm again. I'm guessing squeezing was her thing. I didn't mind, it was fucking cute.

An hour after that, she got up and said she needed to make us some dinner. I said I was fine and wasn't very hungry but she insisted. To compromise we decided to cook together. I never cooked before so this would be interesting.  
"What are we going to make?" I asked, catching an apron she threw at me. I unfolded it. It was pink with white flowers. I looked at her, she was suppressing her laughter.  
"I am _not_ wearing this!" I yelled. She couldn't take it anymore, she laughed her ass off.  
"I'm serious," I said, laughing along with her, "this is horrible!"  
She grabbed the apron out of my hand and threw me a blue one, without any flower on it. "You're such a baby," she said, while poking my side. I shook my head, smiling.

"Have you ever cooked before?" she asked after she was done laughing.  
"Not really…" I answered honestly.  
"Let's start with something easy then. Do you like pancakes?"  
I snorted. "Who _doesn't_ like pancakes?"  
She smiled, saying: "You'll be surprised, but some people don't like them."  
"They should be hospitalized."  
"I know!"

"Alright, you get the flour, I'll get the eggs. Do you want apple in your pancakes?" She asked me, while opening the fridge for the second time that day.  
"Nah, I like them natural."  
"Good," she said, "because we don't have any apples."  
I rolled my eyes. "Where do you keep the flour?"  
"Bottom drawer."

After we got the flour, eggs and milk in one bowl, the decision who was going to mix it was quickly made. "You should mix, it's not hard and it will make you feel like you did something important to make these pancakes," she insisted.

I simply obeyed. "Make sure you click on the fastest position on the mixer." Again I obeyed.

"Okay, now start."

I pushed one button and everything after that was a mess. I didn't get a good grip on the bowl and it fell off the dresser onto the floor, leaving a big sand colored mess. I was stunned, looking at the floor, so I forgot to put the mixer off which led to my apron and my face full of sand colored spots too. Bella pulled the mixer out of my hand really fast and the thing finally slowed down after one push on a button from her. We were both silent for one split second and then she started laughing again. Even harder than just now, with the apron. She was actually _crying_ because of it.

I laughed with her, only because seeing her laugh made me laugh. Maybe if I looked in the mirror I would laugh harder, but this would do for now. I decided I couldn't be the only one being this nasty and sticky, so I had no other choice than to chase her and hug her so she would be dirty too. She knew what I was going to do when I walked toward her.

"Oh no, no, no!" she said, already running away from me. Of course I was faster and I grabbed her by her waist. She tried to get away but I was stronger. I turned her around so we were face to face and I hugged her tight. She didn't need to know this was more to me than just making her a sticky mess.

After a while she relaxed and stopped trying to get away from me, out of my hold. I relaxed too, but I didn't want to let go. Neither did she. We stood like that for a few minutes, arms around each other, my head resting on hers. I pulled away, to look her in the eye. I smiled a little at the sight of the mix of flour, eggs and milk in her hair.

"What?" she asked, oblivious.  
"You have it in your hair," I answered, smiling. "And in your eyebrow."  
I brought my hand up to her eyes and tried to wipe the stickiness from her eyebrow. She looked at me deeply and my hand automatically brought itself to the back of her neck. We were silent. I could hear her heart beating absurdly fast. Fuck, this was too much, even for me. I felt so much at the same time, I even felt tears creeping up behind my eyes. I fucking _loved_ this girl. I really fucking did.

She laid her hands on my chest and brought her face closer to mine. I wondered what it would look like to the outside. Two people with aprons on, with weird shit in their hair and on their faces, about to kiss. I closed my eyes and moved a little forward. I heard her breath hitch and suddenly her hands were off my chest, my hands not touching her, she was a few feet away.

"I'm sorry, I… I'm going to take a shower, you can take one after me, okay? We'll order pizza or something when were clean."  
I nodded, feeling the sting of rejection in my heart. She then took the apron off and took it with her upstairs. I took mine off too, and threw it in the corner of the kitchen. Fuck, I messed up! But she seemed to want it too, right? Why the fuck would she place her hands on my chest, look at me that way, push her to me and _not _want to kiss? Fuck!

**Bella**

I ran upstairs to my room and got out of my clothes as soon as possible. I needed to clear my head and taking a shower was the best way to do so. I threw all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and hopped into the shower, letting the warm water calm me. I washed my hair and brushed it to take the stickiness out of it. That took almost ten minutes. After fifteen minutes I was done doing what I had to do and I _had_ to think about the unavoidable.

Okay, so, I told Edward what was going on with my mom. He had been really sweet about it, as always and we were just the way we always were when I was feeling down.

Edward soothing Bella. Bella cuddling up to Edward. Everything seemed so simple.

Maybe I provoked him. I knew I did. For God's sake, I placed my hands on his chest en pushed myself closer to him, I _wanted_ to kiss him. I knew he wanted to kiss me too but I got scared. We keep on expanding our boundaries. From simply saying hi to helping at math to comforting me to distant friends to friends to friends with benefits to lovers?

No, we had to be sure we could be friends first, I didn't want to keep using him just because I needed love.

But I wasn't using him, I wanted this.

And I never wanted to kiss someone before. God, I was confused. Maybe I should ask him to leave now. But I didn't want to. I wanted him to stay here, with me. What the heck was going on with me? The warm water coming out of the shower suddenly felt cold to me. I decided we should just see what would happen tonight. I was going to apologize to him though, that was for sure.

I quickly got dressed into another pajamas and hurried downstairs. While Edward would be showering I'd give my mom her medication. I saw Edward sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, hands folded on his stomach, looking like he did some serious thinking. I let a fake cough out. He opened his eyes immediately.

"You can shower. It's right upstairs, first door to the right. You can lock it if you want. I also have some clean clothes for you if you'd like. I already laid them down for you in the bathroom. They're old ones from Charlie that my mom has lying around."  
Edward nodded and walked towards the door, he didn't look at me. I wasn't going to bear this all night, so I grabbed his arm.  
"Edward, look, I'm sorry."  
He smiled a halfhearted smile, saying: "Don't be." Then he walked up the stairs.  
I let out a sigh. This was going to be a long night.

I got the medication for mom and heard streaming water coming from the bathroom, while I was making my way to my mom's bedroom. I peeked around the door and saw my mom sleeping, like she did most of the time. She was really almost like an empty shell.

"Mom? Hey, you need to take your medication again, you can sleep afterwards."  
She opened her eyes, laying her hand on top of mine. It reminded me of how Edward took my hands earlier today. I wish we could still do that now, without all the weirdness.  
"Bella, honey, how… is the scrapbook?" she asked me, with all her strength she had in her in that moment.  
"I'm still working on it, I'll show you my progress when you're not as tired as you are now, okay?" I replied, getting the sweat off of her forehead.  
"Promise me," she said, smiling a little.  
"I promise." She took her last pill and went off to dreamland in no time.

I went downstairs and got my favorite blanket, settled down on the couch and turned on the tv. After ten minutes of watching a typical romantic comedy I heard no water streaming anymore and I got a little nervous. He would be downstairs in a few minutes and I didn't want it to be weird and awkward like it had been half an hour ago. What could we talk about? Ah, music! What else? Angela and Ben. Think, Bella, think.

I didn't have any more time to think.

Edward stepped into my living room, still drying his hair with his towel. I couldn't help but thinking he looked… _sexy_. I would have to never mind the fact that he was wearing my dad's clothes though. That made him less sexy in an instant. Maybe that was better.  
"What?" he said, standing still in the middle of the room.  
"No… nothing," I said, shaking my head, "you can throw your towel in the laundry room."  
"Alright," he said, shrugging and walking away.

I got off the couch and decided maybe hot chocolate would lighten up everything. Suddenly Edward stood beside me, I didn't even hear him coming in again.  
"I'm making hot chocolate, do you want whip cream on top of it?"  
"Sure," he said.  
_Dang it, Bella, you finally got him to open up and now he's closing in again. Don't let it happen._  
I made the hot chocolate with a chagrinned face and brought it to Edward.  
"Here you go," I said, not looking at him.  
"Thanks."  
We were silent for almost ten minutes then. And it wasn't a nice silence like we used to have, it was as awkward as can be.

I couldn't take it anymore.  
"Okay, Edward, listen to me," I turned toward him, so he would have to look me in the eye, "I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I don't know what had gotten into me and you don't owe me anything. If you want to leave right now, you can, you have all the right to. I will never make you want to kiss me again."  
Finally, he looked at me. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he didn't.  
"Talk to me," I said, taking his hand, just like he took mine this afternoon.  
He looked at our hands, first not working with me, then he relaxed and stroke my hand with his thumb.  
"I'm sorry too," he looked at me, very serious.  
"You don't have to be, I'm the one who provoked you."  
He shook his head.  
"Let's just pretend that part of the day didn't happen, okay? We'll just be Edward and Bella, like we were before all of that happened," I said, hoping he would agree with me, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to forget. He nodded.  
"Okay."

We were silent again and the awkwardness floated away as the minutes passed by.  
"Do you still want to order a pizza?" he suddenly asked.  
"I'm kind of hungry and I don't think making pancakes is a very good idea." I smiled at the memory of him, all sticky and dirty.  
"That really was your fault, you shouldn't have let me mixed that!" he said, playfully poking my side.  
"I know," I said, with the biggest grin on my face. "What kind of pizza do you want?" "Anything with mozzarella is good," he replied.

I got to the phone and ordered two pizzas. They would arrive in twenty minutes. When I got off the phone and walked back into the living room, Edward was laying on the couch. I looked at the clock. It was half past eight. I got on the couch too, and we automatically took our routine position. Me laying on top of him, my head on his chest, his fingers trailing along my back. I could lay like this forever.

"Thanks for telling me… about your mom, I mean," he suddenly said, looking worried, playing with my hair.  
I nodded, sniffing to take his scent in from his shirt. It already had his scent in it, no sign of my father. To not let myself think about it too much, I answered: "You have the right to know. We're friends."

Friends who cuddle quite a lot, I thought.

He didn't respond right away. After a couple of minutes he asked something again.  
"How long has she left?"  
I felt a tear escaping my eye, I tried to wipe it away, but Edward already did that for me.  
"Thanks," I said, smiling a little, "She's going to let go whenever I'm ready, I have to give her the okay-sign."

"Are you ready?" he asked me, it was a logical question.

"I'm getting there, thanks to your father." He was silent again. I talked.  
"The scrapbook is one of the things I'm doing to accept that she's going to be gone. I don't want to forget her, not anything, so I'm putting all these pictures in and writing down everything she remembers from those pictures."

"That's a wonderful idea, Bella," he said. He kissed my hair, I couldn't help but squeeze him again. He made me squeeze him when he did something to me that made me feel… _weird_. It happened unconsciously.  
"If I can help you with anything, just let me know. I'll be there." Another squeeze.  
"Thank you."

I closed my eyes and almost fell asleep until the doorbell rang. Edward seemed to be a little sleepy too.  
"I'll get it," I said. I got up and walked towards the door, ten dollars in my hand. I opened the door. Hey, I recognized that face.  
"Hey, Ben!" He didn't look at me. Now he did.  
"Oh hey, Bella, how are you?"  
"Doing good, I didn't know you worked at Domino pizzas. How much do you get from me?" He smiled. "Eight dollars and fifty cents."  
He gave me back one dollar fifty and said he needed to take off again, other costumers were waiting. I got back into the house and saw Edward sitting straight on the couch.

"That was Ben!" I said, putting the pizzas on the table.  
"Huh, that's cool," he said, opening one pizza box. I got us a knife, we didn't need anything other than that. You're supposed to eat pizza with your hands.  
"You still have to tell me what you found yesterday night when you returned home."  
"Seriously, you don't want to know," he laughed.  
"That bad, huh?"  
"Just pretty disgusting," he nodded in agreement.  
"Never mind then."

We ate our pizza in silence and watched a sitcom that none of us really followed. I couldn't eat a whole pizza so Edward ate two slices from mine too. He was about to explode right now.  
"Ugh, I can't see any pizza in the next two years," he said, laying down on the couch again.  
Automatically I climbed on top of him.  
"Ow, not the stomach," he said, while I leaned down on it.  
"Sorry," I giggled. I tried to avoid his belly while laying on top of him but that wasn't comfortable, so I put myself slowly on top of his stomach again. He didn't seem to mind now. "You know," he said, while his fingertips made me shiver, "you smell good."  
I looked at him.  
"No, I don't mean it in like a weird way, or something. You just smell good."  
Now I laughed at him.  
"I'm serious! Not many girls do these days. But you smell like good old vanilla."  
"_Old?_" I said, joking.  
"Never mind," he rolled his eyes, "you're not believing me anyway."  
I buried my face in the crook of his neck again. "You smell good too." I heard him swallow. "What?" I asked.  
"No, nothing, I just needed to… swallow." He was making up an excuse, anyone could see that. Whatever. I laid my head down again and took in his scent. Lovely.

After two hours I woke up, from the noise coming from the tv.  
"Dang," I said, climbing off Edward, who was also asleep. I turned the tv off and tried to climb on top of him again, but he woke up.  
"I'm sorry, the tv woke me up so I shut it off," I said, sitting in between his legs.  
He nodded, laid on his side now and opened his arms as an invitation for me. I accepted and we were laying in a new position now. Both on our sides, looking at our each other, our legs intertwined. I sighed, this felt good too.

We looked at each other for a few more minutes, but both of us were too tired to keep our eyes open. After I closed mine, it was a matter of seconds before I fell asleep in Edwards hold.

**

* * *

**

**Comments are better than Edward chasing you down all dirty and sticky.**


	12. Emergency

**A/N  
Thanks for all your loveliness everyone, I really appreciate it.**

**Another turning point for Edward and Bella this time. Also, it starts in Bella's pov, never done that before.**

**Let me know what you all think!

* * *

**

Chapter 12: Emergency

**Bella**

I woke up early and smiled at the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. Edward's face. I moved myself closer to him and he unconsciously did the same. I thought about all the things that had happened this weekend. Edward and I were officially friends. I didn't consider many people my friends. Alice was my best friend, Rosalie was kind of a friend (not very much, though), Jasper was my friend but only because he was my cousin and Alice's boyfriend. Emmett was kind of a friend that I once kissed.

God, what was I thinking then.

But Edward already meant so much more to me than Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper combined. They never walked me home, they didn't care if I cried… He did. He _really_ did. That's why I decided to tell him the story about mom yesterday. He already knew a lot about me, now he knew every secret I had. I think.

He remained so calm and just let me take my time to pull myself together. Where else would you find that kind of friend? And this was a _boy_. Seriously, he was one of a kind. That suddenly kicked in yesterday morning when I woke up, and I wanted to be near to him. So I texted him and of course he drove his way up here.

I laughed out loud for a second and then shut my mouth as fast as it had opened.

The thought of making pancakes made me do that. God, that was hilarious. He looked _so_ lost with the mixer in his hands and his apron and hair full of flour, eggs and milk. I kind of expected the chase down but still it was fun. Once he caught me and held me in his arms I couldn't help but feel safe again, the way I always did when he touched me.

Then the almost kiss.

I still didn't know what that meant. I certainly wanted it. Well, my body wanted it. My mind followed not much later with the same thought. Edward seemed to want it too, the way he held me wasn't normal for not-kissing. But suddenly I froze.

I was too aware of the fact that this wasn't anything I ever felt before and I got scared. Really scared. So scared I left the poor boy alone in my house just so I could snap out of it and take a shower. I was such a coward.

I'm going to be in so much trouble if I still want to kiss him today.

Suddenly I heard a knock on our front door. I looked outside and saw a familiar car parked. _No, no, no, no!_"Edward!" I said, grabbing him by his arms and shaking him violently. "Edward, wake _up!_"  
A muffled sound came from his mouth and he kept his eyes closed. "Edward, wake the _fuck_ up!"  
That did the job. He opened his eyes, looking confused. "Am I dreaming or did you just say fuck?" His voice squeaked in the middle of his sentence.  
"Yes I said fuck, I know it's a shocker. But, the point is, your dad is standing on my front porch waiting for me to open the door!"  
"_What?!_ Are you serious?!"  
"Yes! That's why I said fuck, Edward!"  
"Shit! Where do I hide?!"  
"I don't know..." I was panicking. "Oh! You can sneak into my bed room, it's the second room on the right. Your dad will come upstairs though to check on my mom so be still."  
He was gone before I knew it.

I got up and walked toward the door, opened the curtain and saw Dr. Cullen standing there. "Hi Dr. Cullen, I didn't expect you this early."  
"Hey Bella, is everything okay? Normally you're here to greet me in a second."  
"Yeah no, I didn't want you to see me in my pajamas but then I thought, who cares."  
He took the first step into the house and made his way to the living room.  
"Do you know any Jasper?"  
"Erh, yeah… He's my cousin, why?"  
"Does he live here too?" Dr. Cullen seemed confused.  
"No…" What was his point?  
"Maybe someone else has a silver Volvo in Forks too, then."  
"_Oh!_" I squealed. I could feel myself turning red.  
He looked at me, asking me what was up with his eyes.  
"Jasper lives a few houses away, that must be why Edward parked it there." I was the worst liar.  
"Ah, that explains a lot."  
I nodded, shifting my weight uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I should keep private things to myself. I came here early to check on you and your mother, since I was out of town this weekend."  
"That's nice of you. The scrapbook is making great progress. Do you want to see it?"  
Dr. Cullen nodded in his enthusiasm and it made me smile. This way he looked a lot like Edward.

I got the book out of the drawer and opened it, laying it in his lap. He looked at all the pages, seriously looking at each picture and text. He was silent for quite a long time.  
"Do you like it?"  
"It looks really good, Bella. But the main question is, does it help you accept? Do you feel like it's working?"  
I nodded. "Yes, I do. I can talk about it with my mom when she's feeling okay and I love hearing memories that she has of us. I don't think I'll forget her, or anything she told me now."  
"You're making great progress, Bella. Maybe if you finish the scrapbook you'll be ready to let her go."  
"Maybe," I said, my voice sad.  
"I'm just trying to make it easier for you, but it will never be _that_ easy. Remember that, Bella."  
I didn't say anything but just smiled.

"I'm going to check up on your mother now and then I'll be gone so you can go get ready for school," he said, already lifting himself off the couch.  
"Thank you, Dr. Cullen."  
He winked and not much later I heard footsteps going up the stairs.

Now I was nervous for him to go into the wrong room and find Edward there. All hell would break loose. I didn't hear anything unusual, so he must have just opened the door to my mom's room.

I was sitting still, fidgeting with my fingers, trying to hear anything weird coming from upstairs, but after ten minutes I heard footsteps again. Dr. Cullen peeked his head around the door and said: "I'll let myself out, Bella. I'll see you next time!"  
I shot up from the couch. "Yes! Thanks!" I waved eagerly.

The second I heard the engine roar I ran upstairs, finding Edward sitting on my bed.  
"Is he gone?" he asked, still scared.  
"Yeah, he's gone. He did ask about your car though," I said, while sitting down next to him.  
"Fuck! I totally forgot about that. What did you say?"  
"First. Stop cursing."  
"You cursed this morning!"  
"It was an _emergency!_"  
"So I _can_ curse when there's an emergency?"  
"Yes," I said, smiling a little at our conversation. This was ridiculous, we were like an twenty year married couple. "Anyway, I said Jasper lives a few houses away so if he asks you anything when you get home you have to play along with my lie."  
"Bella, Bella," he said, while shaking his head disapproving, "first you curse and then you lie. What's becoming of you?"  
"Shut up," I said, slapping his arm.

He poked my side and I saw him smiling his crooked smile. God, something tingled inside of me. I really, _really_ wasn't used to this.

"What time does your class start today?" I asked, knowing mine would start in two hours.  
"What time is it now?" he asked, searching for a clock on my wall.  
"I don't have a clock, I always check my phone. It's half past eight."  
"Alright. Then it starts in an hour," he got up, and reached out his hand for me. I took it and we were both standing now.  
"What did my dad say about your mom?" he asked seriously, looking me in the eye and still holding my hand.  
"He mostly doesn't tell me anything after he checked on her, only when I ask or when something unusual occurs. So, nothing really."  
He nodded and kissed my forehead.

I closed my eyes and felt the tingling coming back.

He walked away. I couldn't help but yell his name. "Edward!"  
He turned around, standing in my door way. "Yeah?"  
"Come back."  
He did. A little careful and confused.

"I know this weekend has been a lot to process. I mean, the thing about my mom, you and I being friends and the weirdness from yesterday. But, I really like having you around." I said, slightly shaking because I was nervous.  
He smiled. "I like having you around too. But if you don't mind me changing to my own clothes and get ready for school now," he said, rubbing my arm and wanting to walk away again.  
"No, Edward…"

What the heck was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just let him leave for one second? That's when I realized I wanted to be with him. I didn't know in which way but I needed to see him every day. How could I be so scared of it, when I felt it for the first time yesterday when we were about to kiss? It was something I never felt before, but it felt… _great_.

"Bella, what's wrong? You're being weird." He walked toward me again.  
"I don't know… I feel weird." He sat down beside me, his hand on my knee, which made me shiver.  
"Are you cold?" he asked immediately.  
I smiled a little, trying to not let it sound like a big deal. "Nah, your touch just does that me."

He was quiet, I was quiet.

I blurted another few words out.

"And I like it when you kiss me on my forehead."

He looked at me with wide eyes. I knew I shouldn't have said that. He still didn't speak, he just looked at me funny.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. Forget everything I said. We're just Edward and Bella, just friends. Okay? Okay, great!"

I got up and ran towards the stairs, but he grabbed my arm and turned me around.

"Bella…" he said, swallowing hard.  
I felt tears stinging behind my eyes and felt the lump coming up in my throat. I didn't want him to reject me or for him to go away. I didn't want to look at him, he knew that.  
"Hey, look at me, baby…"  
He never called me baby. It _did_ make me look at him.

He placed one hand on my lower back and the other one caressed the back of my neck. I felt my heart beating out my chest and I was sure he could hear it.  
Without thinking about it I gently pulled his shirt so we stood closer, then I threw my arms around his neck.  
He smiled and let out a silent 'fuck.'  
I looked a little mad at him and he shrugged, whispering: "This is kind of an emergency."  
I nodded. It didn't ruin the moment.

The hand that was caressing my neck, made its way to my face and cupped it. He rubbed my cheek with his thumb.  
"I like kissing your forehead, too," he then whispered in my ear.  
I shivered again. He pushed his hand that was on my lower back harder to my skin, so I automatically took another small step forward, so our bodies were fully against each other. I was too scared to say a word and ruin all this.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this, Bella…" he whispered.  
"W-What?" I stuttered. I talked way too loud and could slap myself for that.

He looked at me again, his eyes looking at me so intense I would've collapsed if he wasn't holding me so tight.

"Come here…"  
This was it. God, my heart.  
I closed my eyes when I saw him leaning in. I could feel his breath on my lips and I loved it. He stroke my cheek one more time. I felt his lips pushing against mine and I responded. I shaped my lips around his, still holding on to him desperately.

Nothing fancy, just a long kiss.

It felt so much more different than that kind of kiss with Emmett or Matthew McCoy in fourth grade. So much more intense, so much more special.  
I felt my knees shake and my heart was about to explode.

He then stroke my cheek again and our lips separated. We let our foreheads rest against each other. I opened my eyes and saw him frowning, with his eyes closed.  
"W-Was that not good?" I asked silently, scared.  
He opened his eyes. "It was amazing, I never felt anything like this before…"  
I nodded, not really knowing what to do.  
"Can we do it again? Please…" I said, I felt pathetic for asking him. I could just take control myself but I wasn't ready for that. Not yet.  
"A hundred more times if you want to," he said, now cupping my face with both his hands.

I grabbed his wrists and closed my eyes again. "God," I said, whispering.  
I felt his heartbeat and it wasn't quite relaxed either, that made me feel better about my own. We stood like that for a moment, his breath gracing my lips, making me want to kiss him even more.

Finally he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine again. They fit together perfectly. The kiss lasted a long time and I felt knocked off my feet. But when our lips weren't on each other anymore I wanted more. So that's what I said: "More…"

Now it didn't take that long for him to push his lips on mine anymore. I could feel the yearning coming from his lips and he held me so tight, afraid I might slip away. I threw my arms around his neck again, one hand found its way to his hair and I pulled it gently. This felt so good.

My body responded to my needs, I pushed myself to him and slightly opened my mouth. I kissed his lower lip shortly and did it again. I felt him wanting more too by the way he kissed me back.

This time when I opened my mouth I let my tongue slightly lick his lip. He got the idea of what I wanted and opened his mouth too. His tongue barely touched my lip and then it disappeared into his own mouth again. Now I opened my mouth a bit more and let my tongue slip a little more into his. Our tongues touched and they licked each other lovingly. Not too fast, not too slow. Perfect. I kissed his lips a few more times and then we both pulled back, our foreheads resting against each other again.

I smiled a little, still with my eyes closed.  
"What?" he asked quietly, apparently he already had his eyes open.  
I opened my eyes too.  
"You just gave me my first real kiss."  
He looked at me serious."_Really?_"  
I giggled a little."Yes, really." Then the insecurity kicked in. "Oh _snap_, was it good? I mean… did I do it right?"  
He stroke my cheek again. "Did you _not_ feel that just a few seconds ago? It was fucking amazing."  
I didn't even care to respond to his cursing now. I threw my arms around his waist and hugged him, before I let out the following words: "We kind of have to get ready for school… Can you give me a ride? I'll study for an hour or so in the cafeteria."  
"Yeah, sure."  
"Thanks," I said, smiling. I stood on the tip of my toes and pressed my lips firmly against his one more time, before I pushed him out the door so I could get dressed.

After a minute I was done and I rushed downstairs. I made the mix for pancakes quickly and when Edward got downstairs in his own clothes I was already turning around some pancakes in the pan.

"Pancakes?" I heard him ask from the couch.  
"Yes, I still feel like eating them and since you can't cook I decided to do it myself."  
"They better be good," he said, while putting on his shoes.

A few minutes later the pancakes were ready and I served a few of them on a plate.  
"Here you go," I said, placing the plate on his lap.  
"Thanks, they do look good."  
"They _are_ good."

We ate in silence. I was still thinking about my first kiss. I didn't know what he was thinking about, but I hoped he would be thinking about the same.

When every pancake was devoured and I put everything in the dishwasher, I started to worry about us at school. I sat next to him on the couch and he put his arm around me, twirling my hair around his long fingers.  
"Hey, how are we going to do this at school?" I asked.  
"I don't know… What do you want?"  
"I don't want anyone to know we kissed just yet. I think we have to figure this out ourselves before telling anyone else. So we can just go our usual ways at school?"  
"You're… not _ashamed_ of kissing me, right?" he asked, pulling in his arm he had around me.  
"No, of course not," I said, while getting his arm back on my shoulders, "but I don't know how this is going to work out and what we are now and I just want to figure that out before anyone else can judge about us."  
He nodded. "That makes sense."

We sat like that for another five minutes and then it was time to go. "Got the keys to your Volvo?" I asked, while walking out the door.  
"Right here," he replied, while he pushed a button and I heard a beep coming from his car.

I got in the passenger seat and Edward was already beside me. "Woah, nice car," I said.  
"I love it," he said. The engine roared and we drove away.

We didn't talk much during our ride to school, which only lasted two minutes.

"I guess I'll see you in math," I said, ready to get out of the car.  
"Wait!" he said, a little louder than normal.  
I let myself fall back in the seat and looked at him questionably.  
He leaned in and laid his hand on my knee, while kissing my lips firmly. I answered his kiss, complete with grabbing his hair again. I loved his hair.  
"Thanks," I said afterwards, a big grin on my face.  
"You're more than welcome," he said, smiling back at me.  
We were lucky his windows were black.

Now we both got out of the car and he rushed off to his class. I made my way to the cafeteria and sat down at my usual spot. I got the math books out of my bag, an hour before I would see Edward again. I felt butterflies flying around in my stomach. This weekend had turned my whole world around.

I opened the book and tried to concentrate on assignment three on page 175. I still had no clue what all the weird numbers meant so I just moved on to Biology. Suddenly someone closed my book. I looked up and saw a familiar face. Alice.  
"Hey, what are you doing in school this early? You have class in like an hour."  
"Yeah…"  
She was silent and looked me with those suspicious eyes again.  
"Something happened… Something big," she concluded.  
I turned red.  
"Oh Bella, tell me! What happened? Is it Edward? _OH MY GOD!_ It's _Edward_ isn't it?!"  
I slapped her arm, saying: "Could you keep it down, please? Shut up and I'll tell you."  
She made a movement in which she locked her mouth. I rolled my eyes.  
"We kissed," I said simply, still red as flames.  
Alice's mouth dropped to the floor. "You _kissed_? Like really _kissed_?"  
"Yes, it's no big deal. Shut up."  
"Oh my God! So are you guys a thing now? Was it good? Do you like him?"  
"Alice!"  
"No excuses Bella, you _kissed _the guy. You're like a saint, you don't usually _kiss_."  
"You keep seeing kiss a thousand times. I know what it means."  
"You do, don't you?" she said playfully, with a twinkle in her eyes.  
"Stop it!"

At that moment Rosalie and Emmett stood beside us.  
"Hey guys," Rosalie said, while feeling up Emmett. "Our class got canceled so you're stuck with us."  
I grumbled, I really hoped Alice would keep her mouth shut. I fake coughed.  
"Alice, do you need to go the girls room?" I looked pleading with my eyes. Of course she got the message. "Yeah, now that you mention it." She was the worst at faking though.

I closed the door of the girls room and spit the words: "Don't tell anyone, I promised him I wouldn't in the first place. I don't know what I feel, I don't know what he feels and I don't want to ruin this. If you're my best friend you let it rest and don't tell anyone."  
I got the whole sentence out in three seconds. She looked flabbergasted.  
"Okay, I won't tell anyone, but you have to tell me how it happened. I'll be at your place at eight. No saying no." I sighed. "Fine. You need to give me a ride home by the way."  
"Aww," she yelled, "he picked you up?!"  
"No, he was at my place already. Anyway, tonight, right?"  
"Can't wait!" she clapped her hands, while I was already out the door.

We both sat down at the table again. "You guys pee fast," Emmett said. He is never awake but this he notices. Grmbl.  
Luckily Alice made him uncomfortable with a girly comment: "I just had to make sure my tampon was right." He looked disgusted and quickly looked away. I smiled at her and she winked back.

We talked a little about our weekends, mostly about the party and Ben and Angela. Apparently they were an item now, not making a secret out of it. Another remarkable thing that happened at the party. Well, not exactly at the party but after the party. Mike dumped Jessica. She would not be happy about this. But she wasn't a nice person so she probably deserved it.

I listened to their stories while my thoughts were somewhere else.

**Edward**

I couldn't focus. At all. But who would if you kissed Bella _fucking_ Swan this morning? Four fucking times. Life could be good. I couldn't get that smirk off of my face and I would probably look like a creeper today but I didn't care. Because I kissed Bella.

She was so soft, so insecure but so good. Fuck, I couldn't wait to kiss her again. I don't know if I crossed the line by kissing her in the parking lot, even though we were in my car, but I had to fucking do it. I wouldn't be able to bear to live through today. Okay, maybe that's a little excessive but whatever. I loved kissing her. Already.

I still didn't know how she felt about me though. She could've kissed me because she wanted to try and knew I would be eager to help her. She also could've done it because I was being sweet to her, but that was it. Or she could actually have feelings for me. I was hoping for the last option, but I tried not to get my fucking hopes up.

I should give her a ride home, since I also drove her here. I would offer it the next hour during math.

The minutes dragged on and finally the bell rang.

I almost ran desperately to math class, I realized people looked at me weird but I wanted to see _her_ again. I was such a pathetic loser.

She walked in right after me. She blushed while she said hi to me. "Hey," I smiled. We didn't have much time to talk because Mrs Lanette was screaming through class and didn't let us study for ourselves. Suddenly I felt a hand on my knee and my breath hitched. My hand slipped underneath the table too and I found Bella's hand. Her hand held a note. I took it and read it.

_I told Alice. I'm sorry but she instantly knew because of my face. Hope you don't mind._

She had a pretty handwriting. I wrote back.

_As long as you're okay with it, I'm okay. Do you need a ride home?_

She mouthed 'thank you' to me and started writing again.

_Alice already offered me one, sorry. I have the night off tonight in the shop, so we can hang out tomorrow after school? _

_Sounds good._

That was all the contact that was made that class. The bell rang and I packed my stuff. Bella did too and she said bye, walking out the door. I walked out not much later than her and all of the sudden someone grabbed me by my jacket, pulling me through a door I never noticed was there.

"Sorry," a female voice said. I turned around and saw those unmistakable brown eyes looking at me.

"That's okay…" I replied a little startled by her taking control. Not that I mind, though. "What's up?"

"I don't know. I just…" She was quiet again and looked down.

I pressed her chin up with my finger.

"Can I kiss you again?" she asked, wearing that same blush from an hour ago.

I smiled. "Anytime."

She stood on her toes, her arms around my neck. I took in her scent, loving the vanilla. Fuck, this girl would be the death of me. I twirled her hair around my fingers and let it bounce free again. She was touching my hair again, pulling it a little. I looked at her lips, she was smiling. I fucking loved her smile. It made me smile too, without even thinking about it.

Then, with sudden determination, she gently pushed her lips to mine. I hugged her by her waist en she pulled my hair again.

Fuck, this was good.

Another few sweet kisses and her mouth opened again. I felt her soft tongue sliding into my mouth and licking my tongue gently. I massaged her tongue with mine and she grabbed my hair more fiercely.

When I pulled away for one split second, she pulled my jacket so I had no choice but to kiss her again. Not that I minded of course.

We kissed for another few minutes and then she suddenly pulled away, still holding my jacket with her little fists.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said with a wink.

Then she turned around and shut the door behind her, leaving me breathless.

She was such a fucking tease, now that she knew what she was doing. And she was fucking good at it. I would _definitely_ see her tomorrow, she could count on that.**

* * *

**

**Comments are better than saint Bella cursing.**


	13. Benefits

**A/N**

Thanks for all the lovely comments everyone. I love reading what you think of this! Yes, that's a hint. I know, I'm very subtle.

**It's fluffy... especially the beginning. The end not so much. **

* * *

Chapter 13: Benefits

**Bella**

"Okay, tell me _everything_!" Alice said, while bouncing up and down on my couch. I rolled my eyes.  
"I don't really know where to start," I mumbled.  
Alice slapped my arm.  
"Just start somewhere, anywhere!"  
I sighed out loud and started my story.

"Well, I guess it started Saturday night after the party. He walked me home because you stole my bike, which I still need back by the way, and stayed for hot chocolate afterwards. I told him I felt like I was using him, because I was only alone with him whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on…"  
"You _told_ him that?! Are you _crazy_?!" Alice yelled.  
"Alice, cut me some slack here, come on."  
Alice relaxed again and shrugged, a little irritated. I went on.

"We made an agreement we would be real friends now, not just cry buddies. And since he was now my official friend, I decided I should tell him about my mom."  
Alice's eyes widened, but she kept quiet.  
"So I asked him to come over on Sunday and I told him. I cried and I told him. He was being really sweet and he didn't take off. That's when I knew he meant a lot to me, even though I haven't known him for such a long time."  
Alice nodded, while putting an arm around me. That made me smile.

"I asked him to stay over, because whenever I'm around him I feel safe. Not simply safe, but really safe. Like nothing can hurt me. Call me crazy, but I _do_ feel it. There's no denying it. We decided to make pancakes and he simply sucked at it which led to a mess. Somehow we were hugging each other and that's when that _tension_ was there, you know?"  
"Trust me, I know _that_ kind of tension," Alice said, a little smug.  
"I wanted to kiss him. I didn't know why but I wanted to," I could feel myself turning red while saying the word 'kiss'. "He seemed to want it too, but then I froze. I don't know what happened but I chickened out and ran upstairs."  
Alice looked at me not approving.  
"I know, that was not cool. Anyway, he still stayed over and things were getting back to normal again. Until the next morning, when his dad stopped by. He had to hide in my room and when I came to tell him that the coast was clear I wanted to kiss him again."

My best friend was so excited at this point that it was scary.

"I told him a few things which led to him kissing me. And I liked it. That's it."

The excitement was gone.

"_That's it_? Seriously, Bella, I'm going to need details."

I started fidgeting with my fingers. I felt uncomfortable telling details about _that_ to Alice. I pushed a guy into a tiny room at school and kissed him shamelessly, and I was nervous about this?

"It just felt… good. It was very smooth but in a good way, I guess. That's it, Alice, really."

She clapped her hands like a little kid that had just gotten candy. "I'm so happy for you! Are you guys now dating or what?"  
"I guess not…" I didn't know, really. I continued: "I mean I want to see him every day and be with him, but I have that with you too and it's not like I'm in love with you. What Edward and I do and have just feels good, feels right. But I don't know what _I_ feel. I guess that right now we are not going to date but continue this and see where it goes."  
"You guys are so perfect together. A little weird I must say, but perfect in your own way. Figure things out, Bells. I can see this guy's crazy about you."  
I smirked. "Thanks a lot."

We talked about her and Jasper from then on. Mostly about the sex and the kissing. I felt nauseated afterwards.

"Really, Alice, too much detail," I said, while being grossed out. "I don't want to picture you doing things with him. It's just horrible."  
"Lucky you, I won't be bothering you again tonight. I promised I would meet him at ten so I gotta go!"  
She hopped off the couch and put her jacket on.  
"Oh, I parked your bike outside, do I need to get it in the garage?"  
"Nah, that's okay," I said, while opening the door for her.  
She turned to me one more time.  
"Bells, figure things out with Edward. Make sure this is what you both want or someone will end up getting hurt, okay? I'm really happy for you though. You can use a good guy to practice your kissing skills with."  
I rolled my eyes, while Alice gave me a kiss on my cheek and walked away. She was a weirdo, but she was right. About the first part, anyway.

I decided to turn in early tonight, the weekend and first day of a new school week really wore me out. I took one last look in my mother's room before I crept under the covers. I was off to dreamland within seconds.

**Edward**

I was practicing on my guitar, still making my way through the Rock section of the book. This sounded really fucking good. I felt fucking good. Everything had been great today and I didn't have many of those days.

While making some serious noise I thought about Bella. The way her little fists clenched my jacket, her tiny nose crushed into my cheek while her lips pressed kisses on mine. Fuck, it was amazing.

I heard a knock on my door.

I stopped playing and hung the guitar up on the wall again.

"Hello, Edward," Esme said while getting inside my room and sitting on my bed.  
"Hey," I said back to her.  
"I didn't see you yesterday and today, honey, how are you?" she asked, while laying her hand on my knee.  
"I'm doing good, how was your weekend with Carlisle?"  
She was surprised I actually answered a whole sentence _and_ asked about _her_ life.  
"It was amazing, thank you, dear. Did you have fun at Jasper's place? That's where you were, right honey?"  
"Yeah, he's a cool guy. I stayed over yesterday, that's why I didn't come home."  
Esme nodded. "Next time let me know, okay? You know how worried I get when I don't know where my babies are."

I sighed.

"I'm sorry. Correction. Where my two grown-up young men sons are," she said, while laughing at her own words. She continued to talk. "I notice you are really happy today, Eddie. I love it when you smile so much. You should do that more often."  
_Thank Isabella Swan for that, Esme.  
_"I'll leave you alone now, you have to get ready for school. Emmett's already off to school with his girlfriend. Her name is Rosalie, isn't she nice? A very pretty girl, too," Esme said, apparently happy with Bigtit.  
"There are a lot more pretty girls than Rosalie in this town, Esme," I snorted. Bigtit was just a fucking whore.  
Esme smiled, rubbed my back once more and then left my room.

***

The bell rang. Finally. I hurried my ass down to math class.

There she was, already sitting at our table. My heart skipped a beat and I felt like a fucking loser but I didn't care.

I pinched her neck softly, while I walked behind her to my seat. She smiled and blushed a little. God, I love this girl.

"How are you?" I asked, I was genuinely interested.  
"I'm okay. Are you coming to my place right after school?" she asked, her eyes eager.  
"Yeah, sure. You need a ride?" I offered.  
"No, I have my bike back. But your classes end before mine, so it wouldn't have worked anyway."  
"Alright, how is…"

I got cut off.

"Silence!" Mrs Lanette was showing off her vocals. Awesome.

After ten minutes I felt her little hand on my knee, just like yesterday. Again it held a note.

_Act like you have to pee and have to go to the bathroom._

I looked at her. She didn't look back but stared at her book. I decided to simply obey, because that's what I do when Bella asks me something. I was such a pathetic moron.

"Yes, Edward?"  
"Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked, while trying to read Bella's expression.  
"Can't you wait 'til your next class, Cullen?"  
Bella kicked me under the table.  
"_Ow!_ No! No, I really have to go."  
She sighed. "Fine."

I walked into the hallway, not having a clue of where to go. I decided to just wait around the corner for Bella.

Two minutes later, Bella finally came out.

"Come with me," she whispered, while taking my hand.  
She walked me through the empty hallways to that same tiny room, just like she did yesterday. I knew what she wanted and I wouldn't be one to complain.  
"You couldn't wait until this afternoon?" I asked, frankly a little smug with myself, while shutting the door.  
"No," she simply stated.

She didn't hesitate anymore and threw her arms around my neck. I placed my hands beneath her perfectly round butt and lifted her, without effort.  
"This is new… I like it…" she said, smiling. I smiled back at her, but she already crushed her lips to mine.

They moved around each other, sometimes with little licks. Our tongues wrestled while nobody won. She felt great.

She held on to me so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe, but it was all worth it. I could tell she wanted to continue this, but we were already gone for over five minutes and Mrs Lanette would get suspicious.

With regret already, I placed my finger on her mouth while she breathed against it heavily. "We have to get back, or we'll both get in trouble," I said, looking at her lips pushed to my finger. She pouted, then kissed my finger and I placed her on the ground again.  
"You go out first," she said, "I'll see you in class."  
I kissed her forehead and ran to class.

Bella had seriously messed up my hair with her fingers. I had sex hair. Nobody seemed to notice though.

I worked on my assignment and broke out of my concentration when Bella came to sit beside me again. She smiled again, blushing. Why the hell did she blush _now_? Why not two minutes ago when she was eagerly kissing me? It made me laugh.

"What did you say anyway? To Mrs Lanette, I mean?" I whispered, still focusing on the numbers in my book.  
"That I just had my period," she whispered back to me, smiling proudly.  
I shook my head in disbelief and she made me smile once again.

We didn't talk during that class anymore, we simply smiled at each other. Sometimes she blushed and it made me feel all those stupid fucking butterflies inside my stomach.

The bell rang and we both started packing our stuff.  
"I'll see you in an hour," she said, smiling at me again with her red cheeks. Girl had a dirty mind.  
I simply smiled and walked out of class.

American History dragged on and every time I looked at the clock it seemed to go slower. Fuck, why couldn't it be three o'clock already?

I decided to actually pay attention to what my teacher was saying, so time would pass by faster, but then Jasper and Alice started kissing. They blocked my view and I couldn't see a fucking thing.

I kicked Jasper's chair.

"Hey man, what the fuck?" he whispered while he turned around and looked at me annoyed.  
"Could you two get a room already? I'm trying to pay attention here," I replied, annoyed out of my mind too.  
"Edward, you never pay attention. What is your problem?"  
_Ugh._  
"Never mind."

Finally after what seemed three hours the bell rang and I actually started running to my car. Because that's how pathetic I am. Wanting to see Bella Swan even if I had only see an hour ago.

Traffic was slow, but Forks was small so it didn't take long for me to get to her house. I knocked on her door and she opened it within seconds.

Fuck, those eyes. I could feel my smile widen when I saw her.

"Come in," she said, already in her sweatpants but I didn't fucking care.

I eagerly closed the door and walked behind her to the couch. The couch really was our spot. Cheesy but I didn't care. It was comfortable and soft, just like her.

She asked me if I wanted something to drink but I said no. _No, but I would like it if you kissed me now._She came to sit next to me and I put my arm around her. She pulled my shirt so I had to sit closer to her. Her little arms made their way on my waist. We held each other that way for a few minutes.

Bella suddenly got up and stood before me. She looked at me intensely and then slowly sat on my lap. Face to face.

We both didn't say a thing.

She rubbed my chest and after that her hands found my hair again. We were really close right now. I had my hands on her soft thighs.

I could feel myself getting fucking horny if my hands stayed that way and made circles around her thighs, so I simply placed them on the couch. Getting a boner in front of Bella would be a little bit too much right now.

She moved closer, shifting her weight towards me more. I was glad I didn't have my hands on their previous place because I would be fucking hard right now if they were.

She kept her eyes on mine, she didn't even look nervous or scared. Determined, that was the right word.

"Come on… Kiss me," she whispered, a few inches away from my lips.

I couldn't control myself anymore.

My hands automatically shot to her thighs, but I had just enough reasoning to place them to her back.

She still had her hands in my hair, pulling me towards her.

It was a matter of seconds before our lips mended together. Fuck, this felt so good.

We kissed rougher than previous times. I could feel the lust from her tongue and the way she pulled my hair. I would be fucking bald after five years of this.

And then she fucking moaned. Into my mouth.

I knew I needed to stop because I started to feel my man stand up for itself and I knew she wasn't ready for that and to be quite frank I wasn't either.

I started to end our kisses. When our lips weren't mashed together anymore I closed my eyes and let my head rest.

She didn't move from my lap. Instead she started placing little kisses on my neck and just below my ear. Fuck. I really had to stop this before it got out of hand.

I opened my eyes, cupped her head between my hands and gave her a long, simple kiss on her lips. Then, to break the mood, I said: "I have to pee."

I knew I would be fucking slapping myself later today because of breaking this off. What fucking moron would stop Bella from kissing him. God, I hated moral senses.

She stood up again, giving me room to walk away to the bathroom.

I splashed some water in my face and I promised myself I wouldn't let it get that far anymore. Not for myself anyway. I couldn't be having a fucking hard in front of her.

When I came back she laid on the couch, her favorite blanket covering her body.

I went to sit on the ground before her, my back against the couch, so she could rest a little. She had turned the tv on, we were watching a movie on channel eight.

I felt her tiny fingers caressing my hair. This was a whole other thing, compared to the pulling she did earlier. I wouldn't complain about either ways she touched my hair. She was the only one who had the right to touch my hair. If other people did this kind of shit to my hair I would've fucking punched them.

I didn't really like the movie but Bella seemed to, considering her little giggles now and then. It was already five o'clock and I knew Esme would like it if I got home for dinner. I decided that when the movie end, I'd go home.

We were watching the credits now.  
"I need to go home," I said, while turning around to look her in the eye.  
"Why?" she asked, a little startled.  
"I haven't really seen my parents much this week and I know Esme would love it if I just had dinner at home."  
She nodded, saying: "You're a good guy, Edward."

She threw the blanket off of her and threw me my keys to the Volvo. I started to walk toward the door but she called me back.

"Edward?! Crap, I almost forgot! Do you have another more ten minutes?"  
I walked back into the big living room.  
"I guess, what's up?"  
"I have to talk to you about this. Not because I wanted to, but because of Alice and kind of because she's right," she stated, fumbling with her fingers.  
"About what?" I asked, oblivious.  
"This. Us."  
_Shit. Was this the part she was going to tell me that it was all a mistake?_

She took my hand and led me back to the couch, where we both sat down.

"I like kissing you. A lot." She blushed again.  
I simply smiled, still worried about what was going to come.  
"I want to be with you in that way, you know. But I don't think I'm in love with you. And if you love me, then I don't think this could work. It would be kind of a friends with benefits thing? You know that?"  
"I'm… familiar with the concept…" I said, feeling like shit.  
"Do you love me?" she asked, with those big brown eyes boring into mine.  
"N-no…"_ YES YES YES!_  
"Do you want to keep doing this, then?"  
"Yeah…"_ Yes I want to keep kissing you but I want you to love me back. Fuck.  
_"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah. It's cool." _No. I'm not fucking sure about anything anymore, Bella._

She kissed my cheek and said: "Okay. That was what I wanted to talk to you about. You can go now, if you still want to."  
I felt fucking confused. "Yeah… I should have dinner at home. I'll erh… see you at school."  
"See you tomorrow!" she said, while I walked outside to my car.

I raced home. I felt like I was in a fucking Formula 1 game. If the police would catch me here I would be fucking screwed.

It was only a quarter past five, so Esme wouldn't have dinner ready for forty-five minutes. I rushed upstairs and closed the door to my bedroom behind me way too hard.

I sat on my bed, with my hands covering my face.

I wanted to be with Bella this way too, just like she wanted. But I wanted her to love me. Maybe she loved me in a friends way. A friends with benefits way. But I needed her to love me more. And if the choice I've got to make is between not being with Bella at all, knowing she doesn't love me and being with Bella and kissing her, knowing she doesn't love me, I would be happy to take the last option. Even if it hurt like a motherfucker.

I grabbed my guitar and began to play a random song. It was something I never played before and it actually sounded good. I got my notebook and wrote the chords down. Maybe, someday, I would actually write a song.

I played the guitar for a little while, with Bella still lingering around in every corner of my mind. Then Esme called to have dinner.

When I came downstairs the smell of macaroni with cheese surrounded me.

"This looks amazing, honey," Carlisle said while kissing Esme on her forehead.  
"Thanks, sweetie," Esme answered, her eyes full of little twinkles.  
"Ugh. You're _old_! You're not supposed to be this close in public!" Emmett whined.  
"This is not in public, Emmett, we are at home and we can do what we want in here," Carlisle pleaded while taking a few bites of his food.  
"Whatever. Please do us a favor and don't kiss in front of us." Emmett again.  
Carlisle and Esme both ignored him.

"So, darling, how was school today? Did you see Jasper after school today again?" Esme asked me then.  
I wasn't fully there with my mind.  
"Erh… No, I just lingered around at school with some other people."

Emmett looked at me and I know he was about to tell them I wasn't at school 'til five. I shot him a look that said 'please don't' and he kept quiet. Thank God. I didn't need any other shit today.

"Did you have fun?" Carlisle asked, just to be polite.  
"It was okay."

We ate the rest of our dinner in silence. Sometimes Emmett would look at me. Probably to check what the fuck was wrong with me. But I wasn't going to tell him.

After I'd done the dishes together with Esme, I went upstairs to my room again. Only five minutes later I heard someone knock on my door.

"Come in," I said, with a chagrinned face.

It was Emmett.

"Hey man, what's up? Why did you lie to Esme and Carlisle just now? Are you in some kind of trouble or something?"  
He was rambling, which meant that he was worried about me. Softie.  
"I'm just not having my day today. Thanks for backing me up, though."  
He tapped me on my back. "You're welcome. Anything I can do for you, bro?"  
"Nah, it's nothing. I'll probably feel better tomorrow."  
"Let me know if you want to play the Playstation or something, to get your mind off of things," he said. Sometimes he could be a good brother.  
"Thanks."  
Emmett nodded and left my bedroom.

I let myself fall down on the bed and closed my eyes.

***

I looked at my side. Shit. 4:30 in the morning? I still had my normal clothes on. Fuck. I fell asleep last night. Well, that was a lie. It wasn't even night, it was fucking seven o'clock in the evening.

Changing to my pajamas wasn't worth it anymore for those few hours I still had left to sleep, so I just stayed in this clothing and closed my eyes again.

***

This time I woke up because of my alarm.

**Bella**

I was running late. I spent way too much time in my bed this morning. I quickly brushed my long hair, grabbed a cookie for breakfast and hopped on my bike.

I saw Edward's car parked, next to Jasper's car. That made me think. We should do something together again. All of us. Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and me. That would be fun. I promised myself I was going to suggest it to Edward today.

"Hey girl!" Alice said, while I almost ran her over.  
"Watch out! I can drive a bike but I'm still clumsy as heck, Alice," I replied, locking my bike.  
"Did you talk to Edward last night, about, you know?"  
She didn't seem to think I had.  
"Yes, in fact I did."  
"Really?"  
"Yes."  
"So? What's the deal with you two?"  
I could see she'd been anticipating this moment since this morning, so I decided to let her wait a little longer and build up the tension.

"You know…"  
This was fun, I was all she could see right now.  
"…we just talked about it and…"  
I could barely contain myself from laughing at her. It was kind of pathetic that you would wait all morning to hear about something stupid like this. But I guess that's what teenagers do.  
"…we decided…"  
Still, it is pathetic.  
"…that we're going to be…"  
I went silent for a moment.  
"Oh my God, Bella, just _tell _me!"

I laughed really, really hard. Alice looked at me insulted.

"I'm sorry, hon, but you're just really cute if you're that curious."

She didn't seem to appreciate my laughter.

"Friends with benefits."

Her jaw dropped to the floor.

"Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are friends with benefits? Are you going to do the whole sex thing with him too? Are you sure this will work? Someone is going to have feelings for one another, you know."

"No, it doesn't always have to be that way, Alice. I asked him if he was in love with me and he wasn't. Problem solved. We both get to kiss a little bit and no, I'm not going to have the sex thing with him." _Not yet, anyway._"Well… If that's what you both agreed on. I think it's a bad decision but it's your life, Bells," Alice said, shrugging as if I'd done some horrible thing.  
"Don't give me that, Alice. You have been fucking Jasper senseless even though you guys weren't even together," I sneered at her.  
"And that's the difference between you and me, Bella. You're a good girl, you shouldn't waste your body and time on someone you don't love. We both know I'm a slut. You're going to have good future, a husband and loveable kids. I'm not that person. I would hate to see it, if you turned into another me and throw away your chance at a good life with someone you actually love. That's all."  
Then she turned around and walked away.

_Ugh_. Why did she have to sound so _wise_ sometimes? I hated that.

But, Edward and I had agreed on this and I was going to prove Alice wrong. This would work, for the both of us. I wouldn't become a slut and I would still have a lovely husband and kids in ten years.

* * *

**Comments are better than Edward wanting to be with Bella despite everything she said.**


	14. The truth

**A/N**

**I know, I know, Edward and Bella friends with benefits and that's it? Who'd think that's gonna work? Right. Me neither.**

**That's why I wrote this chapter.**

**I'm sorry for the delay, but I have been on vacation for a week without any access to internet. I hope this chapter makes up for it, let me know!**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 14: The truth

**Edward**

Weeks gone by and I felt more like shit every stinking day. I was around Bella's almost 24/7 except during school. She'd ask me to come over after school and most of the time I'd spend the night. Every day the same routine. Make out, feel like shit, fall asleep with the girl of your dreams within your arms but yet so far out of reach. I couldn't fucking take this anymore and I decided I was going to tell her. If today was like any other day she'd ask me in a few hours to come to her place. And of course I was going to say yes.

I made my way to Mrs Lanette's class room and sat down on my seat. I saw Bella approaching me, going through my way while she walked past me and sat down next to me. I smiled but didn't say a thing. It felt so fucking good to have her be the one to mess my hair up, but it also felt like fucking torture because she didn't mean it the way I wanted her to mean it. It made me heave a sigh and I turned my head down.

"You okay?" I heard a soft, little voice beside me whisper.  
Shit, if this was so hard already how was I going to survive this afternoon?  
"Yeah, it's nothing."  
"Do you want to come over later?" I heard the same voice ask.  
I looked beside me, seeing those beautiful, big brown eyes and I felt like drowning again. Then she smiled and my heart dropped.  
"Yeah," was all I could choke out.

We didn't talk for the rest of the hour.

The bell rang and she happily said: "See you soon, Edward!" while she went playfully through my hair again. I swallowed hard.

I dragged my ass down the hallways of Forks High and got through the last period today. I numbly got into my Volvo and raced down the familiar road to the Swan residence.

The green trees, the dirty roads and the rain all passed me but for some reason I couldn't exactly see them. My mind was somewhere else.

I knocked on the white wooden door I've gotten to know all too well these past couple of weeks. Of course Bella was there within seconds, eager to let me in.

"Hey, you!" she said and made her way into the living room, with a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. I simply nodded and followed.  
"You want some too?" she asked, while she pointed to her cup.  
"No, thanks," I said, nervously fidgeting with my hands.

She was silent for a moment.

"Okay, what's wrong? You've been acting weird, Edward. Not just now but the last two weeks or something. What's up?"

Her words came out in a rush and I had too little time to process it all.

"I… erh…"

She took my hand. It made me feel shittier than downright shit. I looked down, at our hands, intertwined. Then I looked up and saw her watching our hands too. Her gaze went to my eyes and she closed them, leaning in to me. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for what may be the last kiss I would ever have with her.

Her lips softly pressed against mine and it hurt. It just fucking hurt. She loosened her hand from mine and made her way to my hair. I cupped her face in my hands and placed a few soft kisses on her lips again. Fuck, the way she tasted was fucking delicious. I let my tongue trace her upper lip one short time and what followed was a sweet, wet kiss.

When I stroked her cheek gently with my thumb while leaning back, she opened her eyes and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back, even though I felt hollow.

I needed to tell her. Now.

"I love you."

I still had her face caught between my hands so I could look at her. She blinked a few times and then started laughing.

"Okay, what's the punch line?"

I placed one finger pressed to her mouth so she was quiet again. I decided to tell her again.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. I am in love with you."

Now she seemed to take it seriously.

"You… can't…"

I knew I hoped for the _I love you_ _too_, even though I knew she wouldn't, but when she didn't say it, it still stung like hell. I dropped my hands from her face.

"Is that why…?" she asked, careful.

"Why I've felt horrible these last couple of weeks? Yes. I can be with you, but I can't. I want you and I have you, but at the same time I don't. That's really fucking hard, Bella."

She didn't even react to my cursing. I felt an impulse to just let everything I held in for so long flow.

"I don't think we can work this out, Bella. I know _I _can't. I'm fucking broken. I really am. And I know that sounds really lame, especially for a guy, but I can't do this anymore. I love you, I love the way you smell, I love the way you smile, you talk, you kiss me… I love all of you."

I saw tears welling up in her eyes. I instinctively grabbed both her hands. She didn't pull them away, but she took my hands too.

I decided to ask her. I already had everything to lose, I could handle this.

"Could you… love me too? The same way I love you?"

One tear fell from her eye and she looked at our hands again. I bit my lip.

"Edward…"

She looked up to meet my eyes and I knew her answer. She was about to speak again but I silenced her.

"It's okay, don't worry about it."

I loosened my hands from hers, kissing her palm while looking her in the eye.

Then I left.

I didn't even know why but it was too fucking much to handle. The pain built up in my chest and I drove home, without noticing anything going on.

**Bella**

He… loved… me. Edward Cullen was in love with me. I sure as heck didn't see that one coming.

Here I was, sitting on _our _couch, sobbing over the guy who was in love with me.

Did I feel the same? I didn't think so. Did I? No…

But I had to do something. I needed him to feel better. Maybe we could try.

No we couldn't, because I didn't feel the same. At least that's what I thought. Right?

Without thinking twice about it, I hopped on my bike and drove through the pouring rain. At first I just wanted to clear my head but somehow I ended up at _his_ house.

Esme opened the door.  
"Well, hello dear. Can I help you with something?"  
She was such a nice person. Just like Edward…  
"Yes, erh, is Edward here?"  
"I think he's upstairs," she said, smiling lovely and opening the door for me.

I knew where his room was. I opened it without knocking.

He sat on the ground. He had his hands in his hair and when he looked up to me I saw that he was crying. Edward Cullen, crying. God, I had no idea this was so hard on him.

I hesitated in the doorway for a second when he looked into my eyes. Hurt and pain was all I saw.

"Oh, Edward!" I cried out, running toward him, crushing down on the ground too.

My arms flew around him and I caressed his back while he cried. His head laid on my chest. He didn't push me away but he didn't hold me either.

"It's okay, you can hold me. Just let it all out, it's okay."

He still didn't.

I grabbed his hands and placed them around my waist so he was hugging me. I went through his hair and made sure he felt loved, safe. At least that's what I hoped I did.

This reminded me of the first time I came into this room. He soothed me the way I soothed him now. For different reasons, but still, it felt the same.

Sometimes I mumbled a _'ssh'_ while tears started to well in my eyes too.

We were one fucked up couple.

No one interrupted us for the next two hours. We both sat like this the entire time. My back began to ache but I didn't want to move, because he was still crying and I wasn't going to leave him.

Suddenly he looked up from my chest, his intense gaze boring into my eyes. I dried his tears with my fingertips. I had never seen a man this broken. Not even my dad when my mom left him.

"Do you want to lay down?" I asked quietly, not breaking our locked gaze. He simply nodded.

He was so much more bigger than me but he looked so small when I led him to his bed. I pulled him onto the bed, laying down already. He laid down beside me, tears still streaming down his cheeks. While he looked at me like that I started to feel broken too. Before I knew it I was crying, again.

"Don't cry…" he choked out, his breath hitched.

I didn't respond. I just cuddled up to him, so his head was against my chest again. He didn't need to soothe me, I was here for _him_ now. Not the other way around.

I felt my shirt getting wet from his tears.

About an hour later he stopped crying. I still went through his hair and mumbled sweet words into his ear.

It could have been six o'clock, it could have been eleven o'clock, I didn't know. But I felt him falling asleep. I knew the sound of his breath while he slept like no other. I was afraid to move, terrified to wake him from his peaceful sleep.

But I still needed to take care of my mom.

Alice.

Somehow I managed to get my phone out of my pocket and I dialed Alice's number. She didn't take long.

"Hey, I need your help," I whispered into the phone.  
"Hey honey, what's up, why are you whispering?" Alice said a little worried.  
"I can't tell you right now, but I will. I'm okay. Do you still have my key?"  
Edward moved uneasily against my chest. I held my breath. _Please don't wake up, please don't wake up. _  
"Yeah I have your key. Are you sure you're okay, Bells?"  
I almost made no sound while talking, now.  
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry. I need you to go to my house and help my mom take her medicine. I can't go home until tomorrow. I will tell you everything about this weirdness, I promise."  
"Of course. Call me first thing tomorrow when you can okay? I love you, be careful with whatever you're doing."  
"I love you too, thanks honey."  
I snapped the phone shut and relief washed through me. Edward hadn't woken up. Thank God.

I squeezed him tight one more time and I drifted off to dreamland too.

***

I opened my eyes and I still had Edward in my arms. Asleep.

I didn't care if he slept all day, I didn't care about school. As long as he felt somewhat better than yesterday, that would be more than enough.

I waited for half an hour and that's when Edward woke up. I could tell by his breathing, again. He didn't know I knew.

"Good morning," I whispered in his ear, afraid to scare him.  
He looked up to me, with his eyes still tired of sleep.  
"Hey…" then he looked down again, but he didn't let go of me.

I was glad he didn't.

"Did you get any sleep?" he asked with a muffled voice.  
"Yeah, did you?" I whispered back.  
"I've had worse."

We were silent.

"Didn't my parents come in or something?" he said while breaking the silence.  
"I don't know… Maybe when we were asleep? I didn't hear them, anyway."  
He didn't reply.

"Do you feel better?" I asked, afraid of his answer.  
"Don't ask."  
"Okay."

I sighed. This was so freaking complicated.

He sighed after me, saying: "I don't want to go to school."  
I had a simple answer.  
"Then we won't."

He didn't react, he just closed his eyes and we laid like that for another while.

"Do you want breakfast… or anything?" he said with his eyes still closed.  
"Do you?"  
I wasn't going to do anything he didn't want.  
"Kind of."  
"Alright, we'll fix something."

I went through his hair one more time and then he got up.

He walked downstairs, without talking. He fixed us breakfast without talking. He eat his sandwich without talking. He sat next to me without talking. He was showing no sign of life.

"Edward, talk."

He didn't react.

"I'm serious, talk to me."

He looked at me.

"About what? About how I love you but you don't love me back? I can't do that, Bella, I can't."

Well, at least he showed me some emotion right now. But maybe he wasn't the one that should be talking. Maybe it was me. I didn't say a single word yesterday in response to his words.

"Never mind, you don't have to talk. You only have to listen, okay?"

He nodded without granting me a look. I grabbed his chin and pointed it towards me, so our gazes met.

"I love you, too. I do. But…" he looked away again, but I held his face between my hands so he was forced to look at me, "not in the way you love me. You are one of the most important people in my life and I can't stand to be without you one day. If I ever lose you I will go fucking crazy."

His eyes widened at my cursing.

"You're the kindest person I know, Edward. I don't want to be the one to make you feel this way. Seeing you like this kills me. Because if I want anything, it's for you to be happy. And you're obviously not right now. If you need me to go away or to leave you alone, then I get that and I will. If that is what will make you happy then I'll do that."

I ran out of words.

"I don't want you to go away, Bells. I need you and you need me."

I nodded.

"And, I don't want to be rude, but… how you just described me? That's called love."

I blinked a few times.

"Yes, I said I loved you, but not in the way you love me."  
"Are you sure?" he asked, sudden determination in his eyes.  
"Yes."  
"I'm not. You love me the same way. I didn't believe that until just now. But the way you talk about me, the way you want me to be around. That's not just friendship, Bella, it's not. What you have with Alice is friendship, but this… This is so much more and subconsciously you know that."

My jaw dropped. Was this the same guy I had lifeless in my arms for the past twelve hours?

"How can you say that? You have no idea how _I_ feel, Edward."  
"I do," he said, still that determination in his eyes, "you just told me how you felt, Bella. You love me, with more of you than you realize."

I was still stunned.

"You can't just tell _me_ how _I_ feel, because you have no idea, Edward."  
"I do. And sooner or later you will get it, too."

He seemed a lot happier than yesterday evening and even just ten minutes ago. I loved him in a perfectly normal friendship way, right? Yes. I did.

"You want any more sandwiches?" he asked, suddenly while I was still lost in my thoughts.  
"No… no, thanks. I think I'm going to head home."  
"Okay."

He seemed to have no problem with that now. It was like he brainwashed himself.

I got the keys to the lock on my bike and was about to leave the house, when all of the sudden his hand grabbed my wrist. He turned me around, took my face between his hands and looked at me with such an intense gaze I would've collapsed if he wasn't holding me.

"I love you."

I swallowed hard and I felt like crying, but I didn't.

He looked at my lips and I saw him leaning in. I didn't pull away, because I wanted to kiss him too. I closed my eyes and let him take control.

He took my lower lip gently between his and he sucked a little on it. I felt a weird tingling in my stomach. My hand dropped the key and made its way to his chest. I pulled his shirt so we were closer. My tongue slipped out of my mouth and met his. Again that tingling.

Our foreheads rested against each other and he looked into my eyes intensely.

"See… You love me…" he whispered.

I closed my eyes, gave him one more kiss on his lips and rushed out of the house.

I was so confused. I hopped on my bike and raced home. I felt the rain soaking me but I didn't care.

When I came home I ran upstairs to my mom. This was when I needed her the most. Alice wouldn't do right now, I needed some love from my mother.

She wasn't awake, of course and it would kill me to wake her up.

I just laid down beside her, under her covers and wrapped my arm around her. I didn't cry but the lump in my throat was present.

"Hey, love," I heard a hoarse voice say. I looked up and saw my mom smiling halfheartedly.  
"Hi mom," I said, hugging her tight.  
"What's wrong? Why didn't Alice know where you were last night?"  
She spoke really slow and hard for me to hear, but I understood every word.  
"Edward…"  
"That boy you told me about a while ago?"  
She sounded so ill. I felt guilty for letting her talk, considering the effort she had to do to speak coherently.  
"Yeah…"  
"What happened?"  
She closed her eyes. She looked so tired.  
"He told me he loves me. I… kissed him," I could feel myself turning red but mom just smiled with her eyes still closed, "but I don't love him. I don't think I do. But I'm just so confused because I love him. I do love him. A lot. But not in that way. I think."

She was quiet, I was too.

"I don't know what to do anymore, mom…"

She was silent for a few more minutes and then she spoke:  
"No wonder the boy loves you, Bells. You're the greatest person I know and I love you with all of me. Now, what do you feel when you kiss him?"  
I felt embarrassed.  
"Mom…"  
"Come on, you can tell me. I've been your age too and I kissed guys too. It's not a crime. Tell me."  
Somehow the determination in her voice pulled through.  
"I feel… whole. Like some part of me gets ripped away when he's not around. He makes me feel special. He makes my stomach feel funny whenever he touches me. He listens to me, he's always there… He's a really, really awesome guy. And I love him."

She was quiet again. Ten minutes passed.

"I think you already know what you feel, love. Don't be afraid to admit it to him."

Was she saying that I loved him back in the way he loved me? She was, wasn't she?

"You think I'm in love with him?"  
Her slim hand brushed my cheek and I closed my eyes to really feel it.  
"Yes, and that's totally okay. Don't run away from what you feel because it's something you've never felt before. It's going to be great, Bells. You're in love with him. Just think about it, okay?"

Those few sentences took her five minutes. But I didn't mind, I would wait for her words forever.

"I'm… still confused. But… I'll think about it, I guess."

She didn't say anything about it after that.

"Love, I have to ask you…" she suddenly began after fifteen minutes of just laying down and breathing slowly. I had a feeling I knew what this was about. I swallowed.  
"When do you think… you're ready to let me go?" her tired voice asked me.  
"Not right now, mom. I was doing really good, even if I say so myself, but this whole thing with Edward made me realize that I need my mother."

I hated to talk about this. Why couldn't she just get better and be the best mom in the whole wide world? Life was so unfair.

"How is the scrapbook?" she then asked.  
"It's okay, I didn't really have time to work on it anymore but I will later today."  
"Show me the progress, okay, love?"  
"Of course, mom. I love you," I said, a sign that she could go rest and wouldn't have to talk anymore because it exhausted her.

A soft _I love you, too_ came from her mouth and she fell asleep within seconds. But I didn't go anywhere, I just laid beside her until I felt good enough to get up and walk downstairs.

**Edward**

I was in my room playing the guitar, when I heard a knock on my door. I hung the guitar on the wall and opened the door. Carlisle.

"Hello son, can I come in?" he asked, a smile on his face.  
"Yeah, come on in," I replied, asking myself why he would come see me here.  
"It's a little less crowded here than last night," he said while sitting down on my bed.  
"What do you mean?"  
Fuck, so my parents did come in? Shit. They wouldn't understand.  
"I'm talking about Bella Swan, Edward. When your mother said there was a pretty girl looking for you yesterday and she hadn't gone home in the evening, I decided to go check. I didn't want one of your flings to sleep over, because you shouldn't be that guy…"

I rolled my eyes.

"… But when I came in, I saw you sleeping in her arms. And you both had your clothes on, which surprised me…"

Now _he_ looked uncomfortable.

"…Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't mess around with that girl, Edward. She's more breakable than you know. I know I shouldn't tell you this, but remember that story I told you about that girl and her sick mother here in…"

I didn't let him finish.

"She told me, Carlisle. I already know it's her. I love her, I'm not using her."

It looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his head. I rolled my eyes. It bugged me when he thought I was only capable of having sex with a girl and then leave her. Okay, that was what I did in Miami, but I didn't do it here. Not with Bella.

"And for your information, I haven't had sex with her. We're not there yet. She's figuring out her feelings for me but I know she'll come around. She loves me, I know she does."

Carlisle was still stunned.

"I'm serious."

Apparently the numbness of Carlisle faded and he started talking again.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing? If you two get involved with each other, you have to be really careful. Her mother is about to die and she couldn't handle you breaking up with her or hurting her, you know that right? Are you sure you love her?"

He was worried about her. That was good, but it wasn't good that he thought I didn't worry about her too.

"Dad," the word felt weird to say, but I continued, "I've never been so sure of anything my entire life. I am wretchedly in love with this girl. I'll be there every single time she needs me. I'll help her when her mom passes away. I take care of her when she cries…"

I wasn't finished with my explanation, but he cut me off.

"When she _cries_?" he asked, full of disbelief.  
"Yes, she cries when I'm around. I don't know, it's weird, she only does when she's around me."  
I didn't know if Bella wanted Carlisle to know that, but I decided it was okay to tell.  
"Huh," was his only response.

"She's going to be here a lot, whenever she acknowledges her feelings. I'm there a lot. I love her, she loves me."

Carlisle nodded.

"It's good to hear you love her, son. But I'm asking you to be really careful with her. She's not some… some… _bimbo_, like the ones in Miami. She's different, she has issues."

"I have issues and she's never been a _bimbo_ to me. She's beautiful and lovely. At first I thought she didn't feel the same about me. But then I heard her talk about me this morning and it is obvious she's in love with me, she just doesn't know it yet."

"She has more things to think about, Edward. Don't push her," he said, serious.

"I'm not pushing her, Carlisle. I'll give her all the time in the world."

Carlisle got up from my bed, a little confused looking. "Be careful."

"I will."

When he got out of my room, I started playing my guitar again and I felt so much more happier than these last couple of weeks. Bella Swan is in love with me, I know it.

**

* * *

**

**Comments are better than Edward's determination towards Bella's feelings.**


	15. I want more

**A/N**

**Another cutesy chapter. Especially the ending will make you happy, I hope. This whole chapter is written in Bella's POV.**

**Oh and this is not the last chapter of Move me, even though the ending of the chapter may seem that way. They've still got a few things to figure out!**

**Let me know what you think!**

* * *

Chapter 15: I want more

**Bella**

I closed the scrapbook. I had been working on it for almost thirteen hours straight. It looked really pretty, especially for such a clumsy person like me.

I was drained for the second day in a row, but at least it was for a good cause. I had to go to school now, though. I couldn't miss two days in one week. People would think I was seriously having a stroke.

I cycled to school and I could almost feel the blue circles around my eyes. That should be pretty.

I locked my bike and I walked across the lot to school. Suddenly a hand grabbed mine.

Edward.

"Hey," he said, smiling at me and not releasing my hand.  
I struggled out of his hold, because he knew I didn't know what I wanted and I don't want everyone asking. With all the work I had been doing on the scrapbook I totally forgot what I had to do about the Edward-situation.

Or maybe I had been avoiding it. Just a little. A teeny tiny bit.

"Hi," I said, not smiling as much as he did.

He was quiet for a second.

"You look like you didn't get any sleep last night."  
"That obvious, huh?"  
"Kind of."

I shrugged and tried to walk past him. But he kept his pace with me.

"What's your first class today?"  
I had to think hard about that. God, I was so out of it today.  
"I don't know... Biology I think."  
"Do you need me to take you home? You look like a mess."  
He sounded worried.  
"Edward, just go to your own class, okay? I can take care of myself."  
"If you say so," he said and walked to the opposite direction.

I sighed. Please don't let him be mad.

Luckily I had Alice to keep me awake during Biology but during American History I had no one. I slipped away and could only hear mumbled voices. Until I heard someone shouting my name.  
"Miss Swan!"

I got up in less than a second. I could feel myself turning red. I probably looked like a tomato right now.

"What is your answer, Isabella?"  
Ugh.  
"I don't know."  
"Maybe you should stay awake the rest of this class to get the right answers, don't you think? Your results aren't the best."  
She was like the meanest person on Earth.  
"Yes."

One thing was sure. I was going to drink loads of coffee during the breaks.

Once the bell rang everyone got their bags and made their way to the cafeteria. I sat down next to Jasper and Rosalie.

I didn't say anything and no one asked me.

"Bella? Do you want to come with me for a second?"  
I looked up and saw those beautiful green eyes. I really had no desire to get up and do something more tiring than sitting up straight. But I sighed and followed Edward's path.

He walked to the gym building.  
"Edward, what are we doing here? I'm really tired and it's cold outside."  
"You'll be warm in a second, come here," he assured me while taking my hand again. I was too tired to put up a fight. Besides, his hand warmed mine up a little.

We were behind the building now and I really started to question this.  
"What are we doing here?" I asked again.  
"Just a few more steps, Bella."  
Then he stopped.  
When I looked really intense I could see a tiny door, probably made for dwarfs.  
It was full of spider webs and other nasty things that I didn't want to touch.  
Edward did, though. He opened the door and crept through it.  
He left me standing there alone.  
"Okay, Edward, I'm glad you got to your destination. I'm going to drink coffee."  
His head popped out of the door.  
"No, come on, get in here."

I was stunned.

"I haven't slept all night and you want me to crawl through a tiny door full of spiderwebs and other grossness?"  
"Yes, " was his simple answer.  
I grumbled, but obeyed.

I tried really hard not to touch anything but the ground, even though that was nasty too.

When I was inside, Edward came to sit beside me.  
"Where are we?"  
"Storage for all the gym devices. No one ever comes here because Mr Duvan always uses the same things he keeps in his office. I found this place a few weeks ago and sat here when it became too cold to sit outside on my bench. I mostly spent my time here when I figured out I loved you and was terrified of it all."  
I swallowed.  
"Anyway, it's nice here, isn't it? There's a soft mat over there. You can lay on there if you want, to get some sleep. I'll wake you up when the bell rings."  
"That's why you took me here?"  
He nodded.  
"Thanks…" I stumbled.  
"You're welcome," he smiled.

I crawled to the mat and laid down on it. It wasn't that soft, but at this rate I could fall asleep on about anything. The only thing I heard was Edwards breathing and I fell asleep to it.

***

"Bella, we have to go, honey," he said and I felt him stroking my cheek.  
I made a sound of defense which made him laugh.  
"You can sleep half an hour after the next two classes. Come on."  
I opened my eyes involuntary. He had his hand reached out to me and I took it. He pulled me up straight and told me to get out first.  
I crawled my way out, onto the dirty ground, out of this room, or whatever it was.

I waited for him to get out too, then we walked to school together.

Words flew by me during the next two classes and I couldn't wait to get some sleep again. When the bell for the second break finally rang, Edward was waiting for me by the door while I was walking out of the class room.  
"Let's go," was the first thing I said and we made our way to the weird room again.

Once we got inside I looked at him apologetically and he said: "It's okay, just go to sleep, I'll wake you."  
I nodded and laid down again.

I couldn't get to sleep as easy as before. It was still cold and I wrapped my arms around myself, with my eyes still closed.

Then I felt something coming to lay behind me. I didn't need to open my eyes to know it was Edward. Or a huge rat. But I went with Edward.

He wrapped his arms over mine, so he was holding me and I was still holding myself, too.  
Then, he whispered in my ear. "Is this a little warmer?"  
I nodded, my eyes still closed.  
His fingers intertwined with mine and I didn't mind. Now, within seconds, I fell asleep.

Time went by way too fast.  
"Bella…"  
"I know, we have to get up," I mumbled with my voice thick with sleep.

I felt the cold creeping up to me when he let me go. Ugh.

"You'll survive the last hour," he said, pulling me up again.  
"I doubt it."

While we made our way back to school, he took my hand and I let him. I realized I didn't tell him why I was up all night.

"I finished the scrapbook," I said, peeking up to see what his reaction would be.  
"Really? That's awesome, Bells!"  
He squeezed my hand extra tight.  
"Do you want to show it to me sometime?"  
I nodded.  
"Not today though, I'm going to sleep until tomorrow morning probably," I said.  
"I figured that out," he smiled at me. It made me smile back even though I was so exhausted.

Right before the entrance of the school, he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead.  
"Get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."  
I didn't even take the time to get mad at him.  
"See you."

I didn't even know how I got to my seat in Science but somehow I did. Alice sat next to me.  
"Where did Cullen take you?" she asked, that eager voice again.  
"Nowhere."  
"Come on, he asked if you wanted to go with him for a second. That guy is head over heels, Bella. Please tell me you know that."  
I sighed.  
"What if I am too?"

Her eyes were about to pop out.

"Are you?" she asked, her jaw on the floor.  
I grumbled. "I don't know. I really, really don't know. I mean, I love him, but..."  
Another voice started yelling right through mine.  
"Isabella! Could you maybe concentrate for twenty more minutes or is that too big of a task for you?"  
"Sorry."

What was it with teachers hating me today?

Alice whispered to me again but I was afraid to turn my head in her direction.  
"Do you want to come over tonight, to talk about it?"  
I know she only wanted to help but I was so tired.  
"I think I'm going to be in a coma whenever I get home."  
Still, I do needed someone to talk to. I mean, I talked to my mom about it, Alice had the right to know too.  
"But I can come with you after school for like an hour or so?"  
"That's cool. It'll be okay, Bells."  
I nodded.

I tried not to fall asleep for another few minutes and _finally_ the bell rang. Freedom. Sleep.

Alice drove to her house by car and I arrived a little later because of wind and rain while cycling. Not my favorite thing.

"Oh hon, you look drained. Do you need a towel or something?" Alice said while opening the door.  
"Nah, I've had worse. Let's just talk, okay?"  
"Okay."

She walked to the red sofa. I felt like a patient waiting for her psychiatrist.  
"What happened? What made you doubt your feelings?" she asked me, her hand on my knee.  
"I don't know… He says he's sure I love him. My mom thinks I love him. And I do, Alice, I really do. But is that enough?"  
I started fidgeting with my sleeves.  
"Do _you_ think it's enough?" Her eyes bored into mine, while asking that question.  
"I don't know… I think... I think maybe we could try? But what if it ends up to be wrong? What if we try and it fails. What if we can't even be friends after that? I can't let that happen, Alice."  
She rubbed my leg a little.  
"Is he the kind of guy that would fight for you? Would wait for you? Would be there for you 24/7?"  
"He already is."  
"Then_ if_ this may fail, he'll still be there. I think deep down inside you know that."  
I nodded.

"Oh, you also promised to tell me what was up with the call about me taking care of your mom for the night."  
I totally forgot to tell her. I'd been so caught up with the scrapbook and Edward and everything. I felt guilty. I had not been treating my best friend well.  
"God, I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you, Alice. I'm really sorry."  
She just looked at me, so I started to tell. I started to tell about how he told me he was in love with me, how I just went quiet and didn't say a thing, how he left, how I wanted to clear my head so went for a ride, how I ended up at his place and how broken he was when I found him there.

Alice was all ears and not even the exciting kind. She looked serious, as if every word I said was precious to her.  
Once I finished my story I was waiting for her reaction. She still had that hard look on her face.  
"Do you want to hear my take on it?"  
"Yes, please."  
"He is in love with you. No, what am I saying, he can _not_ live without you, that's how much he loves you. You love him too, you wouldn't know what to do without him either. But because of the situation with your mother and not wanting to live without her either, you're afraid to commit to him. What if he leaves, too? You can't bear that loss two times."  
I felt a lump in my throat. How could I have never made that connection?  
"But Edward is not your mother, Bells. He is a guy your age that won't go anywhere if you're not with him. He is not ill. He is not going to leave anytime soon. He won't ask you for your permission to let him go. He's not, because he's going to be there for you as long as you want him to. I think you should give it a shot, because it could be great."  
I closed my eyes.

"You, Alice Brandon, are so wise for such a tiny slut."  
She smiled at me, saying: "Be serious, honey, you can make fun of me after that."  
I sighed.  
"You are right. I never realized that the whole situation and my mom had something to do with Edward. But you're right. I need to start taking risks, put myself out there and take chances."  
Alice smiled at me again and then she pulled me in for a hug.

"I love you, best friend," she told me.  
"I love you, too."

She chatted a little about Jasper after that, but if even possible, the talk I just had with me made me even more tired than before. I didn't want to be rude so I kept sitting on the sofa, my eyes closing every ten seconds.

"Okay, you need to go home," she suddenly said.  
"No, no, I'm fine. You were saying?"  
She rolled her eyes at me.  
"I'll tell you tomorrow, now get your ass home and get some sleep. Talk to Edward tomorrow, too."  
"I will. Thank you, Alice. You mean the world to me and sorry if I hadn't been a good friend these past couple of weeks. It's just so… hectic."  
"No need to worry, hon, everything's okay. Come on, I'll let you out."

I gave Alice a kiss on her cheek and raced home. It felt like racing to me, but it took me fifteen minutes to get to the house so I couldn't trust my instincts anymore either.

Once I touched my bed, I drifted off to a nice and peaceful sleep.

***  
_  
Beep! Beep! Beep!_

I looked at my alarm clock. Eight o'clock. Time to get ready for school. I yawned and stretched myself. That was the best load of sleep I had ever had. My muscles were stiff from laying down so long but I really needed it. I could deal with the consequences today, it was totally worth it.

I checked on my mom who was asleep, of course and did all the girly morning things. I devoured my breakfast within seconds and went to school.

Today was the day I would talk to Edward. About _us_.

I didn't see his silver Volvo parked in his usual spot, but I was a bit early so maybe he would be arriving here soon. I went inside because it was raining and I didn't want to get soaked.

The first bell rang and I took myself to my first class that I had with Alice.

"You certainly look a lot better than yesterday," she said, while poking my side.  
I smiled at her.  
"I _feel_ a lot better, too."  
"So, have you seen Cullen yet?" she asked me, eager again. She was the opposite of serious Alice yesterday.  
"No, but I'll talk to him during the breaks. I think."  
"I'm so happy for you!"  
She clapped her hands with excitement.

Then the class started and I was silent, I didn't want teachers all over me again today.  
Luckily the hours went by fast and I was getting nervous. What if he didn't come to school today? Would I go to his house later today? Would I wait for tomorrow? I mean, I hadn't seen him this morning.

I noticed my trembling hands when I walked into the cafeteria. Of course he wouldn't be sitting here, he would be outside. But I walked to my spot first.  
"What are you doing here?" Alice asked me, "Go get your man!"  
Only now I was brave enough to look outside the window to see him sitting on the bench, drawing something with his iPod in his ears.  
I pulled myself together and walked outside, still with trembling hands.

I stood before him but he didn't notice me. I looked at his drawing.  
Woah, he'd only drawn two eyes but I recognized them immediately. They were mine.  
He caught me looking at it and he closed his notebook right away. I acted like I wasn't paying attention to the drawing.  
"Hey," he said, smiling at me.  
"Hi, come with me," I replied with now also a trembling voice. I was so bad at this.

He didn't take my hand and I didn't take his. But still he followed my every move.  
I just walked until we got to the secret room and once we both got inside, I started to ramble.

"Okay, hi. I already said that, but still. Hi."  
He looked at me like I was going crazy. Maybe I was.  
"Okay. Okay. O-kay."  
I was.  
"You said 'okay' four times in one minute… What's going on?" he asked me with a worried look on his face.

"I want to take a chance with you."

The words came out in a rush. He didn't reply to me and that worried me, so I started explaining, still nervous as heck.

"You know, you and me. Together. Like… Alice and Jasper? _NO!_ No, not Alice and Jasper because they barely talk, they just make out. Not that I mind, but it would be nice to talk too, you know so…"  
His hand covered my mouth suddenly so I got cut off. I blinked my eyes a few times at his intense gaze and he dropped his hand. I was afraid to talk now.

"You… want to give it a try? You want to be with me _that _way?" he asked, a little insecure.

Woah, he didn't seem so sure anymore. Shit.

"I thought that's what you wanted, but if you don't, you know, that's cool too."

Again that hand on my mouth.

"Shut it. Of course I want to be with you. Hell, I'd spend every fucking day I have left here on this Earth with you, Bella. But are _you_ sure?"

Where the heck was that coming from? He seemed so sure to know that I loved him a few days ago.

"I thought you thought I was sure," I said, confused by my own sentence.  
"I am sure that you love me that way, yes. But I don't want to force you into anything you're not ready for yet, Bella. That you haven't figured out yet. I love you too much for that."

Was _that_ what he was worrying about?

"I am sure, Edward. I want to be with you. I'm in love with you."

It didn't feel weird to say these words I never thought I'd say to this guy. It felt… _right_.

"Fuck, Bella…"  
He came closer to me and I let out a 'fuck' too.

He smiled and whispered.  
"You curse more because of me and I'm not even doing it a lot around you."  
"I know," I said, while his lips came closer and I wanted to taste them.

Then the fucking bell rang. Seriously? Mood killer.

He sighed. "I guess we should postpone this to the next break."  
"Unfortunately, yes," I answered.

"So it's official? We're a thing? Everybody is allowed to know that you and I are together?" he asked, analyzing the look on my face while he asked me those things.

"Yeah… I'm not going to be open about it though, to everyone. I'm not that kind of person," I said, honest.  
"But they are allowed to _know_?"  
I nodded.

He reached his hand out to me and I took it. It felt good. It really, really felt good. I think I made the right decision.

While we walked into the school, still holding each other's hand, we bumped into Alice and Jasper. Both their looks instantly dropped to our hands. Then Alice hugged us both as if we had won the lottery and Jasper patted Edward on his shoulder, saying:  
"Nice, dude, really nice."

Even by this I already felt uncomfortable as hell. Edward noticed so he said a quick thanks to Jasper and he pulled me away from them.

"Sorry," he mumbled.  
"I guess that's part of it," I said and I knew he wasn't to blame for that.  
"You'll survive," he said, and he let go of my hand.

I was about to ask why but of course he had another class so he was about to let go some time.

"I'll see you in a few hours," he whispered in my ear and then gave me a kiss on my forehead.  
I felt stupid for turning red, just because we were a thing now. I didn't want to turn into a tomato because this was what I wanted. I was going to show myself that I could do this. Fuck all the other people.

Edward walked into his class and was at his teachers desk now but I didn't care. People were going to know anyway.

I ran into his class room and grabbed his arm, so he turned around.

I went to stand on my toes so I could reach his lips. He looked startled but didn't complain.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and I felt his hands on my waist. Then he smiled and I almost collapsed because of all the butterflies in my stomach. It made me smile and I finally let my lips rest on his.

It was short and sweet, but it was what I needed.

After our lips separated and we still held each other, I looked into the class full of students. They looked stunned.

_That's right, Bella Swan is with Edward Cullen, suckers._ "Bye," I then said to Edward, squeezing his hand before walking away.  
"Bye, honey," he replied, that dazzling smile still on his face. I felt the butterflies flying around in my stomach again.

Once I walked out of the room, I felt insecure again. Not about my feelings for him, not anymore.

I had kissed him in front of a class but we still had the rest of the school who were bound to found out. We were going to be one hot topic this week. It was something I had to live with.

I spent the next period answering questions by other kids. Somehow the word had spread really fast and all I heard was whispering around me and people staring at me.

_That weird Swan girl with Cullen? … What the fuck? … It won't last long, have you _seen _him? … I thought Jessica was going after him … Wasn't she messing around with his brother?_ …

I tried to tune it all out but I couldn't.

By the end of the last class I was irritated as heck. What were all these people thinking? They had _no_ right to say those things.

Edward waited for me by the door with a huge grin on his face. It made me smile a little but still I was infuriated. He could tell by my expression.  
"What's wrong?" he asked, while he stroke my cheek with his thumb.  
"Can we just go to that… secret room? I don't want to be around anyone else right now."  
"Of course," he said, a serious look on his face.

He walked next to me, his arm wrapped around my waist. I had my arms folded on my chest.

Once we got inside, I told him everything they had been saying and I was _really_ mad. When I was done ranting, he sighed and said: "They don't know, Bella. They have no clue what we have. They're just kids on hormones and we're more than that. You know that, right? You shouldn't let everything they say about us get to you. It's not worth it because it's not the truth."

He took my head in his hands.

"We both know what's true and people will see it eventually. For now let's just prove them wrong."

I drowned in those green eyes. I felt the butterflies trying to break out of me again. I smiled at him and said thank you.

"You're always welcome, honey."

I closed my eyes and leaned in. His lips touched mine and then pulled back. I let a groan come out and he chuckled. I grabbed his hair because I wanted to kiss him. Bad.

My lips crushed on his and first we just let our lips kiss and feel each other. I wanted more.

I slowly let my tongue out, to touch his upper lip. Now he was the one to groan.

His tongue touched mine softly and pulled back again. We played this game for a while but still I wanted more.

We sat across from each other, but I just wanted to be closer to him. I moved closer, still giving him kisses. Now I sat on his lap, my chest pressed against his. I looked at him and he looked at me like I'd never seen him look before and it actually… _turned me on_. I had never felt that before.

He looked with want, lust and desire. But most of all he looked at me with love and passion.

My hands grabbed his shirt to pull him up to my mouth again and we continued our kissing. The kisses got harder, more aggressive and I didn't even mind.

After a few minutes I was out of breath so I let go of his lips for a moment. He continued to kiss my neck and lick my earlobe.

I kissed him again, with full force. Then the bell rang. Our last class.

We both tried to catch our breath and slowly pulled away from each other. I crawled out of the secret room without talking to him and he did the same. I waited for him to get out completely and we walked back to school, both our arms around each other.

"I fucking love you," he whispered in my ear.  
I looked up at him.  
"I _fucking_ love you, too."

* * *

**Comments are better than Edward and Bella having their own secret room. **


	16. Dinner time

**A/N**

**Thanks for the lovely reviews everyone. From now on I'm going to try to reply to all of them. It makes me happy!**

**So, Edward and Bella are finally together. I know, _finally_! A little bit more smut, but cutesy things too. A little bit more Esme in this one too, because she's just too adorable. The whole chapter is written in Edward's POV. **

**Let me know what you think, I appreciate it!  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 16: Dinner time

**Edward**

"No, please don't do that to me!" No matter how much she pleaded I didn't want _that_.  
"Aw, come on sweetie, I want to meet your girlfriend," Esme pouted.  
"Why can't you just say hi to her whenever she's here? We are _not_ going to have a fancy dinner just for the celebration of us."  
"Make your mother proud, sweetie. This is the first time you have been in love and I want you to enjoy it as much as possible. And I want to enjoy it too."  
Esme looked at me with those big eyes, still pleading.  
I sighed. There was no way in hell I was going to win this.  
"Fine."  
Esme smiled her biggest grin and grabbed my face, saying: "Thank you, sweetie! I love you."  
Then she placed a kiss on my cheek and I turned around immediately, storming to my room.

I decided to call Bella. Normally we didn't do that often, we just stopped by and hang out. But it was late and she was going to Alice tonight. Alice had the right to some private Bella-time too, since I almost took all of Bella's time.

She answered the phone right away.  
"Hey, what's up? You never call," she said. I heard worry in her voice and it made me laugh.  
"Can't I call you just for fun?" I answered playfully.  
"No, you never do. Dish."  
"Yeah, you're right. Erhm. Remember Esme?"  
"Your mom, yes."  
"Right. She wants to meet you."

It was quiet on the other side of the line.  
Then she started to laugh.

"And that's a disaster why?"  
I rolled my eyes. Maybe I hadn't been clear enough.

"She wants to organize a fancy dinner, just so she can meet you. There'll be so much food you'll be exploding afterwards. She'll invite Emmett and Rosalie too. Hell, maybe she'll even invite Jasper and Alice too. It will be like all our friends and us embarrassed to death."

I heard her sigh.

"Isn't that what all moms do, Edward? Maybe it won't be too bad, we'll still have each other."  
"_If_ we survive," I added with a grumble.  
"You're such a drama queen. Are you sure you don't have a vagina down there?"

I snorted. Since we had been together she became much looser, not worrying about what she said and cursing like crazy. It made me admire her even more.

"Pretty sure, yeah. Maybe you want to check?"  
I decided to play along with her twisted game.  
"Nah," I heard her shrug, "I think I won't be impressed anyway."  
My jaw dropped to the floor.  
"_Bella!_"  
Now she started laughing. Loud.  
"You're so easy." Another giggle escaped from her mouth. "Anyway, when is that dinner your mother is planning?"  
Still shocked by her reaction, I answered: "I don't know. Soon."  
"Alright. Let me know when the exact date is planned."  
"I will. Have fun with Alice."  
"Thanks, I'll see you!" she yelled through her phone and the connection died after that.

I got my guitar and played some tunes. I've had an idea in my mind for a song for over three weeks now, but I never quite played it. I decided now was the time.  
I played the song like I had played it a thousand times before. It flowed from my fingers and it fucking made me smile. Of course it was inspired by Bella, everything was these days.

While playing it, the lyrics started to form themselves in my head. I knew I was a terrible singer, so I shut my mouth and just hummed along with the song. The words floating through my mind.

After a while I decided to write the words down, because I didn't want to forget.

As I placed the pen on the paper, my door opened. I dropped the pen instantly.

It was Esme. Please, no more fancy dinners.

"Hey sweetheart," she said, while she sat on my bed.  
"Hi," I said, chagrinned cause I was really into the song.  
"What do you think of tomorrow night for the dinner? Emmett and Rosalie will be here too. Is there someone else you want to invite too? Emmett said his friend Jasper wanted to come too. You've been at his place a few times, right? Does he have a girlfriend, do you know her?"

It went exactly as I predicted to Bella an hour ago.

"Alice is Bella's best friend. That's Jaspers girlfriend."  
She got excited.  
"Oh so you're all a big group of friends? That's wonderful! I'll invite them all! I'm so excited, aren't you Eddie?"  
"Sure."

She clapped her hands and she reminded me of Alice. She did that all the time too, when she was excited. Suddenly I knew for sure she would get along with Alice. Then Esme's look dropped to my guitar, laying on the ground before her feet.

"How is that going?" she asked me, while still looking at the guitar.  
"Fine," I said. The guitar was still an awkward topic for me to talk about. With her.  
"Do you want to play something for me?" she asked with the same pleading look she used earlier today.  
"No."  
"Please."  
"No. You get the dinner already."  
She sighed and said: "You will play for me someday."  
"We'll see."

She got out of my room without saying another word. I was about to write the lyrics to my song down again, but Esme peeked her head around the door again.

"It's tomorrow night by the way."  
I didn't get it.  
"What is?"  
She rolled her eyes at me. "The dinner of course, Edward. Tell your girlfriend."

She was gone again.

I grabbed my phone right away and dialed Bella's number.  
"Are you going to stalk me all night?" she said, laughing.  
"It's tomorrow night already. The dinner."  
"Okay."  
I waited for her outburst, just like I had one. Nothing came.  
"_Okay?_ That's it?"  
"You're really cute when you panic, you know that?"  
"Bella I'm serious. This is going to be the humiliation of _life_."  
"I'm sure you're overreacting."  
"We'll see. Alice and Jasper can come too if they want."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, I told you Esme only did things big."  
"Yeah… Okay, so what time tomorrow?"  
"Come a little early so we can have some time together before the catastrophe?" I suggested.  
She laughed. "You can just tell me you want to make out. I'll be at your place around four, okay?"  
I laughed too. "I'll see you tomorrow. I won't stalk you anymore. Have fun over there."  
"Thanks hon. Bye!"

I sat down again, to finally write the first word to the song down, when Esme called for dinner.

After dinner I tried to write the song, but then Emmett needed me. To play with his Playstation because Rosalie didn't want to. Such big problems.

I actually had fun with him. It had been a while since I had contact with people besides Bella. I knew it wasn't healthy but I just loved the girl so fucking much. The past three weeks, since the day she told me she wanted to be me, had been absolute heaven.

I killed a few more people with massive guns and then I decided it was time for me to get some sleep. To prepare myself for tomorrow night. I would write the song tomorrow.

***

I looked at my alarm clock. Holy shit, I had been sleep a _long_ time. It was one in the afternoon.

Bella would be here in three hours.

I quickly jumped out of bed and changed the sheets. I didn't exactly know why, but we probably would be making out here in a few hours so clean sheets would be a plus.

I went downstairs and wanted to fix breakfast in the kitchen. But the whole kitchen was covered with different kinds of vegetables, meat, pasta and deserts. Fuck.

Esme turned around, with a pan in her hand. "Hey sweetie! Did you sleep well?"  
Still stunned by the mess in this kitchen, I answered: "Yeah… One question though. What are you doing?"  
"I'm preparing the dinner for tonight, sweetheart. Doesn't it look delicious?"  
"It's… a lot. Even for eight people."  
"I want to make sure everyone gets what they wanted. Now grab yourself some breakfast and don't enter the kitchen until after five."  
"No problem," I said, while grabbing two sandwiches.

I went to my room and ate my sandwiches while listening to my iPod. I hummed along with Blue October and Story of the Year.

And apparently I fell asleep.

You would think a human body would've had enough sleep after 14 hours of instant sleeping.

I woke up at three thirty with half a sandwich laying on my stomach. I quickly jumped into the shower and washed my hair. I didn't shave cause I didn't have time anymore.

Just when I pulled my shirt over my head, the bell rang. I ran downstairs to save Bella from facing Esme alone. Esme was almost at the door and I stood beside her. I grabbed the doorknob just before she could. I opened the door.

"Hey," I said, out of breath because of my haste _and_ her beauty.  
"Hi," she said, smiling at me. I smiled back at her and I felt my stomach tingle. Esme looked from Bella to me and back. Then she smiled too.  
"Hello Bella, I'm Esme, we've met before but I wanted to get to know you a little better since you're Edward's girlfriend now. Come in."  
She took Bella's coat.  
"Thank you, Mrs Cullen."  
"You can call me Esme, honey," Esme said, smiling approvingly at her.

Esme walked in front of us and I quickly placed a kiss on her forehead, so she couldn't see. It made me uncomfortable. Bella looked up to me and smiled, while rubbing my back.

Esme turned around and we weren't clamped to each other sides in an instant. Of course she knew we were touching so it was stupid. But whatever.

"You're a little early, Bella, the rest is here in about an hour and a half. I don't want to ask you to help me in the kitchen because you're the guest. I'm sure Edward can entertain you for some time."  
"I'm sure he can," she said, smirking at me.  
"I'll call you kids when the rest is here, okay?"  
"Sure mom," I said.  
"Thank you Esme, it smells delicious in here," Bella said.  
Esme nodded as a thanks and we climbed the stairs to my room.

Once I closed the door I turned to Bella. "You're such a kiss ass."  
"_Why?!_" she yelled.  
I laughed. "_It smells delicious in here_," I said in a high pitched voice.  
"That's _not_ how I sound, you idiot!"  
She slapped my arm and it made me laugh even harder. She laughed with me and kept slapping my arm.  
"I love you, dumbass," I said, while I grabbed her wrist when she tried to punch me again.  
She smiled at me.  
"I love you too, douche bag."

She placed her little hands on my chest and my hands found her waist. She closed her eyes while our foreheads rested against each other. We stood like that for a few minutes. Then I pulled myself back a little and kissed her nose.

She opened her eyes and smiled again. It seemed all she did was smile these days. She looked next to me and probably saw my guitar hanging on my wall.  
"How are your guitar skills?" she asked, while nodding in the direction of the guitar.  
"I wrote a song," I said, not sure whether I should've said that or not.  
"Really?" she asked, her eyes lightening up.  
"Yes."  
"Do you want to play it for me?"  
"I'm kind of… afraid to."

She looked at me like I had just offended her.  
"Why?" she asked.  
"Because it's about you. Us."  
She relaxed again.  
"Then it must be a beautiful song."  
I rolled my eyes.  
"Please play it for me," she said and she kissed my neck.  
"No…"  
Her hands found my hair.  
"Please, honey…"  
She pulled me to her and she breathed on my lips.  
I leaned in a little further to kiss her, but she put a finger on my lips. I looked at her confused.  
"Play for me."  
"If I will, will you just fucking kiss me already?"  
She giggled and it made me fucking want her more.  
"Maybe," she said, "Do you promise?"  
Her hands lowered themselves to my waist, down to my ass. She pushed her lower body to mine and I was sure she could feel my hard.  
She giggled again.  
"Stop playing games, Bella…" I was trying really hard not to fucking kiss her and do other things to her that we weren't ready for yet.  
"Promise me," she whispered in my ear, while she softly kissed my jaw.  
I was sure she could feel me getting more turned on by the second.  
"I promise," I said in one breath and crushed my lips to hers.

I could feel she was getting turned on too and it was weird to me. I never thought _I_ could make Bella Swan feel this way.

We didn't start kissing soft and sweet, all we felt was want. I pushed her to the door and she didn't seem to mind. She lifted her leg and I grabbed it. She could feel my dick against her crotch, I was sure. She moaned. She. Fucking. Moaned.

I lifted her other leg too, so I was lifting her. Her hands twisted around in my hair and she pulled it hard.

"Fuck, you feel so good," she said.

Bella really had been transformed. From the shy girl that never kissed a guy to a breathtaking girl talking dirty to her boyfriend. Holy shit.

I turned around, still lifting her and I walked towards my bed. We were still kissing, moaning and licking each other, when I dropped her onto my bed. Our lips separated and she sat on my bed, her legs widened, out of breath while she looked at me. I had never seen her look at me that way. Suddenly I wasn't sure if I should let the hormones take over.

"Bella…" I said, hesitating to continue where we left of, "I'm not sure if we're ready for this…"  
I could tell she didn't take me seriously. But then again, who would take someone like me seriously? Telling his girlfriend he's not sure if they're ready, with a huge boner in his pants.

"Don't worry, we're not going to fuck, Edward. I just want you here. Now."

She started the dirty talk again. She still sat on my bed, her legs widened so I could lay between them while kissing her. That image did it. Before I knew it, my body lay on top of her and my lips were kissing her everywhere.

She clamped her legs around my waist and she pulled me down a little. My hard was crushed against her private part. She closed her eyes and hissed. The hormones were really taking over her. But I didn't mind, we were not going to fuck or anything like she said. I pushed a little against her and she moaned again. Only now she opened her eyes.  
"Fuck…"  
"I know," I said, exactly knowing what she meant. We both felt so good to each other.

Our tongues met inside her mouth again and it was rougher than our average kiss. I pushed again and she opened her mouth to gasp. Her legs relaxed a little around my waist, so I broke free, afraid of what might happen if she got too turned on. If _I_ got too turned on.

I looked down. My girlfriend, Bella Swan, laying on my bed with flushed cheeks. It doesn't get any better than that.

I pushed her shirt up a bit, so I could see a little skin from her stomach. I kissed right underneath her belly button and her breath hitched. I pushed her shirt a little higher and kissed right above her belly button. Then I rolled her shirt down and kissed her one more time on her lips. She was worn out because of all the intenseness.

I lay down beside her and her hand found mine. She was still trying to catch her breath. "You're a horny, little girl," I whispered in her ear. She giggled and her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of pink.

We laid hand in hand on my bed for a few more minutes and then she rolled over to her side, cocking her head to me. "So, are you going to play for me or what?"

"I guess I kind of promised, right?"  
"You kind of did, yeah."

I got up and took the guitar from my wall. Bella sat up straight. She kissed my cheek and I sighed. She made me nervous.

I concentrated on my guitar only, to pretend I was here by myself, without Bella staring at me. I sighed one last time and my fingers started to play the strings.

I didn't mess up. Luckily.

Once I was done, I was man enough to look up at her. She flashed me her biggest smile. "That was awesome!" she yelled. It made me laugh.  
"Do you have lyrics for it?" she asked then, almost immediately after her yelling.  
"In my head, yeah."  
"Why don't you write them down?"  
"I wanted to, yesterday and today but things got in the way."  
"Why won't you write them down now? We can work on it."

Someone knocked on my door.  
"Come in," I said, not wanting that person to come in.  
It was Alice and Jasper.  
"Hey guys," Jasper said.

Alice waved and went to hug Bella. Alice touched her cheeks, that were still flushed but didn't ask any questions. She did look in Bella's eyes for a really long time, though.

Jasper broke the silence.  
"Wow man, you play the guitar?"  
"Just a little," I answered and I hung it against my wall again.  
"Cool, maybe you can teach me something someday."  
"Maybe."

"How long have you been here, Bells?" Alice asked her.  
"Erh, I was here at four. What time is it?"  
"It's half past five."

Another knock on my door. "Come in."

It was Esme. She looked all happy.  
"Dinner is ready. Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie are already downstairs. Are you guys coming?"  
"Yeah, we'll be right there," I answered, hoping this night wouldn't be as bad as I thought it was going to be.  
Esme closed the door and I heard her footsteps on the stairs.

"Let's go," I said, reaching for Bella's hand.  
She grabbed my hand and hopped off my bed.

It was like fucking Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner combined. That's how much food there was. It was fucking insane. Delicious but insane.

"Woah…"  
See. Even Alice was stunned by the amount of food.

"Esme, you've really… outdone yourself," I said, looking apologetically at Bella for experiencing this. She just squeezed my hand.  
"It looks delicious, Esme, I'm not sure if I can eat all this but I'll do my best," Bella said, smiling at Esme.  
She knew exactly what to say to make Esme feel good about herself.

"This looks good, Mrs Cullen," was Alice's second reaction.  
"Yeah, thanks," Jasper said quickly, not knowing how to react to all this.

"I'm sure my man could eat this all, if you all can't finish." I sighed. Bigtit Rosalie. She probably wouldn't eat more than 20 calories. Bitch. Emmett just grinned and kissed her neck. I bet they were fucking like bunnies ten minutes ago.

"It looks lovely, honey," Carlisle said to Esme and he grabbed her hand across the table.  
I rolled my eyes. Then I shot a look to Bella because I just remembered how weird this must be for her. Her mother's doctor, her boyfriend's father. Ouch.

"Hello, Bella, it's good to see you," Carlisle said, still holding Esme's hands.  
"It's nice to see you too, Dr Cullen," she said, shifting her weight on her chair. I rubbed her back for support.

Everyone had an enormous amount of food on their plate and that's when they started asking Bella questions.

"So, how did you two meet?" That was Esme, of course.  
I looked at her. I didn't know what part she wanted or didn't want to tell so I nodded to her as a sign she could tell her own story.  
"Well, he sits next to me during our math classes and I'm not very good at it. Edward offered to help me a few times. That's kind of how the ball started rolling."  
Alright. The very, very short version.

"Since when are you two officially together?" Rosalie asked, looking at me like I was fucking filth. That bitch.  
"Three weeks. How long have _you_ two been together, without fucking anyone else? Four days?"  
Okay, that was out of line. But Rosalie really did that to me. Esme gasped and Carlisle began preaching. I didn't hear any of it, I was just glad to put Bigtit in her place.

Bella told another few stories about her past, all the time leaving her mom out. I knew why and Carlisle did too. We never spoke about it, though. I actually came to know more about her dad, Charlie, as she was telling the stories. He seemed like a nice guy.

"Ugh, I'm so full," Alice said after half an hour.  
Esme smiled at her. "You don't have to eat anymore, sweetie, save some room for desert."  
Alice smiled back.

Now the attention had drawn from Bella and me to Alice and Jasper. Now they were being bombed with questions about their relationship. I took the chance to talk to Bella, while nobody was looking at us.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, my hand on her knee.  
"Yeah, are you?" she whispered back.  
"Yeah. I'm sorry for all this, you know."  
"No it's okay, it's fun getting to know your family. You're a lot like Esme, even though you will _never _admit that."  
"Right. I'm a woman. Thanks honey."  
She laughed and placed a kiss on my cheek.

I almost had forgotten we were alone. I heard a sarcastic 'aww' coming from the other end of the table. It was Emmett, being the prick he was. I kicked him under the table. At least it made him shut the fuck up.

We endured another hour of jokes about our relationship and then finally desert could be served. Vanilla ice. It made me think of my first dream I had about Bella, the first night we moved to Forks. I just had vanilla ice and she smelled like vanilla too. Bella eating fucking vanilla ice would be so fucking sexy. I tried not to look at her while she licked her spoon.

Vanilla would never be the same.

After everyone had their share of ice, Alice offered to help Esme do the dishes, but she politely declined. We were all guests, even Carlisle, Emmett and me, so she would do the dishes by herself.

"Thanks, Esme. It was lovely," Bella said, while she brought her plate to the sink.  
"Oh no, you don't have to help me, honey. Go enjoy your night, and thank you so much," was Esme's answer.  
Bella nodded and smiled at her.

Emmett and Rosalie went to Emmett's room and I wasn't going to enter that room for another three hours. Jasper and Alice went to Jasper's place, because Alice was tired or something. So that just left Bella and me, again.

She sat on my bed, fidgeting with her fingers. I grabbed her hand, so she couldn't anymore.  
"What's wrong?" I asked.  
She looked at me with those big, brown, beautiful eyes and my heart fluttered.

"I've met your family, Edward. I want you to get to know mine. I want you to meet my mother."  
**

* * *

**

**Comments are better than horny Bella.**


	17. Nice to meet you and goodbye

**A/N**

A little more of Bella's hormones in this one. Edward meets Renee. Edward and Bella talk to Carlisle. Mike Newton makes an appearance too. The lucky bastard.

Let me know what you think, I love to read it all!  


* * *

Chapter 17: Nice to meet you and goodbye

**Edward**

"I don't know, Bella. Are you sure you want this?" I asked her, scared shitless for the upcoming afternoon.  
"I'm sure. You're a big part of me and so is she. I want you to meet each other."  
I sighed. I wasn't going to admit I was afraid.  
"Does she look… ill?" I asked, trying to be careful with her feelings.  
"Yes. But once you start talking to her you'll see past that, Edward. Don't be afraid."  
Of course I couldn't fool her. She knew I was scared as fuck.  
I nodded.

I parked my Volvo in the school lot and we both got out.  
"I'll see you during lunch," she said, while kissing my cheek.  
"Yeah, see you," I said, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair one more time.  
She smiled and walked to Alice, who was waiting for her at the door.

During the first two hours I was trying to picture what a young woman with cancer would look like, so I wouldn't be caught off guard. I knew it was a really shitty thing to do, but I just wanted to prepare. I mentally slapped myself. Stop this shit, Edward. You're going to do this without whining. Be a fucking man.

The bell rang and I walked outside. I saw Bella already waiting for me at the gym building.  
"Hey," I said, pressing my lips to hers softly.  
"Hey," she said back, a little breathless.  
She then took my hand and we went to our usual secret room.

I didn't use the bench outside anymore during the breaks. Bella didn't sit with Emmett, Bigtit, Jasper and Alice anymore. We were together, as we always were, in our own secret room.

Once we got inside, I laid down on a mat, where Bella had fallen asleep a few weeks ago.  
She came to lay beside me, and I stroked her hair, twirling it around my fingers a few times. We weren't tired, we just liked laying down together. Being close.

We didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked her, still staring at the ceiling.  
"The scrapbook…"  
Now I looked at her. She looked broken again. I hugged her tighter.  
"Did you finish it already?"  
She simply nodded.  
"Can I see it some time?"  
She nodded again.

Silence.

"Do you feel like… it helped you letting go of her?"  
She shrugged. "I think so, but I still don't want to, Edward. I really don't."  
I heard her voice crack during the last words. I tried to hug her even tighter, if that was possible.  
"I know, baby, I know."  
"But…" she went on, "I'm going to have to do it some time, right? I don't want to let her suffer anymore. I'm the reason she's still here. I have the scrapbook, I have my memories. I won't forget her. Ever."

I traced my fingers down her spine and she sighed.  
"I think I'm going to tell her it's okay."  
"Really?" I asked, a little startled.  
"Yeah…"  
I saw a tear in the corner of her eye. She closed her eyes and the tear fell. I kissed it away.  
"Do you want to be there when I tell her?"  
Shit.  
"When do you want to tell her, honey?"  
"Well… You're at our place this afternoon anyway, so maybe today?"  
"So it would be like 'nice to meet you, Renee, and goodbye.'"  
She sighed.  
"Look, I want to be there for you. If you want me to support you in this I will. But me meeting her today will probably already wear her down, right? Don't you think you can tell her it's okay later this week? That way you can prepare yourself and maybe Carlisle could come too."

She looked at me. "You're right. Let's survive today first. Do you want to ask your dad if he wants to be there later on?"  
"Of course," I said.  
And as that word left my mouth, the bell rang again.

We both got up without saying a word. We walked towards the school, our hands holding each other.  
I walked her to her class. She was about to go inside, but I quickly took her face between my hands and crushed my lips to hers. When I pulled away, I whispered in her ear.  
"You're an amazing person, Bella Swan. I love you."  
She whispered back. "I love you, too."

It was Monday so we only had another two hours left before I could go meet Renee. The last class I had was math with Bella. She went through my hair before she sat down in her usual seat next to me. She smiled and I smiled back.  
We didn't talk during class, her hand just laid on my knee the whole time. Sometimes rubbing it gently.

Once the bell rang, we both got on our feet and she took my hand.  
"Thank you for wanting to meet her."  
I let my fingers intertwine with hers.  
"Let's do this," I said, determined.

Bella sat in the passenger seat in my Volvo. I could tell she was nervous, she was fidgeting with her sleeves again. When we got to her big white house, I could almost hear her heart thudding.  
"Bella, please. You told me not to be afraid. You shouldn't be either, okay?"  
She turned to look at me. "I know, I'm just… nervous."  
"Well, don't be. It's going to be fine."  
She nodded and got out of the car.

We got into the house and went to the living room first. She was still so fucking nervous. It killed me to see it. I had to do something about it.  
I pulled her up onto my lap and took her face between my hands.  
"Don't be so fucking nervous, honey. Like I said, it's going to be fine."  
She nodded, while her little fists were already in my hair, pulling my face closer to her.

First, I kissed her forehead. I could tell she was smiling. Then I softly kissed the tip of her tiny nose and she let out a giggle. It made me smile too. I touched her lips with my finger and let my lips rest on hers. She pulled me closer, but I had to stop her right there, because otherwise I wouldn't be meeting her mother this afternoon, we would be doing other stuff.

I pulled away gently and asked her something. "Are you a little more relaxed now?"  
"Yes," she said, a halfhearted smile across her face.  
"Alright. Let's go then."  
I got up from the couch and reached my hand out to her. She took it and we walked up the stairs together.

We stood before the door from her mother's bedroom.  
"You should go in first. She knows you. She may be thinking I'm a burglar."  
She snorted.  
"We're going inside together," she stated.

We were still holding hands and I squeezed hers one last time before she opened the door.

I felt a sting through my heart when I saw Renee laying in bed. I didn't know if she was sleeping or awake. She laid so still, her breath hitching a few times. I felt my body get cold within seconds. She looked so fucking sick, it wasn't even human.

Bella let go of my hand and walked towards her mom.  
"Mom? I want you to meet someone. Is that okay, today?"  
Renee slowly opened her eyes and I could feel my heart in my throat. She couldn't see me, she only saw Bella.  
"Of course," Renee said. It didn't even sound like a voice. More like mumbling with cracks.

Bella reached out her hand to me. I slowly walked forward, afraid to scare Renee. She had her eyes closed again. Bella sat next to Renee on her bed. I stood there awkwardly, holding Bella's hand and waiting for Renee to open her eyes.

Eventually she did.

"Hello Renee, I'm Edward Cullen," I said, my voice trembling. Fuck this was intense.  
Renee tried to push out a smile. Then she continued to talk, so slowly and almost without sound. "I've heard a lot about you, Edward."  
I smiled back at her. "You did?"  
Then I saw Renee's hand, reaching to my free hand. I was scared shitless again. What would her hand feel like? But I wasn't going to pull away.  
She covered my hand with hers and started to talk again: "Thank you for taking such good care of my Bella. She loves you very much. I hope I can count on you when I'm gone."

I couldn't fucking help myself. Her hand felt cold but so soft. Her words pinched right through my heart. I fucking cried. I sat down next to Bella, so I was in between her and Renee. I was trying to form words through my tears.

"I love your daughter very much, Renee. I will do nothing but look out for her. You've raised a beautiful person and I will be forever thankful for that."

I didn't fucking care my voice cracked and trembled like crazy. I wanted to tell Renee she did a great fucking job raising Bella and that she wouldn't be worried about Bella, because I would take fucking care of her daughter. Forever.

Renee smiled, a little. "Thank you, Edward." Then she closed her eyes and I didn't know if she would be able to open her eyes again, or if this was the end of our meeting.

I looked at Bella and to my surprise she cried. She fucking cried.  
**  
**This was the first time she cried within the presence of more people than just me. I was so fucking proud.

We were both crying and I didn't fucking care. One of my hands was still covered by Renee's. My other hand dried the tears on Bella's face. Then I let my hand cup half her face and I kissed her softly on her lips.

"I love you so fucking much and I'm so fucking proud of you."  
Bella just nodded and kissed me again as a thank you.  
Then she rested her head on my shoulder and I smelled the vanilla coming from her hair. God, I really fucking loved her.

After ten minutes, Bella lifted her head from my shoulder and got up. Renee was still asleep, so this was it for our first meeting. Renee's hand still laid on top of mine and I pointed Bella to it. She smiled, through her tears and took her mother's hand and laid it on her stomach.  
Now I was able to walk downstairs with her.

When we got downstairs, Bella started to ask me questions.  
"What did you think?"  
I took her hand. "I think she raised an amazing daughter. I wish I could get to know her better."  
Bella nodded and looked down. I pushed her chin up, so I could look her in the eye.  
"I mean it, Bella."

She started crying again and I couldn't blame her.  
"Stay with me," she pleaded, pulling my shirt.  
"I'll stay with you," I said, putting her hair behind her ear.

I laid down on the couch and she laid on top of me. I twirled her curly hair around my fingers, so it bounced up and down. I felt my shirt get wetter, because of her tears. But I didn't care. I just kept on caressing her.

After two hours her breathing turned back to normal and I could tell she wasn't crying anymore.  
"Are you okay?" I asked, while Bella turned her head to look at me again.  
"Getting there," she said, a small smile across her face.

"You cried…" I said, not wanting to trigger her tears again.  
"I know, that was pretty fucking amazing, wasn't it?"  
I looked at her again, she seemed smug. I couldn't help but laugh at her face.  
She laughed with me, then she turned serious again.  
"No, I'm glad I could. It just happened. I didn't need to think about it or anything. It just… happened."  
"That's why I said I was fucking proud of you," I stated.  
She kissed my neck.

"Do you want something to eat?" she asked, willing to take care of me again.  
"I'm not really hungry," I said apologetically.  
"I bought the best desert yesterday. Seriously."  
She seemed much better than a few hours ago. Kind of happy again.  
"Well, okay. Let me try."

She must've known I fucking loved vanilla. It was vanilla pudding with cherry topping. It was in one of those little cups, and I wanted to smell the vanilla again. I brought my nose to the little cup and all of the sudden I felt a smack on the back of my head.

My nose was covered in vanilla and my girlfriend was dying of laughter next to me.

"_Thank_ you," I said, sarcastic.  
"You're more than welcome, baby," she said, still laughing loudly.  
I knocked her over, so she was laying on the couch again and I jumped on top of her, holding her hands above her head. She knew what was coming.  
"No, Edward!"  
"Oh yes!"  
I pushed my nose covered in vanilla all over her face. She tried to struggle but she couldn't do anything without her hands.

Her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. All covered in vanilla. When I was content with the result, she was still laughing. I started licking and kissing the vanilla of her face, ending with her mouth.

I still had her hand tied above her head. She put her legs around my waist so I could feel her hot crotch against my dick. I couldn't help but push my penis against her. She started to ride with me. It made me think of yesterday, when she was getting horny as fuck too. She was fucking vulnerable and I didn't want it to happen this way.

I slowly let go of her hands, and pulled myself up again. I could only come up with the lamest excuse ever.  
"What time is it?"  
She was trying to catch her breath, while she grabbed my shirt to pull me closer again.  
"Who fucking cares, Edward. Come here."  
I should get a fucking medal for rejecting her right here. She was so fucking hot for me.  
"Don't you have to work?"  
Now I got her attention. She looked at the clock.  
"Shit, it's Monday! Fuck!"

She let me go and she ran upstairs. She came back quickly with her _Thumpers_ shirt on.  
"I'll drive you down there, so you don't have to hurry," I offered.  
"Thanks, baby."

I fixed my hair and washed my sticky nose from the vanilla, before we took off.

**Bella**I got in his Volvo and put my seatbelt on. Edward got into his own seat and did his own thing.  
We still had twenty minutes together.

"I'll see if Mike can drive me home, so you don't have to wait three hours," I said.  
"If there are some new guitars I'll wait. I don't like Newton anyway."  
"Maybe you could write your song down, from yesterday."  
"Maybe."

Okay, I was just going to ask him.

"Why do you pull away when we're close to something more than just kissing?"  
He looked at me, shocked and then turned his eyes to the road again.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You know what I mean. You try to stop me when we're getting horny."  
"I don't want you, or _us_, to do anything we're not ready for, Bella."  
His face looked serious. I was going to tell him how I felt.  
"But we _are_, Edward. We fit perfectly together. I won't spend my life with anyone else than you."  
"That doesn't mean you're ready, Bells. You're vulnerable, you need love. I'm not going to take advantage of that. I couldn't live with myself if I did."  
I sighed heavily.  
"Don't you get it? Don't you get what I fucking _feel_ for you? You're my everything. I want to share everything with you. I want to be with you in _every_ way possible."

He didn't answer anymore. I didn't say anything either.

After a few more minutes I saw the Thumpers sign. He parked the car on the side of the road and we both got out. I didn't say it, but I was glad he was still staying and not going home right away.

"Bella!" Mike said eager. Then he saw Edward and his face fell. "Cullen."  
"Hey Mike," I said. Edward just nodded in Mike's direction.  
"Do we have some new guitars in stock?" I asked, while walking towards the store room, holding Edward's hand so he was coming with me.  
"Yeah, they just delivered a few," Mike answered, his eyes on my hand around Edward's.  
"I'm going to take a look at them."

I saw three brand new Gibson's in the back of the store room. One blue, one black and one red. They looked beautiful. Edward still hadn't opened his mouth after our tiny argument.  
"The blue one looks absolutely amazing, don't you think?" I asked him, trying to get him to talk to me.  
He just nodded.

I took the plastic off of the Gibson and played a few tunes on it. Edward still didn't say anything, but he looked interested.  
"Do you want to try?" I asked, holding the guitar out to him.  
"Sure," he mumbled.

He started to play _his_ song. It was fucking awesome to watch his hands work the strings. He must be so good with his hands… Shit. Bella, focus.  
"Are you going to be okay for three hours or do you want to go home?" I asked him, hoping he would wait for me.  
"I'll be okay."  
I nodded and was about to walk out of the store room, but Edward suddenly grabbed my wrist.

"It's not like I don't want you _that_ way, Bella. I do, trust me, I really fucking do. But I'm afraid you'll regret it afterwards because of all the things happening in your life right now. It's all so much and so intense. I don't want to ruin this kind of stuff for is. As hard as that is for me sometimes, because seriously…"

I didn't let him finish his sentence. I jumped into his arms and started to kiss him. He lifted me and let his tongue discover mine. Then he softly bit my lower lip and I went fucking crazy. I pushed his face even closer to me because I wanted to fucking feel him. All of him.

He put me down on a table, but I still had my legs around his waist. I felt his dick harden and I wanted to feel it against me.

He pulled back.

"No, Edward, please…"

I pulled his shirt. "Don't go away…"  
He gazed into my eyes. I looked back at him and without breaking the lock of our gaze, I took off my shirt. He tried not to look at my breasts but I knew he wanted to. I grabbed one of his hands and laid it on one of my boobs.

"It's okay…"

He started to softly knead it. I smiled at him. He still looked serious into my eyes. I pulled him closer, by pulling his belt. I wanted to open it, so he could get rid of his pants, but his hand caught mine.

"Not yet," he said. Still kneading my breast and getting hornier by the second.

Then he suddenly stopped. I looked at him pleading not to.

To my surprise he took his own shirt off.

I had imagined him without his shirt, but it did _not _do him justice. Fucking hell. I couldn't help myself. I started to touch his abs and planted kisses on his bare stomach and chest.

While I did so, he wanted to unhook my bra. I let him and he carefully removed it. Now both his hands found my breasts and they started to knead a little rougher. I fucking loved it.

I grabbed his head and plunged my tongue into his mouth. He fucking moaned. I caressed his chest and pulled his nipple a few times.

He pushed me further onto the table and he crawled on top of me. His hand found its way to the inside of my thighs, even though I still had my pants on, it made me fucking wet. He pushed a little harder to my center and now it was my turn to moan.

I was about to tell him to take my fucking pants off already when Mike rushed into the room.

"Fuck!" I yelled, hoping he hadn't caught a glimpse of my bare boobs.  
"Get the fuck out, Newton!"

Mike turned instantly red and was gone again. He started to talk to us, with the door closed between us.  
"Bella, you have to get to work right now. And I can get your fired because of this."  
I sighed and pushed Edward off of me involuntarily.

"I can't wait to finish this with you," I said, while I kissed his swollen lips. Then I put on my bra and shirt again. I couldn't help but kiss his bare chest again. After that, I took his shirt from the ground and gave it to him.

"I'm sorry if I got your ass fired," he said, taking the shirt from me.  
"You probably didn't. I'll talk to Mike. Just stay here and wait for me to finish my shift okay? You can play the guitars, just unwrap them."  
He nodded. "I love you, hornball."  
"I love you, too."

I got out of the store room and walked towards Mike.  
"I'm sorry you had to see that," I said, while Mike's eyes lowered themselves to my breasts, "but if you're going to get me fired, I will tell your father you had sex with Jessica in his bed."  
Now Mike's eyes shot to mine. I simply shrugged.  
"Bella, you can't do that!"  
"Then don't fire me, Newton."

He deliberated for a second.

"_Fine! _I won't. But you have to get to work _now_."  
"I always knew you were wise," I said, while I walked to the counter.

I turned around, again, because I wanted to tell him one more thing.  
"Don't _ever_ think about my boobs again, because I will fucking kill you."  
He turned red again and went to the other end of the store.

I didn't see him again for the rest of the night.

After three hours of boredom and helping three costumers, I was finally done for the night.  
"I'll see you next week, Mike!"  
"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled.

Edward and I got into his Volvo. "You want to stay over at my place tonight? We could ask Carlisle if he wants to be there when you tell your mother it's okay."  
"Okay, that's a good idea," I answered him.

"So did you learn anything new on the guitars?" I asked.  
"Nah, I just worked on my song."  
"Did you write the lyrics down?"  
He was silent for a moment.  
"I kind of wanted to do that together with you," he said, while flashing me his crooked smile.  
"That's sweet, baby. We'll do it together."  
He smiled again.

Time went by way too fast and I saw the Cullen residence coming closer.  
I got out of the car and Edward took my hand. We walked inside together. Esme and Carlisle sat on the couch.

"Bella! What a nice surprise," Esme said, as she hopped off of the couch to give Bella a hug.  
"Bella, nice to see you again," Carlisle said.  
"Hello, it's nice to see you two again," Bella answered, after Esme let her go.

"Carlisle, can we talk to you?" Edward asked him, in a serious tone.  
"Of course, shall we go to my office?"  
Edward nodded and walked us to a fancy room, that was apparently Dr Cullen's office.

"Sit down, kids," Dr Cullen said, "what's wrong?"  
Edward looked at me, while whispering: "Do you want to tell him or should I?"  
I was going to brave enough to tell Dr Cullen myself, so I did.

"I want to tell my mother that I'm ready. That it's okay."  
I swallowed hard.  
"Are you sure of that, Bella?" Dr Cullen asked.  
"Yes. I thought about it and talked about it with Edward and I came to that conclusion. I finished the scrapbook. I want to show it to you before she leaves."  
Dr Cullen wrote something down and Edward rubbed my hand with his thumb.

"When do you want to tell her?"  
"This week. I don't want her to suffer anymore," I said determined.  
"What about Thursday? I can stop by during the evening."  
"That sounds okay."

"Bella stays over for the night," Edward said, while Dr Cullen was still writing stuff down.  
"That's nice," Dr Cullen said genuinely, when he looked up at us again.

"Could Edward be there too, when I tell her? I mean, she met him today and I just really want him to be there," I rambled suddenly.

Dr Cullen turned to Edward.  
"Have you met Renee?"  
"Yes, only for a few minutes today. She said she heard a lot about me and thanked me for being there for Bella."

Then Dr Cullen turned to me.  
"Bella, next time you take such big decisions I want you to talk to me first. I'm sure your mother loved meeting Edward, but she could've been prepared better. That's why I want you to talk to me first, like you're doing now."  
I felt guilty now.  
"I'm sorry, Dr Cullen."  
"You don't have to be sorry, Bella. You know your mother better than I do, but it's just procedure."  
I nodded.

"That was all you needed to tell me?" Dr Cullen asked, when he closed his notebook.  
"Yes," Edward and I said at the same time.

"Alright. Have fun tonight and I'll see you Thursday, Edward can come too," Dr Cullen said, a warm smile across his face.

"Thursday it is."

* * *

**Comments are better than Renee being thankful to Edward.**


	18. Distractions

**A/N**

I'm sorry for the huge delay. I have been really busy with school and I just wasn't inspired. I hope this smutty, fluffy chapter makes up for it.

Thanks for reading this still! It's awesome, really.

* * *

Chapter 18: Distractions

**Bella**It was Wednesday and Thursday was coming really close now. I was nervous as fuck. I needed some distraction.

I was glad the bell rang, because math was my next class and I would see Edward again.

I saw him standing next to the door of our class, waiting for me. I smiled involuntarily. He smiled back at me and I felt butterflies making their way about in my stomach.

"You look pretty today," he said, while taking my face into his hands.  
I just giggled and pulled him closer to me. I'd come to the point where I didn't even care what people thought of us. Edward and I understood what we felt for each other and that was all that mattered. I pulled at his hair a little and our lips touched. I kissed him a few times and then he let go. We walked into class together.

When I got my books, I just blurted it out.

"Edward, I'm so fucking scared for tomorrow."

I saw that I'd caught him off guard.

"That's okay, baby. Everyone would be if they were standing in your shoes," he said, while he placed his hand on my knee. His other hand put back a strand of hair behind my ear.

I nodded. "I need distraction."

I knew exactly what kind of distraction I meant, but I was guessing he didn't. Since last Monday, when Mike had walked into us, Edward and I hadn't touched each other that way anymore. When I spent the night there, we just kissed a little and he cupped my ass once, but that was it. I was hoping for something more, but it just didn't happen.

"Can I help you with that?" Edward offered.  
"I'm sure you can."  
"Good," he said, smiling at me, "we could go to my place after school?"  
"Sounds perfect," I replied, kissing his lips softly again.

"Swan and Cullen!" a voice yelled from the front of the class, "Do you think you can contain yourselves this hour or do you want to explain it to the director of Forks High?"

I really disliked Mrs Lanette. Such a pain in the ass. Neither Edward nor I responded to her rant.

The rest of the hour was a lot of talking about something I didn't get. Which was always the case during math. So I decided to just study Edward. I never noticed his strong jaw line. It was fucking sexy. He licked his lips while went through his hair, because of something he read in his math book. Another thing that was fucking sexy.

I started thinking about what Mrs Lanette had just said. I was afraid I could _not_ contain myself while studying my boyfriend, because I could feel that feeling creeping up again, which I always got when we ended up kissing or more.

I tried to concentrate on the assignments in my book but it was really fucking hard.

Finally the bell rang. We both got ready to get the fuck out of this room, and go to _our_ secret room.

Once we got inside, I almost knocked him over because I wanted to kiss him so bad. He was startled. He was startled a lot, these days. Apparently I was a hornball. I didn't care. Who wouldn't be with such a hot and sweet boyfriend?

I laid on top of him and his tongue licked my upper lip softly. I started to rock against his hips and that's where he stopped me.

"Bella…"

I groaned and got off of him.

"We'll get the chance to do this right. We're at school and we have to get to class in like two minutes. We can't do this shit now."

I knew he was right but something was really fucked up with my hormones. They were going crazy.

"I just… _want_ you," I said, feeling a little embarrassed now.  
"And I want you too, believe me. We'll do this right, Bella. Now come on, let's get to class."

He reached his hand out to me and I took it. We walked towards school together.

I had one more class before I would go to Edward's place. American history. I sat next to Alice.

"Hey girl," Alice said, while kissing my cheek.  
"Hey," I said, smiling at her.  
"Oh gosh, what's wrong?" she asked all of the sudden.  
"Is it that obvious?" I said chagrinned.  
"Honey, I've known you almost eighteen years, I know all your looks. And right now you look unhappy. So tell me, what's up?"

I sighed.

"Actually, two things. First, I want to have sex with Edward but he keeps his hands off me and it annoys me to no end. Second, I'm going to tell my mom it's okay tomorrow."

Alice's jaw dropped to the floor.

"I feel like this is a whole other Bella. Someone different from three months ago."

"I think I _am_ a different person. Thanks to Edward and Dr Cullen," I answered.

"I mean, you were like saint Maria. Now you've got a boyfriend and you want to have _sex_ with him. A few months ago you couldn't even pronounce the word sex without choking on it!"  
Alice laughed out loud. Our teacher still wasn't in the room so she could.

Now she turned serious.  
"I can help you with your first issue, but tell me more about the second."

"Here?" I asked.

"Let's get out of here, come on," Alice said, while grabbing my bag and storming out of class. We were lucky mr Darwin was late today.

We walked the rainy streets of Forks together, while we were getting soaked. "Okay, so tell me, Bells. You're ready to let her go?"

Alice took my hand.

"I think so. I don't think I can be more ready than I am now. It's going to be hard, no matter what. I don't want her to suffer any longer. She met Edward the other day and he promised her to take care of me no matter what. And I know you'll be there for me too. I've got a lot of people that will have my back when she's gone. I got all these memories of her captured in my scrapbook and I know I'll never _ever_ forget her. You know, the way she smells, the way she laughs, the way she talked. I won't forget that. I won't."

Alice nodded. "You're so strong, Bells. You're going to tell her tomorrow?"

"Yes. Tomorrow evening. Dr Cullen is coming and I asked Edward if he wanted to be there too. I need him," I said, feeling vulnerable because of that last sentence.

"Will you promise to call me or anything when you need me? I know Edward is there for you and I owe him for that, but I'm still here too, okay? I will be with you within seconds if you need me."

"I promise. Thank you, Alice," I said, squeezing her hand.

"You're welcome, bestie."

We walked in silence for a couple of minutes. School would be out within ten minutes, so we started walking towards Forks High again.

I broke the silence first.

"So, you said you could help me with my first problem. Tell me," I said, smirking at her.  
Alice started laughing out loud again.  
"You're like horny 24/7! Anyway, what works with Jasper is when I'm wet."

I looked at her like she was mental.

"I _am_ wet 24/7, like you said!"

"No, you dumb ass. Like you are now, because of the rain or because of the shower. Ask him if you can wear something he owns. Something like his pj's or a big shirt. It'll make him feel like you're his. Trust me, it'll work. When will you see him again?"

A smile shot across my face. "This afternoon, so in a few minutes."

Alice smiled too. "Perfect! Just tell him you ditched class with me and we walked together in the rain, which isn't even a lie. Ask him if you can shower at his place."

I started to get confident this would work. "Thanks!" I said, already planning everything out in my head.

I saw Edward's Volvo in the parking lot, when we walked towards the schoolyard. The bell rang exactly when Alice opened the school doors for me. I decided to wait here for Edward. I thanked Alice one more time before she walked to the cafeteria, to wait for Jasper.

Within two minutes Edward was by my side, kissing my neck.  
"You're soaking wet, what did you do?" he asked, looking confused.  
"I ditched class with Alice, we took a walk together."  
"You guys are crazy, it's raining!"  
I shrugged. "We just had to talk, not suitable for school."  
"Girl stuff," he said while shaking his head.  
"Anyway, let's go to your place," I stated.

I tried to keep the Volvo as dry as I could.

We got to the Cullen house, but nobody was home. It made my plan even better. I went through my hair that was still really wet.

"Can I use your shower? I don't think this will dry within a few hours and I'm cold."  
I felt ridiculous for asking him this, because I knew what my intentions were.

"Erh, yeah… I'll show you everything," he said, going upstairs. I followed him.

"Here are the towels, you can put this shirt on from me. I'll put your clothes in the dryer."

"Thanks, baby," I said, while I pushed myself against him. He swallowed hard. I bit my lip and then walked away, my hand going through my wet hair.

I started to take off my clothes. I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it to him. I knew he didn't want to look but he did. He couldn't keep his eyes off of me. Then I took my pants off and I thanked God I shaved my legs yesterday. I saw him getting uncomfortable, but he still looked at my legs.

"I'll… put this in the dryer now… You can give me the rest later," he stumbled.  
"Okay," I said, smiling at him, while unhooking my bra. He turned around before he could see my boobs.

I was content with the result I already had. He wanted me, I could see it in his eyes.

I took my panties off and hopped into the shower. I didn't want to take too long, because I didn't want him to already forget what I looked like while I took my clothes off in front of him.

I washed my hair and body quickly and then shut the water off. I grabbed a towel that Edward pointed me to. I dried my body, but let my hair still wet. It would curl when it dried on its own and I knew Edward liked curls.

I put his buttoned shirt on, and I looked at myself in the big mirror they had in the bath room. I looked fuckable.

I walked downstairs, without my panties or bra on, just Edward's shirt. Acting like I was still drying my hair with the towel.

Edward laid on the couch, his hand on his dick. I smiled. He _was_ horny.

"Hey baby," I said and it made him turn his head. When he saw me he closed his eyes.  
"Fuck, Bella…"  
I acted innocent, even though this was the reaction I was hoping for. "What?"  
"You can't do this to me!" he yelled, still refusing to look at me.  
"Do what?!"  
"This! Look so fucking hot!"  
"You think this looks hot?" I asked him, while I now stood in front of him.  
"Fuck," he said, but he didn't look away anymore.

He stood up and I saw his boner clearly. I looked at it and smiled. He walked closer to me and I whispered in his ear.

"Come on, I'm yours…"

He groaned and pushed his dick against me. His hands went through my hair and made their way down, all the way from my back to my ass. His shirt covered my ass, but I knew he could feel I wasn't wearing any underwear.

"Shit, Bella… What are you doing to me…"

I kissed his neck and didn't reply to his question. I could feel his cock harden against me and I felt myself getting hornier by the second.

He looked into my eyes and I saw the lust and love again. I just kept looking at him too, not touching him anymore. He unbuttoned the upper button of his shirt that I was wearing. He exhaled deeply and then unbuttoned three more. One more and he could see my breasts.

He kept gazing at me while he unbuttoned the button that would reveal my boobs. I pushed my chest against him. I saw him looking down at my now bare breasts, pressed against his chest. He gasped.

He placed his face in the crook of my neck and started placing kisses down to my collar bone. Every time his kisses went a little lower. He placed the last kiss between my breasts. Then he started to look at me again and picked up where he left off.

He unbuttoned the rest of the buttons. Almost every single one. There were only two left. If he would unbutton those, he would see my pussy. I knew he wanted to but he was hesitant. So that's why I unbuttoned one and let him unbutton the last one. He dropped to his knees and unbuttoned the last button without effort.

I let his shirt drop to the ground.

Here I stood in front of him. I couldn't be more naked.

He kept looking me in the eye, even though he was still on his knees. His fingers trailed up and down my right leg. Then he lifted my foot and kissed it one time. Now his fingers started to make patterns on the inside of my right thigh.

I tried to contain myself, like Mrs Lanette had said earlier. I kept quiet.

His fingers went from the inside of my right leg to my left. He kept his eyes locked on mine.

Then, one of his fingers softly rubbed over my slit. I couldn't help but let out a groan.

Now he started to rub my clit with his thumb and I almost came instantly. I pulled his hair because I needed something to hold on to.

He kept rubbing it in circles. He began to rub harder and I could feel my legs twist underneath me. I knew I was close and he knew it too. So he plunged one finger inside of me and that did the job.

I fucking came. I never came before but I knew this had to be it. I felt heat creeping up from my toes to my head and my legs felt like pudding. I let out a few hard moans and whispered Edward's name. It made him groan too.

Now started to slowly get up from the ground, his fingers wet. He kissed my stomach, my navel, my breasts, my neck and then my mouth.

"Was this what you wanted?" he panted.  
"Yes," I said determined.  
"Will you be nice to me now and put your clothes back on?" he asked, while looking me in the eye that certain way again.  
"But I still have to get you off," I said, while trying to unbutton his pants.

He grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"Maybe another time, Bella. You got what you wanted, now put on some clothing."

"You're such a tease," I said, not really liking this game he played. I wanted more. But I knew it wasn't going to happen and I should be glad he did this, it was more than I expected.

I grabbed his shirt from the floor and walked to the dryer. My clothes were almost dry and I put them on.  
**  
Edward  
**  
That girl was un-fucking-stoppable. I'm not saying I didn't like it, I loved it that I gave this feeling to her. But I knew she wasn't ready for anything more than this and I didn't want to push her into stuff she didn't want to. I knew she said she wanted to, but I thought that was just the hormones talking.

I walked upstairs and saw Bella coming out of the bathroom.

"Come on in," I said, as I took a step into my bedroom, "let's go make some music."

I could tell she was still chagrinned, even though I just gave her an orgasm. Was it really about seeing my cock or what? Anyway, we weren't going to that now. Music.

"Do you want to write the words down for me, baby?" I asked her, throwing her a notebook.

She didn't reply.

"Alright, I'll write them down. You sing them. Deal?"

No answer.

"It's a deal," I said, talking to myself.

I started playing the melody I wrote a week ago and I saw Bella getting more relaxed and less chagrinned. Good. I started to hum along with what were supposed to be lyrics.  
I stopped and wrote the first few words down.

I continued playing and I still hummed along. I heard a soft voice humming along too. I looked to my side and saw Bella sitting on my bed, smiling at me.

At least music got her mind off of things.

"Notebook?" I asked.  
She nodded.

She wrote down her own lyrics and I wrote mine. Somehow I knew we could combine them into something great. I was curious to know what she was writing about. Would it be me, her mom, school stuff… I didn't ask though, I could tell she was into it.

We were writing for half an hour when I put my notebook down. She put her down in response too.

"Want to show me what you wrote?" I asked.  
"Not yet. Yours?"  
"Tit for tat."  
"I'll wait."

She got up from the bed, took my guitar out of my hands and sat down on my lap.

"I'm sorry. Sometimes it's like I'm out of control. I don't know why. I just… want you, I guess."  
I smiled and brushed her cheek.  
"I want you too, don't worry about _that_. But I also want things to be perfect between us. Whenever we're going to do stuff like that, it has to be because we're both ready and I don't want to hurt you."

She nodded, while she rested her head in the crook of my neck.

"You won't hurt me…" she whispered.  
"Let's just wait, okay? We can have a little fun but before we go… all the way, it has to be perfect."  
She kissed my neck, so I took that as a yes.

"It was a good distraction, though," she said suddenly, after a few minutes of silence.  
"Still thinking about it, huh?" I laughed.  
"Well, your first orgasm _is_ special, right?"

Wait, what? Her _first_?

"Your first? I didn't know… I mean I know you're a virgin but…"

"I don't do it myself. Feels weird."

"Woah… I'm sorry?"

Her head shot up. "_Sorry?_"

"Yeah, I mean… I don't know."

"Dude, you have to be everything _but _sorry. That was fucking amazing."

I laughed at her face, like she thought I was crazy. But I turned serious quickly.  
"I didn't hurt you or anything?"

"No, you really didn't."

"I think it's going to hurt though, when…" I stumbled.

"I know, but that'll pass and then it's just you and me," she smiled determined.

She really thought it all out already. Okay, different subject now.

"You want to go grab some dinner somewhere?" I asked her.  
"Sure, where you want to go?"  
"What's your favorite place?"  
"Mine."  
I snorted. "Then we'll go to your place."

We drove around Forks to her house. It was getting dark and I realized it would be Thursday soon.

We both got inside and went to sit on the couch. She hugged me, but she didn't try anything else. She just needed comfort and I understood.

"Are you nervous?" I asked, rubbing her back.  
"Yes, fucking nervous," a soft voice mumbled.  
"I'll be there… I know that doesn't mean much, but still. I'm there."  
I really tried to soothe her but I didn't know how at the moment.  
"I know and it does mean a lot, Edward. Thank you so much."  
She grabbed my hand.  
"For everything. For being here right now, for being there tomorrow, for being patient with me, for being you…"  
She placed a kiss on the back of my hand.

For some reason it broke my heart. She seemed so fucking sad again and I didn't like that look on her, even though I knew she would be sad for a long time after tomorrow. But she needed distractions, like she said, and I would give them to her.

"You're welcome, always," I said, while looking into her eyes. "Thank you for everything you did, and still do, for me."

She smiled and nodded.

"And, even though it's highly inappropriate, thank you for being so sexy."

Her eyes widened and she started to giggle.

"Dinner?" I then asked.

"Dinner," she said.

She made pancakes for us both and they were delicious, as always. We just talked about school stuff and other unimportant things. When I looked at the clock for the first time it was already 9:30 and I had to go home soon.

"Can't you stay?" she begged.  
"I'm already staying here tomorrow and the next upcoming days, probably. So I thought I should keep Esme and Carlisle company tonight. But I can stay if you want to."  
"No, no. I'm sorry. You can go."  
"Are you sure, baby?"  
"Yeah, go. I'll be fine."

I got my keys and my jacket. "Are you going to school tomorrow?" I asked, before I opened the door.  
"Yeah, I will. Come pick me up?"  
"Will do. I'll see you tomorrow baby, I hope I gave you enough distractions."  
"You did," she smiled, "thanks again. I love you."  
"I love you, too."

I kissed her nose and drove home.

Esme and Carlisle were on the couch together. "Hey," I said, while sitting down next to them.  
"Hello son," Carlisle said, at the same time Esme gave me a wink.  
"I'll probably be a lot around Bella the upcoming days… or weeks."  
"I understand," Carlisle nodded.  
"You're a good kid, Edward. I'm really proud of you," Esme said, while she smiled at me with those warm eyes.

"I'm scared," I blurted out. I didn't know where _that _came from but I couldn't help it.  
"That's totally normal," Carlisle said.  
I nodded while a tear escaped from my eye. I hoped no one had seen it, but Esme wiped it away before I could.

"Come here," she said.  
Even though I hated shit like this from my parents, I hugged Esme and let a few more tears escape.

After a few minutes I decided I was man enough to go sleep now.  
"Don't… tell Emmett or anyone about this," I said, embarrassed.  
"Promise," Esme said and Carlisle nodded.

I walked upstairs and laid down on my bed. This was probably going to be the last night of 8 hours sleep I was going to get for a long time.

* * *

**Comments are better than Bella's ways of distractions.**


End file.
